What is self-esteem?
The term 'self-esteem' is used to describe our overall sense of self-worth and how much we value ourselves. Our self-esteem is made up of various beliefs about who we are and what we’re capable of. As you can imagine, this can have an impact on how we experience life.
In this video, coach Emma Humphrey discusses self-esteem, including how low self-esteem can affect us and how working with a coach can help.
Self-esteem can affect our motivation and how likely we are to take risks and pursue our goals. For example, if you have low self-esteem, you may have hopes of working in a certain industry but may not believe you’re capable of doing it. This lack of self-belief could stop you from pursuing a career you really want.
If you have high self-esteem, however, you’re more likely to believe in yourself and try to break into your chosen career. You might feel more able to try new things and take risks because you know your worth and understand that even if it doesn’t work out, it’s not a reflection of your character or value.
Signs of healthy self-esteem:
- you feel confident
- you feel able to say no when you need to
- negative experiences don’t impact your view of yourself
- you feel able to ask for what you need.
Signs of low self-esteem:
- a lack of confidence
- a desire to please people
- having an overall negative outlook
- feelings of shame
- unable to ask for what you need.
If you recognise these signs of low self-esteem and are keen to make a change, you may benefit from working with a professional.
The difference between self-esteem and confidence
Self-esteem and confidence often get confused, and while they do overlap, there are differences.
Overall, confidence tends to be based more on external factors. It reflects our trust in our ability to cope with challenges and how we interact with others. This means we can generally build confidence when we succeed at a task.
Self-esteem is more internally based, and when we struggle with it, success doesn’t always make us feel better about ourselves.
What causes low self-esteem?
Our self-esteem is often formed in our early years and can be influenced by many factors. Genetics and personality type have a role to play, but often it is the experiences we have that contribute to our self-esteem levels.
If you grew up around people who were particularly critical of you, for example, family, friends, teachers or other authority figures, you may be more likely to experience self-esteem problems. Other experiences, such as being bullied or subjected to abuse, can also be influential on your self-esteem.
Your circumstances can also play a role. For example, if you have a chronic illness or disability, if you face discrimination or if you’re struggling financially – all of these concerns can affect your relationship with yourself.
How self-esteem impacts your life
Over time, having low self-esteem can impact your mental health and wellbeing. According to the NHS, living with low self-esteem can lead to problems like depression and anxiety. You may also find that having a mental health condition itself contributes to low self-esteem.
Healthy self-esteem can change how you experience life and the direction you choose to take it. When you have a good relationship with yourself, you may handle stress better and even avoid its unhealthy side effects. You may also find it easier to build strong relationships and leave unhealthy ones.
Understanding your true value can also help you develop emotional resilience. This means when you’re met with obstacles, disappointment, or even failure, you can recover more quickly.
Your confidence can also improve alongside your self-belief. You might feel happier taking more psychological risks (like starting a new career) and going after what you really want in life.
If your self-esteem is currently low, the good news is that self-work and intention can build it up. Many people find it helpful to get support during this process.
Self-esteem shapes how you show up. It affects your career decisions, your boundaries, your relationships, and your emotional resilience. When you believe you’re worthy, everything changes, not because life gets easier, but because you stop abandoning yourself in hard moments.
How to build self-esteem
Building your self-esteem can take time, but many people find the results are worth it. Here are some self-help steps you can take to get started.
Improve your self-awareness
A helpful first step in building self-esteem is becoming more aware of your thoughts and behaviours. This isn't as easy as it sounds, as many of us go through the day on autopilot without taking much time to reflect.
Tools that can help include meditation, journaling, breathwork, mindfulness, mindful movement, and working with a counsellor or coach.
Challenge self-critical thoughts
Once you are more aware of your thoughts, you can start to identify negative or critical thoughts about yourself and gently challenge them. Is this thought accurate or true? Where is the evidence?
When we start challenging these thoughts, we can see that what we're telling ourselves isn't always true or helpful. Then we can look to replace these thoughts with something positive and encouraging.
Set boundaries
When we have low self-esteem, we might slip into people-pleasing mode, saying yes when we want to say no, and avoiding confrontation. This lack of assertiveness can further damage our self-esteem.
Setting boundaries and understanding our capacity are great ways to recognise our worth and build self-esteem.
Celebrate your wins
Our brains can have a negativity bias, meaning we typically focus on what goes wrong. When we intentionally celebrate our successes, we can slowly start to shift that bias. This can help us see how well we're really doing and build self-esteem.
Self-help steps like these can be useful, but if you're finding things difficult, you may find it helpful to have support along the way.
How can coaching help you build self-esteem?
Building up your self-esteem can involve understanding and changing unhelpful ways of thinking. It can feel difficult at first to challenge your inner critic and treat yourself with compassion. If you're struggling with this, you may benefit from speaking to a professional.
The role of a coach who works in this area is to help you uncover what’s blocking you from building self-esteem. Coaching questions and, when used, NLP techniques can help you identify limiting beliefs and change them.
As a life coach begins to understand your innermost feelings, they are able to help you develop a more positive perspective on yourself and your capabilities. When you start to see yourself as someone who deserves happiness and success, you'll find that you naturally begin to move away from habits that hold you back from your goals.
A self-esteem coach can also help you understand your value and what you want from life beneath any current negative thought patterns. As your self-esteem rises, they may also help you take the action needed to pursue your goals.
