Not sure whether to stay or leave? How coaching can help

On Monday, you're certain it's over. By Wednesday, you're certain it's fine. By Friday, you don't know what you think. If you're stuck in this cycle, it doesn't mean you're indecisive. You're being asked to decide something without having all the information.

Three kinds of uncertainty

Research on relational uncertainty splits it into three questions (Knobloch and Solomon, 1999).

1. The first is about yourself: How sure am I about what I want?
2. The second is about your partner: How sure am I about what they want?
3. The third is about the relationship: How sure am I about where this is going?

Most people tend to lump all three into one. Pulling them apart often shows which one is causing most of the trouble.

Four options, not two

"Stay or leave" sounds like a choice between two things. In practice, there are four:

• You can accept: Stay, and make peace with how things are.
• You can change: Stay, and work on what isn't working, with the other person involved.
• You can tolerate: Stay without accepting or changing anything, hoping it improves. 
• Or, you can leave.

Tolerating is the one most people drift into without noticing, and it usually wears you down. Naming which of the four you're living in right now can help you feel less stuck.

What the research can and can't tell you

A large study of couples found that features of the relationship itself, such as how appreciated and supported people felt, predicted satisfaction better than individual personality traits (Joel et al., 2020). This suggests it may be more helpful to focus on what's happening in the relationship, rather than questioning what's 'wrong' with you.

A long-standing model says commitment rests on three things: how satisfied you are, what your alternatives look like, and what you've invested (Rusbult, 1980). If you're staying only because of the investment, or leaving only because of an imagined alternative, it's worth looking at that honestly.

The research can help explain relationship satisfaction and commitment, but it can't tell you whether you should stay or leave. No study can answer that for you.

How relationship coaching can help

People often come to me stuck in exactly this place, going round the same arguments in their head. Relationship coaching gives that a different shape.

In the first session, you'll have the opportunity to get everything out of your head and onto the page. A coach might ask what brought you here now, what has happened so far, and what you've already tried. Together, you can work out which of the three kinds of uncertainty is causing the most difficulty, because the next step is different for each.

If it's about you, the focus might be on what you want. If it's about your partner, it might be on what you've actually asked them. If it's about the relationship, it might be on what has changed and what hasn't.

You might explore the following questions with a coach:

• What would you be sure about if you weren't afraid of upsetting anyone?
• What are you hoping will change without you having to ask?
• What would you tell a close friend in your position?
• What does your body do when you picture staying, and when you picture leaving?
• What would you need to know to feel able to decide, and how could you find that out?

In my practice, I might ask you to try a few things between sessions. One is a week of noticing: at the end of each day, write one line on whether it felt like accepting, changing, tolerating or leaving. Another is a values list: write down what you need from a relationship and check each one against what you have. A third is to plan the conversation you've been avoiding, including what you want to say, what you want to ask, and what you'll do if it goes badly.

Deciding by mood doesn't work, because your mood changes daily. Instead, you might prefer to pick a review date four to six weeks away. Until then, gather information and try the things you've been putting off, such as the conversation you keep avoiding. On that date, look back at your notes and decide with more than a feeling.

As your review date gets closer, we look at everything you've gathered and test it. I won't tell you whether to stay or leave. My job is to help you reach a decision you can stand behind, whichever way it goes.

This kind of coaching isn't couples counselling, and it isn't right if you're afraid of your partner. If that's the case, and it's safe for you to do so, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for free, confidential support on 0808 2000 247, available 24 hours a day. If your feelings about the relationship are tied up with low mood or anxiety, your GP or a therapist may be a better first step.

References

Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., Allison, C. J., et al. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(32), 19061-19071.

Knobloch, L. K. and Solomon, D. H. (1999). Measuring the sources and content of relational uncertainty. Communication Studies, 50(4), 261-278.

Rusbult, C. E. (1980). Commitment and satisfaction in romantic associations: a test of the investment model. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 16(2), 172-186.