One simple way to improve your relationships

You’re running late for work because you pressed snooze one too many times. You ate a hasty breakfast in the car which was definitely not in line with your ‘new year, new you’ promises.

You get to work, and your colleague begins to ask legitimate questions about something you are working on. You feel irritable, so offer short answers that are designed to make them go away. Lunchtime comes around and you realise that you’ve left your lunch in the fridge at home.

The same colleague comes back after lunch to enquire about the same thing they asked this morning because your reply wasn’t sufficient. In the moment, you decide that their reappearance to bother you must mean that they are incompetent! They clearly weren’t listening to you this morning, so you decide to tell them as much. It’s an unpleasant encounter that you feel justified in at the time, but as they leave a sinking feeling starts to come over you.

We have all been here. We are human and therefore we behave badly at times. Modern life is busy and pressurised; we often have our capacity to cope tested. For this reason, we often live in a cycle of ‘action’ and ‘reaction’. This means that in the moment we don’t consider the choice of reactions open to us, we just act. However, if we can create some space between whatever is happening in the environment and our actions then we are more likely to offer a considered response; thus, avoiding a sulky afternoon with a colleague.

Now please don’t misunderstand, you are not going to have mastered this by the end of this article. It is hard. Hell, I’ve been trying for years and there are still days when I fail. However, if you start practising regular use of one question you are likely to see improvement in the way you interact with others.

There is one question you can ask to help you recover after you have behaved badly, plan better for the future, reduce the frequency with which you mess up and therefore improve your relationships with everyone! What is this magical question?

Why? Why did I behave that way? 

This can be harder to answer than you might imagine; so, I am going to help you out with a prompt list of places to look for the answer, as well as help for when you’ve already behaved badly and how to stop yourself from doing it again. The first thing to consider…

Physical factors

Ever felt ‘hangry’? Or zoned out completely when someone is talking? These are social symptoms of not taking care of yourself. How you show up with people is heavily influenced by how well you are meeting your biological needs. The right type and amount of food, water, sleep, and sunlight all influence the decisions we make. This is often a great place to start when you are asking your ‘whys’ because it’s usually possible to solve the issue quickly.

Fix it – take a break, go for a walk, get a snack, and then return to the issue once you feel a bit better. Whilst being hangry isn’t an excuse for being snappy with your colleague it’s much easier to apologise when you realise that your stomach was to blame!

Prevent it – consider taking care of yourself an act of service to others. Notice when you are getting tired or hungry and stop to take care of those needs. Everyone would rather wait 10mins for you to attend to your needs, and then have a productive conversation, than have you ignore that need and conflict arises.

Emotions

Your emotions are data, they turn up to tell you something. Whilst we rarely have control over how or when they show up, once we recognise what is present, we are capable of not letting them dictate our behaviour.

Let's take the incident with the colleague as an example. What emotions were you experiencing before your colleague came in? Irritability, stress, restlessness? Why? Likely because you are annoyed at yourself for being late, it’s the start of the day and thinking about everything you must do is overwhelming. You are consumed by what is going on in your head and end up treating your colleague poorly. However, if you can identify what was going on for you emotionally you quickly realise that it was about you and not them.

Fix it – establish exactly what it was you were feeling and why, it is your responsibility to take care of these things (for example, go to bed earlier so you don’t snooze as long). Then shift your emotional state, sometimes this happens by giving yourself time, or you might need to move your body or engage in a calming activity. Once the emotions that led to the mistake have left you, you can go and make a sincere apology and give the person the time and attention they needed.

Prevent it – make time to work out how you are feeling at certain points throughout the day and manage your own emotions. No one else should be tasked with managing your emotions. Monitor patterns across the week, if there is a certain situation that always leaves you drained or irritable, plan around that where possible. For example, if you know that you are not a morning person and that anyone bombarding you with questions first thing is going to irritate you, anticipate this, write out things the night before that you know might be helpful, or ask family/colleagues to wait until a certain time.

Physical Environment

Both the physical and social environment impact our behaviour. Everyone has very different needs when it comes to a physical environment. Noise, light, temperature, and technology interactions need to be at different levels for different people.

Even if you think you know your needs when it comes to your environment, I urge you to experiment as we change over time and certainly since the pandemic, people’s preferences have altered. What setting allows you to feel most comfortable and productive? Extended exposure to sensory stimuli that we struggle with can lead us to behave badly.

Fix it – largely environmental issues need to be fixed in advance. However, when you ask yourself ‘why’ and you extend your awareness to the room around you, only to discover that there is a noise, light or temperature irritant, then you should alter it. Sit in silence away from a screen for a little while before you make your next move.

Prevent it – grow your understanding of the way physical factors influence you. You may not think they make much difference, but it is always worth checking through experimentation. Try closing extraneous browser windows, use ‘do not disturb’ settings, get more light during the day, work with silence, or add music designed for focus and monitor your mood and productivity.

Other people

We are social sponges and easily influenced by the moods of others. I am sure you can think of groups of people you deal with and come away feeling positive, versus groups where you come away stressed and irritable. There are often recognisable patterns of unhelpful conversation in groups that meet regularly so look out for when these occur and start to influence your mood.

Fix it – if you have just behaved badly and you realise it was because you had taken on some socially contagious negativity, consider how many others around you are feeling the same way at that moment. The best way to improve the collective atmosphere is to ask yourself how you can serve someone else that day. Identify something you can do that will raise a smile or make someone feel validated or reassured. In doing so you will also gain the benefit.  

Prevent it – analyse the impact that certain combinations of people or discussion topics have on you. If you find yourself dragged into a negative, spiralling conversation then arm yourself. Have several fun, inoffensive topics ready to discuss to disrupt the normal pattern of conversation, ask for help with a crossword puzzle, tell a funny story, or show a classic cat video! Also, consider your own boundaries and limits, and tell people when you don’t want to discuss certain things – you might be surprised at how grateful others are for you speaking out.

Finally, there are times when you might feel like other people have caused you to behave in a particular way. For what we are trying to achieve here, we are going to believe that this is never true. We are not responsible for the behaviour of others, only for our own. Look inward first as there is never a time when our own physical or emotional state has not, at least contributed to things going wrong and there is always something we can do to improve things – even when that thing is well-considered silence or inaction.

Reflecting on the broad range of answers to the question ‘why?’ is a simple but effective way to create space between the outside world and the world that exists in your head. It can help you take control. Coaching is an excellent way of interrogating your answer to ‘why’ and can help you develop your skills in this area. If you start the ‘why’ exercise and enjoy what it brings you, consider a free coaching session with me – use the email me button below to get in touch.