The non-apology apology

Does the title ring a bell with you? If it does, it's likely because you feel that something you were given, presented as accountability, doesn't feel like that at all and instead feels hollow.

If I may, let me start by saying that the likelihood of receiving a genuine apology from a narcissistic person or a person with pronounced narcissistic traits is low. 

But for the purposes of this article, in raising awareness of this dynamic, which is very commonly felt and endured because of the fear of loss, I hope it will be a tool of understanding that is helpful in the recovery from never actually having the hurt of wrong done towards you accounted for, being either right or perpetual.

Awareness is the beginning of all journeys of repair. 

Your hopefulness lost 

So, you get to a place where you finally think you might be the recipient of some accountability at last. 

Usually this occurs from within the hiatus of your own felt “enough is enough”.

When something has escalated to a level that is so awful, it would normally be understood that making some kind of genuine recompense would be inevitable out of decency.

You see it, you feel it; others might do the same when they are witness to it or hear about it. But no. Instead, you get the non-apology apology.

With it comes more than disappointment, and that, in itself, is difficult.

But in this, you may also feel gaslit by another version of your experience which is twisted and has you second-guessing your own experience. This one is popular with those who have traits of narcissism.

Let me give you some examples so you know what I mean.

• It was just a joke; why are you so sensitive?
• Not again; it is always about you.
• If it means that much to you, sorry then.
• I’m sorry you feel that way.
• I’m sorry you took it that way.
• What are you talking about? That never happened, but...
• I’ll apologise if you will ('if' is used a lot)

So actually the shift then becomes the problem (not what they did or repeatedly do, or said), which now becomes you. You are, according to them, the problem.

Blame reversal or tipping

It may be presented to you (and, let us not forget, others) as: It was something you provoked. It will likely never be them owning their own behaviour and their genuine acknowledgement, and even more importantly, the pain it caused you, addressed or furthermore the sadness (yours) it caused.

That is because it is yours, and anything outside of their own hemisphere of justice doesn’t exist for them, so alongside this awful set of feelings, you have their need to be accountable being gaslit by their denial of what is and what isn’t and what actually happened or took place. This kind of behaviour can leave you questioning your own experiences and feeling deeply isolated.

This is quite an art.

The twist

This twist from perpetrator to victim, where their use of 'sorry' is actually not sorry at all, will be when you begin to think about a common thread in the relationship and in other relationships of this kind.

You might even find that there is a pattern here in your relationships that becomes more obvious when this is questioned and not suppressed. 

The non-apology apology may be felt as better than nothing rather than losing the relationship, but it gets swallowed whole, and after a while, whenever your version of a while is, you will not be able to stomach it anymore.

That is because iniquity is a form of slavery, and it is fundamentally rooted in a quiet but outrageous death of self, and morally reprehensible. This has to surface eventually through either impasse, estrangement, ending and separation, whereby the low-effort, pale version of love and friendship given will have torn away the true version of yourself and what you hoped for can no longer be ignored or upheld. Or the lie be left intact 

Rebuilding and moving forward 

Your rebuild can be done in private, where your truth, instinct and perception are not corrupted, and you are not holding onto the relationship by accepting the unacceptable; it is not felt as a sword of Damocles, always held over your head. Here alone you can allow yourself the moment of the “win”, because even when the smallest achieved change is felt, you can then go on to win another moment and then another and that will become your “get out of jail card” through sovereignty. This is a new dawn.

In conclusion here, please know that it is not either your fate or your responsibility to allow the unallowable to be a prevalent reality so that what is feared as loss becomes all you ever get. 

That will never be felt as true peace, nor will it ever be felt as what is truly wanted. It will not be a compromise that will be sustainable in the long run; eventually, it will rise to the surface of your own heart.   

You do not have to convince someone who is true to value you, but sometimes this has to start by walking away from those who don’t.

If you can set this milestone to be something that is achievable and you make it there, your energy, through a felt victory, will change what is fact a change that is internal so that nothing outside of what is genuinely good for you will ever be let in again to hurt you.