10 top tips to cope with a break-up

Breaking up is a painful process and often we can get to a point where we wonder whether we will ever feel any better. If you'd like to read more, take a look at my article  Why is breaking up so painful?

For now, I'd like to share ten top tips to help you understand yourself and the feelings and thoughts that are circling around in your head, and strategies to cope and manage your new situation.

1. Take your time

Stop, breathe and slow down. You will probably be less able to function on the regular tasks that you would have done without even thinking about it in the past. Your emotions may take over your mind and take you on a downward spiral.

Some days you will feel worse and some days you'll feel better able to cope. Just be kind to yourself, and rest when you need to - this is key for your healing as you'll probably be having difficulties with sleep and focus. Be kind to yourself. This may take time; allow the process. If you feel you may be very distracted or wallowing, try getting your shoes on and going for a walk, somewhere new and fresh, breathe deeply and just be.

2. Feel your feelings

This is majorly important, stuffing down emotions can lead to all sorts of issues and illness. Depression and anxiety can worsen when we try to 'keep it all in' and then it can be easy to hide behind addictions because it feels comfortable and temporarily relieves the pain.

Try something new. Purchase a notebook and make a daily habit of writing a feelings journal to write out your thoughts and intense feelings, this will help you to slow down and feel everything that comes up for you - this can bring stuff up, but trust me you'll feel much better writing it down, than trapping it within. Personally, I wrote in countless journals and would burn them each month on the full moon as a ceremony to let it all go. It sounds crazy, but it works - try it! 

3. Stay connected

This is key. Family and friends truly do care for you, yet they also have their own lives, so if you are having a challenging time and need to talk, reach out. You are loved and people do truly care. If they can't talk, they will tell you and come back to you when they can give you the support you need. Be careful with this one as some people will encourage you to just live in your past pain and join you in your sadness. You want a friend to listen without worsening your pain - ideally, one who will help you find a way to be positive and feel better.

4. Cultivate new connections

Find a support group, maybe a walking group, something that brings you towards new enlivening connections that will widen your horizons. Join a yoga class, find a coach or therapist that will redirect your unhelpful emotions from festering. Coaches are trained in active listening and will take you from where you are to where you want to be without letting you mull over unhelpful thoughts.

5. Take responsibility

It can be very easy to blame the other person when we break up. Trust me, the best way to move forward is to be really aware to express your current feelings without diminishing your ex. You may feel so let down and angry, but talking about them and putting them down to others will not change the past or will it punish them. All it will do is accentuate your own bad feelings. Only you two know what really went on inside that relationship and no amount of gossip will allow anyone a true perspective into the world you used to share together. If anything, it's a one-sided story. Be bold - it takes courage to take responsibility like this and maintain your integrity.

6. Self-care

What do you need to nourish yourself? Maybe to get up early and walk during a sunrise, perhaps try meditation - there is a brilliant app called Insight Timer - this will gently ease you in if you've not tried it before. Perhaps listening to an uplifting positive podcast, having a hot bubble bath with candles, going window shopping, taking up a new hobby or picking up an old hobby you had as a child... I brought some blue and pink roller skates and would go every morning! I started to do things I had never ever done before like go for a coffee or a meal alone - I even went to the cinema and brought a big box of popcorn just for me... This is where I started to really embrace myself and it's become a habit to nurture myself... Self-love is key and this is the point you want to get to. 

7. Find a greater cause

One important thing to bring up here is that when you focus on something new, it lessens the pains of the past and helps you to transition into a new you. Personally, I had always wanted to walk the Great Wall of China and was interested in raising money for my chosen charity. After a little research, I found the perfect opportunity for me. Perhaps volunteering in a charity shop or helping in your local community will suit you better - just know that although life feels hopeless at times, there are bigger problems for others - this is very humbling and changes your perspective.

8. Have an awareness

Understand that as you heal you will have really good days and feel positive and fired up for life and your future, and sometimes those old feelings and memories have a way of popping up and can completely take you by surprise. Even something small like hearing a song on the radio or driving down a certain road may trigger old memories of the life that you once had. At times like these, it's important to have your support network or self-care shifters in place - or even just to sit and cry it out... as you heal, this becomes quite a therapeutic experience because you know you won't build a tent in your past and live there!

9. Focus on the now

Following on from point eight, something that I always like to remind everyone in my life is to focus on the now. We only have now - the past has gone. Regrets, self-pity and the 'what ifs' will never serve us. The past brought us experiences to teach us, to help us to grow and evolve into the people we are today. Try to see the past was a blessing because those experiences have made you stronger and more resilient.

10. Create a new way

Life will never be the same. This is a positive - truly. New experiences are waiting for you, new doors are opening all the time and a fresh way to see the world is waiting to be discovered by you. What is it you would really love to do or be? What brings you joy or lights you up? Find your bliss, make a vision board, write some new goals, learn a new skill or language... Life is yours to shape as you wish. Create a life that you'll be happy you lived. After all, life is a gift, the present is now - unwrap it and enjoy it.

My desire is to support you on your path to finding you, I offer free discovery calls by Zoom or FaceTime time and I'm flexible with timings and offer face-to-face walking coaching sessions if we live close by and if this would be preferable.