How can coaching help those navigating kink and BDSM?

Coaching is one of those things that brings with it lots of positives but people are only really aware of the benefits in certain contexts. So, when they hear it mentioned, they don’t even consider some of the other ways it can be beneficial. This can be great for those looking for support in developing their career, as career, business and executive coaching are all very well known.

Coaching can also be great for those who are venturing into the world of kink and BDSM, it’s just not as widely known about. This article will explore how coaching can benefit people who are into kink and BDSM. I have included a glossary at the end of the article to help with any unfamiliar vocabulary used. 

Exploring BDSM in intimate relationships

When people start exploring the spicier and more adventurous side of intimate relationships, there can be a sense that because so much is different, everything is different. It’s a false sense of security brought about by the belief that because their current or future kink relationship is so unlike what they’ve had before, they won’t run into any of the same old bumps in the road. This is, unfortunately, an oversimplification and it can land you in some difficult situations. 

What a lot of people who are newer to kink and BDSM miss is that they're still just dealing with human relationships. Even in the dynamics where people are living out a 24/7 power exchange, the same things are at play as in any other relationship. When the rope, cuffs, floggers and canes are finished with and put away, kinky people are still trying to navigate the ups and downs of life with all that entails like work commitments, friends, family, health issues, insecurities about their body/age, happy moments and sad moments just like everyone else. It's not surprising either.

There's no handbook that gets given out to people when they declare themselves as kinky which then unlocks all the secrets to permanently blissful, alternative relationships. Kink and BDSM are not the key to side-stepping challenges in relationships and communication forever. 

I have started this article off by saying this because I have seen people enter the kink/BDSM scene and get into dynamics with others only to experience disappointment at the fact that they are running into the same issues, or similar, as to what they saw in their vanilla relationships. They genuinely seemed to think that either the issues they had been having were specific to vanilla relationships or that the difference provided by incorporating kink and/or BDSM into their connections with other people would change everything.

It’s very normal to get caught up in the excitement and rush of doing something completely new and that high can make it feel like this time they will finally be happy and fulfilled in a way that will last. The honeymoon phase of any new endeavour can be a powerfully optimistic one and we don’t just experience this at the beginning of relationships - new jobs and joining new social groups are another couple of examples. So why wouldn’t they relish getting swept up in the thrill of all these previously unexplored possibilities when they start out with kink and BDSM? It’s important to note that when someone is in a honeymoon phase, they are not typically thinking of the pitfalls that might lie ahead of them or what they’re carrying with them that will trip them up later on.

With this in mind, it pays to be mindful of the fact that if you tend to do or experience any of the following then you might actually benefit from a little extra guidance to ensure you really are making positive change - not just taking the crap with you from one setting to another. 

• Being reluctant to speak up for yourself.
• Considering other people’s needs to be more important than your own.
• Struggling to manage intense emotions (whether your own or other people’s).
• Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings.
• Constantly trying to shape yourself into what you think will make other people happy.
• Using things like pain, sex, alcohol, food, games, TV/Netflix and even acts of service for others as a way to escape from, numb, lessen or counter unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
• Holding a poor opinion of yourself.
• Fearing being vulnerable with another person and looking for ways to mitigate that.

Things like this definitely don’t vanish simply because a person is consensually agreeing to be tickled, hit or humiliated by another person, or agreeing to do the tickling, hitting or humiliating themselves. Sometimes people build whole dynamics around one or more of the above bullet points because that’s what is familiar and then they wonder why, after a time, they aren’t feeling fulfilled. If someone doesn’t think they’re a good person, for example, then having a dynamic in which they consent to continually being told they’re bad can reinforce or exacerbate their self-image issues and cause them more harm than good. 

Consent, kink and BDSM

Consent is the cornerstone of kink and BDSM. It is of the utmost importance that all parties in any kink or BDSM activity are giving their consent. This means that they understand the activity, they understand the risks of engaging in the activity, they understand what can help to mitigate some of those risks and they agree to take part in the activity with the safety measures in place. As well as giving their consent, any party can revoke their consent for kink or BDSM activity/activities at any point. 

Checking in with each other during a scene, as well as before and after, is one of those things that people do to ensure everything is going well, check that consent is still in place, mitigate risk and ensure safety by keeping communication open. There are various ways this can be achieved.

Before and after play, everyone involved needs to be using plain, simple language to communicate what they’re happy with, what they won’t accept, what they want more/less of, what they feel about different things, what they want to get out of play etc.

During play, it can get a bit more complicated on account of some of the things people want to get out of it etc, so there are tools people put in place to allow for quick check-ins including the traffic light safeword system. All of this is necessary because kink and BDSM can evoke some intense emotions and people cannot always anticipate how they are going to react. Sometimes what makes someone giggle and moan one day is unbearable the next. Even after years of doing this stuff, it can still be difficult to predict how well things will go.

As you are starting to gather, open and honest communication is a requirement for enjoying kink and BDSM with a partner. This is true for both the top and the bottom. If, for example, a person values their partner’s feelings more than their own, it can be harder for them to feel able to alert their partner to something of concern or to make it known they no longer want to engage in that particular activity or scene anymore - especially when the other person is clearly very into it.

This is not hypothetical. It genuinely happens. One of the most important and positive things someone who is interested in kink and BDSM can do is learn how and when to speak up for themselves. Now, this is something that people can learn as they navigate the scene if they come across people who are happy and willing to guide them through it. Plenty don’t, however, and many learn about how to advocate for themselves properly the hard way.

How can coaching help with kink and BDSM?

Coaching can help people find their feet with kink and BDSM as well as really open up the doors for them (experienced or not) to have happier, healthier and more fulfilling lives as well as relationships. Some of the ways it achieves this are:

• helping clients to identify their emotions
• providing them with tools to manage their emotions
• guiding clients through the process of identifying their boundaries as well as how to set and enforce them (generally as well as kink/bdsm specific)
• assisting them in learning what is their responsibility to carry and what is someone else’s
• facilitating and developing their ability to identify and handle other people’s emotions
• empowering them in recognising, pursuing and having the kinds of consensual connections and interactions they want with other people

I work with people from all walks of life, including the world of kink and BDSM, in a very evidence-based way. My background is coaching psychology with a heavy influence from positive psychology. I also use NLP (neurolinguistic programming) with clients, where appropriate.

By accepting the part that kink and BDSM play in a client’s life but not focusing on it as anything more than a facet of their experience, I am able to help them see the patterns that are cropping up. Awareness is the first step and we can then look at what needs to be done to get my client the progress they want for their life.

I spend time with my clients looking at what is going well and why, what is not going well and why, what common themes are there, where do they want to be, what specifically will be useful in helping them get there, creating a plan and then putting it into action. If something isn’t helping as much as we expected, we can look at why and find other ways to get them the result they want.

People who are into kink and BDSM can and do benefit from coaching just as much as anyone else. 

Glossary

BDSM - An abbreviation for bondage, discipline, domination/submission, and sadomasochism. This is a practice whereby consenting adults engage in any of the aforementioned activities with each other for either sexual or non-sexual fulfilment.

Bottom - This is the person on the receiving end of actions in a scene. (Ie the person being tickled or hit)

Canes - A long thin toy for impact which may be made out of natural or synthetic materials.

Cuffs - Can refer to handcuffs or ankle cuffs and are used to restrain people. Typically made from metal or leather though other materials are also used.

Dynamic - A term often used to refer to the consensual relationship between two or more adults who engage in kink or BDSM. This may be, but also may not be, a non-commercial, romantic or long-term relationship.

Floggers - A multi-tail impact toy with a handle used to hit someone with. The handle is typically made out of wood or synthetic materials like carbon fibre and the handles themselves vary across types. The tails can be made out of various materials such as leather, suede, PVC, latex etc.

Kink - An inclusive, catch-all term for BDSM and other activities that consenting adults engage in together that may be for sexual or non-sexual enjoyment.

Play - The noun and verb used to refer to the kink/BDSM activities two or more consenting adults engage in together.

Power exchange - When a consenting adult gives over power to another. This may be limited to the bedroom or they may agree to carry this over into more of their day-to-day life.

Rope - Used to restrain people and can be made from natural or synthetic fibres.

(A) Scene - Also known as a session or a play. This is the name given to a period of time during which two or more consenting adults engage in kink/BDSM activities.

(The) Scene - This refers to the kink/BDSM community. It may be online, offline or a combination of both. Further qualifiers may be added to talk only about the community in a certain geographical area and/or interested in a particular kink (eg the London scene, the tickling scene).

Top - This is the person carrying out the actions in a scene. (Ie the person doing the tickling or hitting)

Traffic light safeword system - Using the colours of traffic lights to check where the other person is at. Green means I’m all good and can keep going like this. Yellow/Amber means something isn’t quite right. I might need a break or for something to change - let’s talk about it. Red means stop now.

Vanilla - The name given to people who do not engage in kink or BDSM.