Why deep listening matters in coaching

When was the last time that you considered your coach’s listening ability? This article explores listening, when we listen, and what we pay attention to.

Many writers talk about different levels of listening, and one way of summarising four key levels is as follows:

1. Cosmetic listening – your mind is elsewhere, and you are acting ‘as if’ you are listening. With the increasing use of mobile phones and other technology, we can often be distracted when we are with others and end up not really listening at all.
2. Conversational listening – you are engaged in the conversation, and it has a rhythm, such as listening, talking, thinking, listening, and talking.
3. Active listening – you are very interested in what the other person is saying and focus on their words. You are demonstrating the signs of effective listening, for example, noting facts, staying attuned, paraphrasing and reflecting. There is evidence that you have listened in the way you recall and summarise what the other person has said.
4. Deep listening – you are listening to the other person in a much more empathic way. You hear the content of their words and are also aware of how they might feel and how their words affect you. You may notice more non-verbal signals, such as tone of voice, use of hands and the emotions associated with the words. At this level, you seek to understand the other person’s perspective and show that understanding in how you respond.

Coaches can sometimes feel pressure to move at speed. They may therefore interrupt or perhaps give advice. In some organisations, those who talk may receive more recognition than those who listen well and use their insights empathically. It is easy, as a coach, to get caught up in showing what you know and not leave enough space for the client to explore.

Choosing your life coach

As part of selecting your coach, ask them how they remain aware of their own responses while listening to what is happening at a deeper level. If your coach notices what is going on for them, this self-awareness may help them remain curious about what is happening in another person’s emotional world.

Unrecognised preferences and reactions can play out in coaching conversations and affect how a coach listens. If, for instance, a coach does not like conflict, how do they allow another person to disagree and hear their reasoning? How do they learn what frustrates the other person? Without expression, these feelings may remain unaddressed and affect future conversations.

If you want the coaching process to increase self-awareness and support personal development, listening at a deeper level can be an important entry point. Both coaches and their clients can benefit from understanding themselves and the contradictions that make them unique. Listening to ourselves at a deeper level may help us listen more deeply to others.

Some ideas for how to listen at a deeper level

• Deepen your own self-awareness so that you start to recognise your beliefs and patterns of behaviour that affect others. We are shaped by the echoes of our past, and it can be helpful to stop and understand what continues to reverberate within you. Notice your reactions to people and events, particularly those that are unhelpful or operate on autopilot, and challenge these reactions.
• In a world that is increasingly full of noise and distraction, cultivate time and space for yourself where you can achieve some cognitive quiet and hear yourself think. You may find it helpful to spend time in the natural world. When you have space to reflect, insights can emerge.
• Work with someone you trust, or perhaps a coach or, for a coach, a supervisor, to identify patterns in your thinking that may be holding you back, such as the need to be right or a feeling of not being good enough. These may sometimes reflect insecurity.
• Give people space to access their own ideas first so that you can understand where they are coming from. A lot of the time, people are not comfortable with silence, but it gives the speaker time to think and work through an issue or idea. Become more comfortable with silence and practise using it and experiencing it from someone else.
• Notice the non-verbal cues of the person with whom you are working and remain curious about what they might mean. Rather than assuming, ask the person about what you have noticed. Also consider your tone of voice and the language you use. Pay attention to metaphors, as they can convey a lot of information in a simple way.
• Finally, a small but important point is to understand how you look when you are listening; check in a mirror if you are unsure, and consider the other person’s perspective. Does your expression show interest and respect? If not, consider what may need to change. Where it is appropriate and comfortable for both people, eye contact can help to show interest and connection, although individual and cultural preferences differ.