How saying no can help you say yes to yourself

It may seem odd at this time of year, traditionally associated with giving, for me to be talking about what seems like withholding! Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much about connection with others, and I understand that saying ‘no’ sounds counterintuitive, but bear with me.

I hope you will see that learning to set healthy boundaries not only helps us give to ourselves, but in turn strengthens us so we can truly give from a place of security and love instead of from a compulsion to please others.

Yes, I’m particularly talking to those of us who may have been guilty of some ‘people-pleasing’ tendencies at one time or another and have an inclination towards putting the needs of others before ourselves. You might have been brought up to think that making yourself a priority is somehow selfish, but it’s vital for healthy relationships and life in general.

Why do we ‘people please’?

So many of us are taught that we need to be caring and put others first, to the point we feel selfish or guilty if we think about our own needs.

It becomes habitual to prioritise others, perhaps to feel loved or accepted, and this conditioning builds throughout our lives until we begin to forget about ourselves. We also want to be ‘nice’ people and not let anyone down.

Let’s be honest: we like being seen as caring. We identify with this behaviour and see it as part of who we are.

What happens if we continue to put others first at the expense of our own needs?

Quite frankly, it’s draining to try to please all the people all the time. In fact, as the saying goes, it’s an impossible task and can leave us with little energy for ourselves.

What’s more, we may become so depleted that we struggle to give to others, even when it would be appropriate. As they say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Continually neglecting our mental, emotional and physical needs can contribute to stress, exhaustion and reduced well-being. People-pleasing can take its toll.

Our relationships may also suffer. We believe ourselves to be caring individuals and will give and give until a creeping resentment begins to build.

We start to question why we have so ‘selflessly’ been running ourselves ragged to attend to the needs of others when we have not received the same care and attention in return. This is when we need to take a long, hard look at our behaviour and ask whether they really expected us to do everything we took on.

Repeatedly agreeing without expressing our limits can create a pattern in which other people come to expect our availability. This does not excuse anyone who knowingly ignores or exploits our boundaries, but communicating those boundaries clearly can help create healthier expectations.

Not being true to ourselves or expressing our own needs can gradually eat away at our self-confidence too.

Why should we sometimes put ourselves first?

If I can make one thing clear, self-care is not the same as selfishness, whatever you may have been brought up to think.

In fact, you can often support others more effectively if you take care of yourself too. On flights, the attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help others. It’s the same principle with self-care.

If you are depleted, you may struggle to help anyone, including yourself. Taking care of your own needs is better for your well-being and can also support healthier relationships, as you are giving genuinely rather than relying on someone else to recognise that you have reached your limit.

You do not build up the same resentment towards others because you are not giving more than you can afford. You retain some energy and care for yourself, leaving more to share when you genuinely choose to.

Communication with others can also improve because you are not automatically saying ‘yes’ and regretting it later, leading to confusion when they cannot understand why you are upset.

How do we recognise when we are ‘people pleasing’ or saying ‘no’ to ourselves?

It can be hard for those of us who spend quite a bit of time in our heads, but tuning in and listening to our feelings can be useful.

Our emotions are not the enemy and do not always need to be suppressed. They can be valuable indicators of how we feel about something, although they do not necessarily tell us exactly what action to take.

If you are experiencing tiredness, resentment or frustration, ask yourself what those emotions might be telling you. Where might you need to adjust what you are doing to feel better?

Another clue can be found in our language. If you find yourself using the dreaded word “should” a lot, it could be a sign that you are doing something under pressure, often pressure from yourself, rather than because you genuinely choose to do it.

The same may apply to phrases such as “I’d better” or “I have to”. Start focusing on the language you use, and you may be surprised by what you discover.

How do you say ‘no’ to others and ‘yes’ to yourself?

You might now be convinced of why you would like to change your behaviour but be wondering how to do it.

Wait no longer! My top three tips for putting this newfound awareness into action are:

• Press the pause button – The next time you are about to say ‘yes’ on autopilot, take time to tune into your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to do this? Do I have the time and energy? Is this mine to take on?” If the word “should” appears, pause and consider where that pressure is coming from. Breathe and give yourself a moment.
• Use a ‘holding statement’ – In public relations, we might prepare a ‘holding statement’ in advance, ready to use when we need to buy time and work out what to do. If you find it hard to think on the spot or say ‘no’ immediately when asked to do something, use the equivalent of a holding statement. Simply tell the person that you will think about what they have asked and get back to them shortly.
• Build that ‘muscle’ gradually – Start by actively practising with small, trivial things that do not feel as though they matter too much. The more you exercise your ‘no’ muscle, the stronger it becomes and the more prepared you will feel to handle larger challenges. Be patient too. Muscles take time to build, especially when you haven’t used them for a while.

Recognise that, far from making you a selfish or ‘bad’ person, self-care is important for your well-being and relationships with those around you.

You are still kind and caring if you say ‘no’ sometimes. It’s simply that you are now applying that kindness and compassion to yourself as well.

The next time you find yourself saying ‘yes’ on autopilot, pause and ask yourself whether you really want or can do what has been asked, or whether you simply feel that you ‘should’.

Take small steps, practise repeatedly and, most importantly, don’t beat yourself up if you experience a setback. It takes time and perseverance to make positive changes in your life, but it is most certainly worth it.