Is beauty really only skin deep?

What do you think is the most important factor in attraction? Eyes, hair, good sense of humour, age, location, job, what car they drive?

How society shapes our ideas of beauty

In our society, we are bombarded on a daily basis by so many sources such as adverts, actors, social media, singers, films, magazines and television showing us exactly what we should (and shouldn't) look like! This type of idealised image can lead to many feelings of inadequacy, shame and embarrassment. This can ultimately develop into poor self-image, low self-esteem, low self-confidence - and in some cases, more complex mental health conditions and body image concerns.

What does psychology say about attraction?

So what do we really look for? Psychologists have spent years trying to work out why we are attracted to other people and they have developed many contradicting ideas, for example:

Behaviourists such as Bandura believed we learned through observation in a process called social learning theory. Research has shown that when we see behaviours or attributes being rewarded or positively reinforced we build a belief system that this must be the correct action. Therefore when we only see people on television who are muscular or their ideal weight (or less) this affects our core beliefs and causes us to start believing this is how we should all look.

Walster in the 1960s then developed the theory of "matching hypothesis". This describes how physical attributes are the biggest indicator of attraction in romantic relationships. He believed that we look for people of equal levels of attractiveness as pursuing someone who is "out of your league" is a waste of time and resources!

Social psychologist, Jourard, then offered the idea that self-disclosure is key to romantic success. This is the voluntary sharing of private aspects of yourself with another person. This can let you be known to the other person, reducing mystery and increasing intimacy and trust. 

Berg and Archer also found a norm of disclosure where the level of received and given information is expected to be the same. If disclosure is too limited, you learn nothing about them and if it is over personal it could seem indiscriminate and impersonal. 

So which theory do you most believe?

Research into these areas has never found 100% conclusive support for any of them! As humans, we look at all of these factors rather than just one of them.

Basically, an attractive wealthy man may tick all of your physical attractiveness boxes, but might have a really dull personality - and a woman who isn't perceived as the beauty standard for you, may be intellectually fascinating! You can't base a relationship on just one factor as they are all important in creating a successful long-term relationship.

Therefore, psychologically speaking, the Hollywood ideal person is just that - a fantasy - a person who has a personal trainer, chef, nutritionist and stylist who spends the majority of their time trying to meet that perfect image. But in the real world people want a real person, not a 2D image.

Building self-esteem through self-compassion

We all have things we don't like about how we look but there are always more things that are wonderful, interesting and fascinating about us. Focusing on these aspects will boost your self-esteem and confidence.

A coaching activity I set for my clients

One activity I often set for clients is to write a self-compassion letter to themselves.

So, from now on, try to focus on the positive aspects of yourself and it may help to boost your self-esteem, confidence, positivity and empowerment, allowing your inner beauty to shine brighter than ever!

If concerns about your appearance are affecting your confidence or self-esteem, you don't have to navigate these feelings alone. Working with a confidence coach can offer a supportive space to explore your strengths, challenge unhelpful comparisons and develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself.