When covert narcissism is disguised as altruism

Covert narcissism is a term sometimes used to describe a less outwardly obvious presentation of narcissistic traits. It is not a separate diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Someone with these traits may appear humble, self-sacrificing and altruistic while also experiencing a strong need for validation or recognition.

When covert narcissistic traits are disguised as altruism, individuals may use their supposed acts of kindness and selflessness to gain attention, admiration, and control over others. They may make sacrifices or do things for others, but there may also be an expectation of recognition, appreciation or something in return. This can make it difficult to understand the motivations behind their behaviour.

 Covert narcissism disguised as altruism: What are the signs?

No individual behaviour can tell you whether someone has narcissistic personality disorder, and only an appropriately qualified mental health professional can make a diagnosis. However, there are patterns of behaviour sometimes associated with covert or vulnerable narcissistic traits that may be useful to recognise.

Some signs and behaviours to be aware of include:

• Excessive need for validation: Someone displaying these patterns may appear to be selfless and humble, but still crave attention and admiration from others. They may go out of their way to help others, while also seeking praise or recognition for their actions.
• Manipulative behaviour: They may use their supposed altruism as a way to manipulate and control others. They may use guilt or emotional blackmail to get what they want, or they may give gifts or do favours with the expectation of receiving something in return.
• Lack of empathy: They may struggle to consider the well-being or feelings of others, despite their claims of selflessness. Their actions may appear caring while the needs or boundaries of the other person are repeatedly overlooked.
• Difficulty handling criticism: They may become defensive or angry when their altruistic acts are questioned or criticised, particularly if they feel that their intentions or self-image are being challenged.

It's important to recognise that not all acts of kindness or selflessness are motivated by covert narcissism. Someone enjoying recognition or appreciation for helping others does not mean their kindness is manipulative. It is more useful to pay attention to repeated patterns of behaviour rather than trying to determine someone's motives from an individual interaction.

How do you spot the difference between covert narcissism and altruism?

Some behaviours associated with narcissistic traits can include:

• Lack of empathy: Someone may struggle to put themselves in other people's shoes or to understand how their actions or words impact others. Think of a bull in a China shop that continues its direction irrespective of the damage they are causing.
• Sensitivity to criticism: They may be hypersensitive to criticism or rejection and may react strongly when they perceive that their self-image is being threatened. This could include becoming defensive, withdrawing or responding with anger.
• Grandiosity: They may have an inflated sense of self-importance or uniqueness that they keep hidden from others.
• Attention-seeking behaviour: They may seek attention and admiration from others, but more subtly and indirectly, such as by being self-deprecating or fishing for compliments.
• Manipulative behaviour: They may use their charm, intelligence, or charisma to manipulate others to get what they want.
• Envy: They may harbour feelings of envy towards others who they feel are more successful or accomplished than they are. Envy or comparison may sometimes affect how someone responds to another person's success.
• Self-centeredness: They may be preoccupied with their own thoughts, feelings, and interests to the point where they disregard the needs and feelings of others.

These behaviours can occur for many different reasons and don't necessarily mean someone has NPD. A diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder can only be made by an appropriately qualified mental health professional.

Signs of altruism

Altruism refers to selfless concern for the welfare of others. Some signs of altruism can include:

• Helping behaviour: Altruistic individuals often engage in helping behaviours without expecting anything in return. This can include volunteering, donating to charity, or assisting someone in need.
• Empathy: Altruistic individuals tend to be highly empathetic, meaning they can understand and feel the emotions of others. This allows them to connect with others on a deeper level and respond with kindness and compassion.
• Sacrifice: Altruistic individuals are willing to make sacrifices for the benefit of others. This can include sacrificing their time, resources, or personal goals to help others.
• Generosity: Altruistic individuals tend to be generous with their time, resources, and energy. They are willing to give freely to others, even if it means they have less for themselves.
• Kindness: Altruistic individuals are often kind and compassionate towards others. They tend to treat others with respect and empathy and are willing to lend a helping hand when needed.

Overall, altruism is characterised by a genuine concern for the well-being of others, a willingness to help and support others, and a desire to make a positive impact in the world.

The distinction isn't always straightforward. Someone can enjoy appreciation for helping others without their kindness being manipulative. Rather than trying to diagnose another person's motivation, it can be more useful to notice repeated patterns. Does their help consistently come with expectations? Are you made to feel guilty or indebted? Are your boundaries respected when you say no?

Whatever label may or may not apply, you don't need to diagnose someone in order to recognise behaviour that is having a negative impact on you.

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