Do you avoid conflict at all costs?

Most of us aren’t keen on conflict. True, some people relish it or are energised by it, but most of us don’t seek it out. For some people, however, it’s the worst thing ever. They will go to great lengths to avoid conflict. Why might this happen, and what can you do about it?

I regularly come across people who tell me two things: they don’t know how to set boundaries, and they hate confrontation. While these are different things, it is understandable that they can become muddled together.

As children, we may learn about boundaries from our parents or caregivers, who set them for us and model them through their behaviour. If we didn’t experience healthy boundaries for whatever reason, we may find it harder to identify and communicate our own limits. This is not the only reason someone may avoid conflict, but repeatedly staying silent can contribute to anger and resentment.

We may even feel ashamed about speaking up for ourselves because we feel responsible for other people’s feelings. We cannot control how another person feels, although we are responsible for communicating respectfully and considering the impact of our behaviour.

We can care about another person’s feelings while setting or maintaining a boundary. Caring does not require us to abandon our own limits.

Six things you can do about it

1. Understand what your own boundaries are

A boundary is a limit that helps establish what we are comfortable with, what we are willing to do and how we will respond if that limit is crossed. It is not a way of controlling another person.

We discover our own boundaries by getting to know ourselves, our values, needs and feelings, and by working on recognising our self-worth and cultivating our self-esteem.

2. Give yourself permission to look after yourself

If you don’t look after yourself, who will? Yes, it’s lovely when other people look out for us, but we can’t rely entirely on the opinions and actions of others. Give yourself permission to look after yourself.

3. Give yourself permission to mess up!

You are learning a new skill when you begin setting boundaries. When we are learning, we make mistakes, so expect and embrace them. You may swing between being too rigid and being too soft with your boundaries for a while. Keep practising; it can become easier.

4. Know when to set a boundary

If something makes you feel uncomfortable or upset, pay attention to that. Ask yourself how you feel and, if it is helpful, bring your attention from your thoughts to your body. Slow down and take several comfortable breaths.

Try not to get distracted by imagined “what-ifs” or drawn into a blame game. Feelings and physical reactions can provide useful information, but they may not tell the whole story. Once you have identified how you feel, ask yourself whether there is a need or personal limit associated with it.

5. Speak up

Speaking up for yourself can feel powerful and vulnerable, especially at first. It may become easier with practice. One way to express yourself without blame is to say:

“When you did or said ___, I felt ___.”

Try to focus on the specific behaviour rather than making a judgement about the other person. If you have a request, you can add:

“Next time, please ___,” or “I would prefer it if you ___.”

The other person may not agree to your request. A boundary may therefore also include deciding what you will do if the situation happens again.

If someone is abusive, threatening or controlling, or you believe speaking up could put you at risk, prioritise your safety and seek support rather than confronting them directly.

6. Trust yourself

There will be some people with whom you don’t feel comfortable having this kind of conversation. You get to decide what you tell people. In some cases, you may decide that raising an issue is not worth your time and energy. Remember that you can’t change other people. You are best placed to decide who in your life can take part in these in-depth conversations.

Conflict is a normal part of everyday life because we all have different needs and expectations. If we avoid addressing everything that bothers us, resentment can build and may damage the relationship we wanted to preserve.

Speaking up may help other people understand our needs and reinforce the belief that “I matter”. It cannot guarantee agreement or a particular outcome, but it gives us an opportunity to communicate our boundaries clearly and respectfully.