6 steps to consider before your next relationship

Time between relationships is a valuable space for getting back to your true self and becoming clear about what you want the next time around. If you bounce from one partner to the next without using the time in a healthy way, you may find yourself repeating similar patterns.  

It can be tempting, or in some cases feels like a necessity, to run from one pair of arms to the next, but that is not only an unhealthy thing for you but an unfair thing for the new person.

A lot of my clients have done just this and found that their new relationships were just full of the same or similar issues. 

Getting to know yourself and then being your most congruent and authentic self is an attractive proposition to those who do the same. Not doing so means that you are likely to attract someone who hasn’t done it either and so come together in an incongruent space. 

There are several reasons for taking a break between relationships and then preparing yourself for the next, especially if at the end of your relationship you are emotionally and mentally exhausted. 

There could be pain and loss to deal with, as mentioned, you could feel drained by the last one and don’t know why it went so wrong. Any issues there are very likely to resurface in the next. 

I would have called myself a serial monogamist in the past. Always needing to be in a new relationship, seeking out what was missing in myself and longing to find the person to make me feel complete. As soon as my avoidance kicked in, I would be on the search for someone new or seeking validation for myself. 

Taking the time to understand yourself and your relationship history means that you can become a much happier and more fulfilled person and be ready for the next relationship or even to manifest it for yourself.

So, what are the key steps to pick yourself up after the end of your relationship and get ready for the next one?

As you may have guessed, the first is to:

Take some time to be single

And that doesn’t mean being single and checking out dating apps all of the time, going on dates and keeping new relationships casual. I mean, be on your own. Depending on how the last relationship ended will generally tell you how long this needs to be, but you could set yourself a time limit of say six months. It is better to do this than find yourself in and out of things, or even back into something you don’t want or need.

Learn to be comfortable with and accept yourself.

Devote some time to positive pursuits and people

Eat well, sleep well, exercise and generally make yourself feel good about yourself and your life. Try new pursuits and hobbies, meet new people and re-engage with the ones you may have let slide during your relationship.

If it has taken a knock (or maybe wasn’t there in the first place), build your own sense of self-worth and self-esteem.   

Take full responsibility for your own well-being. 

Acknowledge any pain you are experiencing

During the breaks of enjoying your new single life, you may experience the loss of the last person you were with. This can be painful but is essential to sit with so that it can be processed, like all forms of grief you will have in your life.

It can, and is likely to be, challenging, but those feelings are going nowhere without this acknowledgement and will come back and bite you whenever they need to be there. They can also make it so that you try and rush into someone else's arms to get rid of them.

Accept your complex emotions and tell yourself that they are ok, natural and to be expected and that they will pass.

Own your part in why the previous relationship didn’t work out 

It is very easy to blame the other person for what went wrong in your relationship, but there is always some part that you played in why it didn’t work out. So, take some responsibility and you can then rectify this in the next one. It may be that they were 95% responsible for the issues, but there is always something we could have done differently. 

This isn’t about beating yourself up, however, so don’t play the blame game. Just look at how you contributed to the breakdown and use that to your advantage next time.

Don’t compare yourself or regret 

We can often look at others when our lives go wrong. Wanting what they have can make us feel low and spiral into self-criticism. Don’t regret what went on in the past as this will lead to deeper negative emotions and cloud your judgement on how to move forward. 

Focus on the future, what you want to bring into your life and how you are going to create it. 

Clarify your own needs and wants, be aware of your own values and principles and lay out what the next person needs to have too.

Be clear on the boundaries for the next person and what you will do if these become blurry or are challenged in any way.

Don’t rush the next one

You need to be clear about what you want in your next relationship before you get involved with the next person. So, even if you think you have me the right one, keep the pace nice and steady. 

Don’t tell them everything about you at the start and don’t put your expectations out there either. Keep the conversation natural and flowing and see what you can glean from them without being too direct. 

Keep an eye out for any flags, be they green, pink or red flags and bank them accordingly. Act if you need to, especially around the red ones. 

Keep hold of the self that you have diligently worked on and don’t lose sight of who that is or lose yourself in the relationship.

Keep an eye on how you feel and what could trigger you. And decide if this is the person that can complement you, rather than complete you. 

Finally… if you do the above you are more than likely to attract someone into your life that will make you want to connect and commit to something longer-term. 

Where you are on your personal development journey will depend on how likely and quickly this will happen. If it does and you haven’t followed all of the steps above, then you may just want to trust your gut and go for it… but, a word of warning is that if you haven’t worked enough on your space then your gut instinct may then mislead you back to the familiar and another relationship that won’t work out as you want. 

Taking the time to invest in myself was the best decision I have made and although difficult at times it led me to knowing myself more completely and therefore understanding what I was doing and also what I wanted moving forward. 

I realised that I didn’t need to and couldn’t save everyone and also that I was worthy of love and being in a relationship that would complement me and allow me to connect in ways that I have always denied myself. 

Be good to yourself.