Building trust with your child

Trust is an important part of the relationship we build with our children. We want them to know they can come to us when something is difficult, share how they're feeling and be themselves without worrying about getting it right all the time.

Building trust with your child isn't only about showing them they can rely on you. It's also about showing that you trust them to make decisions, try new things, make mistakes and gradually find their own way through challenges.

This can be difficult as a parent. When we see our child struggling, the instinct to step in and make things better can be strong. Sometimes, though, listening rather than fixing can give them something equally valuable: the message that we believe they're capable of working things out.

So, what might building trust with your child look like in everyday family life?

1. Notice who they are, not just what they achieve

Praise can feel encouraging, but try looking beyond results and noticing the qualities your child shows along the way. For example, rather than simply saying well done, you might notice that they were kind to someone, kept trying when something was difficult or showed courage in an unfamiliar situation.

Being specific can help your child understand what you've noticed and, importantly, feel seen for who they are rather than only what they achieve.

2. Model the behaviour you want to encourage

Children learn a great deal from what they see and experience around them. If you want your child to feel comfortable communicating openly, consider how you communicate with them.

Do you listen when they have a different opinion? Can you acknowledge when you've made a mistake? Are you able to talk about your own feelings in an age-appropriate way?

Building trust is a two-way process. Showing the openness and respect you'd like to receive can help create a relationship where both of you feel able to communicate.

3. Give them opportunities to work things out

Knowing when to step in and when to step back isn't always easy. If your child is struggling, your instinct may be to take over or solve the problem for them. But, when it's safe and appropriate, giving them time to think about what they could do next can communicate something powerful: I trust you to have a go.

This doesn't mean leaving them to manage everything alone. You can remain available, offer reassurance and ask what support they would find helpful.

4. Listen before trying to solve the problem

If your child shares a worry or doubt with you, it can be tempting to reassure them immediately. We might tell them there's nothing to worry about or explain why everything will be fine.

Instead, try giving them space to tell you what's happening. Listening and acknowledging their feelings doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say. It lets them know that their thoughts and feelings are safe to share with you. You could then help them remember other difficult situations they've navigated successfully. Rather than telling them what they should do, ask what helped before and what they think might help this time.

5. Show them that you trust them

As children grow, they'll naturally want more opportunities to make choices and develop independence. For parents, this can involve gradually stepping back.

Think about the decisions your child could reasonably make for themselves, depending on their age and circumstances. Giving them appropriate choices can help demonstrate that you value their judgement while letting them know you're still there when they need support.

There will inevitably be mistakes along the way, for both the children and parents. Trust isn't built through getting everything right but through repeated experiences of listening, communicating, repairing when things go wrong and knowing you can come back to each other.

If you'd like to explore communication, boundaries or your relationship with your child, working with a coach can offer a supportive space to reflect on what you want for your family and what could help you move towards it.