8 key signs that you are lacking in self-love

Do you sometimes feel unlovable? Do you find yourself settling for unhealthy relationships, struggling to set boundaries or looking to others for validation? If so, you're not alone. Many people experience periods where their relationship with themselves affects the relationships they have with others.

Robert Holden, author of Lovability, says, “Our disconnection from love is the core of almost all our problems. It leads to mundane lives of desperation - imprisoning ourselves in dull routines or stultifying relationships, or needing love, or caring for others at our own expense, or limiting ourselves to what we feel we derive or what others will allow us.”

A lack of self-love is often linked to the belief, "I am not lovable". This is a fear that is not real - but you won’t know that if you are too scared to explore this fear. When you lack self-love, you start to look outside yourself for love, hoping to find somebody who can overturn this judgement of yourself.

While support from others can help, lasting change often begins with the relationship you build with yourself.

What is self-love?

Self-love is about loving and enjoying who you are. Self-love emerges when you take time to explore yourself and get to know the true you. Self-love comprises several things, including being kind to yourself, being committed to yourself and caring for yourself. It also means accepting yourself as you are - self-approval is the key to self-love.

Can you honestly say that you are all of these things to yourself? If you cannot, then you may have a hard time finding true happiness.

Signs you may be struggling with self-love

Below are eight self-destructive signs that indicate you are lacking in self-love.

1. Being needy

You are needy if you constantly seek a lot of attention, affection and/or affirmation. People describe you as being really clingy. Needy or insecure people always have these behaviours which can become overbearing for others, and will consequently push them away.

2. Chaotic relationships

You may find yourself repeatedly experiencing unhealthy relationship patterns or struggling to trust others. You are extremely defensive and find it difficult to cope with others well, making it difficult for them to have healthy relationships with you.

3. Negative self-image

You may be highly critical of your appearance or struggle to accept yourself as you are. This can affect confidence and self-esteem, and may sometimes contribute to unhealthy behaviours. If these feelings are overwhelming or affecting your health, it's important to seek professional support.

4. Hypervigilance

You are afraid of making mistakes and are constantly anxious and overly watchful of the behaviours of others. You search for clues on how to act, what to wear, what to say and what to do. Never allowing your true self to shine.

5. Poor communication

You find it very difficult to communicate effectively with others and lack the skills to express yourself. This results in you not feeling you have been heard and being misunderstood.

6. Perfectionism

You always want things done perfectly, which is impractical in normal life. You often feel so imperfect and inadequate, which leaves you with low self-esteem. You cover this up by acting in ways you assume are acceptable, such as being the best dressed, with never a hair out of place, needing perfect feedback or else feeling devastated. 

7. Lack of assertiveness

Lack of confidence and self-esteem leaves you too fearful of upsetting others. Assertiveness requires boldness, which you lack. Due to holding your feelings in and being passive, you let your anger build up until you boil over and become aggressive- defensive.

8. Wearing a mask

You put on a mask to hide your vulnerability. You try to act in ways that conceal your emotions and put on a brave face so that others will not see the problems that you are experiencing in your life.

If you are ready to change your life and move from self-hate to self-love, then a good way to start is to ask yourself the following questions:

• What does love mean to me?
• What would someone who loves themselves do?
• How could I be more loving?
• How can I express love to myself today?

Self-love isn't about becoming perfect or never doubting yourself. It's about learning to treat yourself with the same kindness, patience and compassion that you would offer someone you care about. Small changes in how you speak to yourself and care for yourself can have a lasting impact over time.