8 key signs that you are lacking in self-love

Do you feel unlovable? Do you put up with mediocre relationships or allow others to constantly disrespect you? Do you end up broke and alone for the sake of having fun?


Robert Holden, author of Lovability, says:

“Our disconnection from love is the core of almost all our problems. It leads to mundane lives of desperation - imprisoning ourselves in dull routines or stultifying relationships, or needing love, or caring for others at our own expense, or limiting ourselves to what we feel we derive or what other will allow us.”

Lack of self-love usually comes from the thinking that “I am not loveable”. This is a fear that is not real - but you won’t know that if you are too scared to explore this fear. When you lack self-love you start to look outside of yourself for love, hoping to find somebody who can overturn this judgement of yourself.

But the truth is, the only person who can actually change this belief is yourself.

Self-love is about loving and enjoying who you are. Self-love emerges when you take time to explore yourself and get to know the true you. Self-love comprises of several things including being kind to yourself, being committed to yourself and caring for yourself. It also means accepting yourself as you are - self-approval is the key to self-love.

Can you honestly say that you are all of these things to yourself? If you cannot, then you may have a hard time finding true happiness.

Below are eight self-destructive signs that indicate you are lacking in self-love:

1. Being needy

You are needy if you constantly seek a lot of attention, affection and/or affirmation. People describe you as being really clingy. Needy or insecure people always have these behaviours which can become overbearing for others, and will consequently push them away.

2. Chaotic relationships

You are self-focused, hypersensitive and self-justifying. You are extremely defensive and find it difficult to cope with others well, making it difficult for them to have healthy relationships with you.

3. Eating disorders

You refuse to eat and are in denial of hunger. You have an intense fear of gaining weight and have a negative or distorted self-image and partake in excessive exercise.

4. Hypervigilance

You are afraid of making mistakes and are constantly anxious and overly watchful of the behaviours of others. You search for clues on how to act, what to wear, what to say and what to do. Never allowing your true self to shine.

5. Poor communication

You find it very difficult to communicate effectively with others and lack the skills to express yourself. This results in you not feeling you have been heard and being misunderstood.

6. Perfectionism

You always want things to be done perfectly which is impractical in normal life. You often feel so imperfect and inadequate which leaves you with low self-esteem. You cover this up by acting in ways that you assume are acceptable such as being the best dressed, with never a hair out of place, needing perfect feedback or else feeling devastated. Such people always put blame on others whenever something is not done the way they want.

7. Lack of assertiveness

Lack of confidence and self-esteem leaves you too fearful of upsetting others. Assertiveness requires boldness, which you lack. Due to holding your feelings in and being passive, you let your anger build up until you boil over and become aggressive- defensive.

8. Wearing a mask

You put on a mask to hide your vulnerability. You try to act in ways that conceal your emotions and put on a brave face so that others will not see the problems that you are experiencing in your life.

If you are ready to change your life and move from self-hate to self-love, then a good way to start is to ask yourself the following questions:

  • What does love mean to me?
  • What would someone who loves themselves do?
  • How could I be more loving?
  • How can I express love to myself today?

If you’re looking for extra support, help is available. To find out more about how coaching can support you, just get in touch with me.

In this video, Life Coach Directory content creator and confidence mentor, Kat Nicholls, takes us through five questions to reflect on to help you build self-love and confidence, have a pen and paper ready!

The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Life Coach Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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