How to recognise people who make you question yourself

Sometimes being in a particular kind of exchange can make us feel very uncomfortable. Often we are not sure why, but at our core, there will be a feeling that we are somehow not thought good enough or liked by the other person. Each exchange might leave you feeling that something isn't right.

Some examples might include:

• distortion
• gaslighting
• accusations of being too sensitive or emotional
• being told that they were "only joking"
• twisting situations into perpetual victimhood (theirs, not yours)
• lack of empathy that will be defended
• back-handed compliments
• condescension.

It might be hard to name these things, but if we can allow ourselves to say, “Yes, that is what is happening, or what happened, and I am not imagining it,” it can help.

Empathy is relationship glue, so if it is – and yes, it is – then where is the internal discomfort that should exist when they know they have hurt you? Or is it being done on purpose? Good question, and here is the answer. Someone who behaves in this way may not care about your pain simply because you explain it to them. They may actually defend and justify their behaviour when you raise it as a question or give them an opportunity to put things right and behave more decently.

Here is where the bewilderment exists because it is just generally, or dare I say normally, that people do not behave in this blinkered, blind sided way. Or worse still, a cruel way. The crazy thing is that because this is a normal expectation, you will be shocked by their lack of a normal response.

Some people just don’t function the way you might expect, and those people are best to walk away from. Here, it is wiser to limit their access to you, and it is far easier when you know you are not dealing with someone who will behave decently from the start of whatever you hope to share with them.

How to recognise people who might behave in this way

This behaviour can be difficult to recognise, but becoming aware of these behaviours can help. Being forewarned is being forearmed.

Sadly, this kind of behaviour can sometimes exist in hierarchical situations, which in itself can create an opportunity to take advantage of another’s vulnerability. This does not mean that most people who work in hierarchical fields are like this, only that hierarchy of any kind can sometimes create an imbalance of power.

If you know who you are dealing with from the start, you can move on to someone else in any situation where you are going to have a better, kinder exchange. This will be better for you at every level because you will feel safer in this place of exchange.

If you are uncomfortable for any reason in any exchange with another person, feel embarrassed by someone, or they make you doubt yourself as a direct result of how they treated you, you have every right to cut it short and move on.

Sweet in public but not in private 

Here, any kind of vulnerability is an opportunity to exploit and often to demean, not something to protect. But why? It may be about power and control. This comes from their own murky depths and perhaps their need to control what they may never could.

But you know, to be honest here, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is being able to protect yourself from them. If someone repeatedly hurts or belittles you rather than offering care and decency, it may be time to consider what boundaries you need to put in place to protect yourself. As I said, not everyone has good intentions, and it is perfectly OK to see that.

If you are alone, who is there to validate your truth? But if you can arm yourself with enough awareness to recognise and trust your own experience, you are no longer at a loss for a witness. Instead, you have your own self-belief intact to be your light along the way.

If by any chance you might be in a situation where a person like this is the only person you have to turn to if theirs is the only voice and leaving is not an option, then seeking out support will be really important. Find someone who is kind and sympathetic to talk to so that you do not feel isolated or alone. It is one thing dealing with a cold and unhelpful person in a particular situation, but quite another if this is the person you go home to every day. 

Their faux concern can feel more like possession, creating a need for hypervigilance to avoid their anger and/or disapproval. Before you know it, you may begin to second-guess even your own innocence if you feel constantly scrutinised. If they sense you pulling away or “waking up” to these behaviours, the situation may escalate, and other perspectives or sources of love and support may feel threatening to them.

If you feel unsafe or frightened in your situation, it’s important to reach out for appropriate support.

Breaking free

Recognition and awareness are the first step to becoming free. Explanations and second chances are not owed. You do not have to stay small. Boundaries are your shields. That is why recognising this for what it really is as soon as possible is so important for awareness. Once you are aware, you cannot be unaware again; you cannot unsee what you have seen.