Our changing relationship with our children when they leave home

The home that not so long ago was filled with the familiar and reassuring noise of family life is now strangely quiet. Some parents breathe a sigh of relief when their last adult child leaves home. For many, it feels like a loss of what they had. And most parents feel a mix of emotions somewhere in between.

If that is where you are right now, know that this is not a problem to be solved but a transition to be navigated.

You will always be your child’s parent, but just in a different way. This new version of your relationship can become a deeply rewarding one for both of you as the balance tips towards a more interdependent adult-to-adult one, as opposed to your child being fully dependent on you.

But this doesn’t happen automatically. It happens when parents make a conscious choice to grow alongside their children, rather than holding onto a version of the relationship that no longer fits the present reality.

This article is to help you reflect on parenting and guide you as you adjust to this new way of being.

Returning to your values

In times of change and transition, we tend to cope better when we have a strong sense of our values. A value is a principle that guides you in your life choices, how you interact with the world around you, and motivates you towards your goals in life.

While our emotions can pull us in different directions, our values are more stable (but not static), and we are more likely to make better choices when we follow them.

This is a good time to reflect on your own values and let them guide you, as your relationship with your child evolves. For example, if connection is an important value for you, how does it guide you in creating new family rituals, rather than clinging to old ones?

When you are guided by your values, what does that look like? And how does it feel when your emotions take the reins? For example, allowing anxiety to prompt you to check in with your child three times daily rather than following your value of trust that your child is capable and well prepared for this.

Working with a coach can help you to clarify your values: are these values or principles still important and relevant for you now? How can you move forward, aligning yourself with your values? When we make conscious choices aligned with what is truly important to us, it helps us feel more in control of our lives while being true to ourselves. 

Letting them fail: trusting their resilience

It doesn’t seem so long ago that you were giving a lot of direction in your young adult child’s life, from school subjects to career choice to relationships and everything in between. Young adults still rely on their parents as a safe base, but they need to come to you, not be directed.

Now we must let them make their own decisions and allow them to own the consequences of these.

As loving, caring parents, it can be really hard not to step in to rescue them if we fear they are going to mess up. But here’s the thing, listening and empathising with them is likely to be more helpful in the long run than jumping in to fix their problems. Why? Because this allows our adult kids to learn and grow from their mistakes in life.

Showing genuine interest in their adult choices, e.g., career, relationships, lifestyle, etc., rather than judging or giving unsolicited advice, shows that you trust their resilience to learn and grow.

One of the most difficult shifts parents face when their children leave home is learning to tolerate their child’s struggles from a distance. It can feel wrong and uncaring not to rescue our child from failure.

However, Martin Seligman’s research on learned helplessness and resilience shows that we develop self-confidence not from being protected from failure, but from experiencing difficulty and recovering from it. As a parent, this takes enormous courage not to intervene and choose to let them work it out by themselves, but this is the real work of parenting at this stage.

Caring boundaries

Boundaries are often tricky, especially with loved ones, but necessary to have healthy, happy relationships.

A boundary is not an imaginary wall that keeps people away. It is the space between each of us where mutual respect for each other's needs can thrive. All of us have a finite amount of time, energy and resources, and we should be able to express this in a clear, respectful way.

As a parent, you will likely have already had experience of your teenager wanting to be on their own, bedroom door firmly closed. And you would have needed your own space, too, at times.

Now that they have left home and are living independently, you might find yourself questioning how often to contact them and wondering, “Is it OK to show up on their doorstep to surprise them?”

In the beginning, it’s usually better to let them set the pace. The quality of your contact with each other is more important than frequency. Adult children are likely to feel closer to their parents when they listen without advice-giving, who share their own lives openly and who express interest rather than concern.

Understanding that your adult child has a private side to their life now fosters mutual respect. Some young people want more privacy, while others would love a surprise visit from you now and again. If they live a distance away, perhaps phoning or video calling once a week works for both of you. Trust your parental intuition or simply ask them. There is no rule set in stone here; it's about finding what is right for your own family, to keep you both feeling connected and secure.

Another way to help you both feel and stay connected in a meaningful way is to create some new family rituals. Maybe meeting up once a month for dinner or brunch together if distance allows, or doing something extra special if they come home for the holidays. Put your heads together and come up with ideas to do things together that are enjoyable for both of you.

Turning your focus onto yourself

Whether you are in the early days of becoming an empty nester or you are months along in your transition, it makes sense to focus on yourself for a while. 

While your kids are busy with the job of settling into their new place, starting university or a new job, you can help yourself feel better by taking some practical steps.

Before you rush into turning the house upside down or trekking through Asia, give yourself time to adjust. Be kind to yourself. It’s likely that you will also be dealing with other challenges at this stage of your life, such as supporting elderly parents, fluctuating hormone levels and work. 

A routine can help give some structure to your day, now that your time doesn’t revolve around parenting. Take time to prepare  healthy, tasty meals for yourself and fitting in a walk or some other daily exercise helps you sleep better. This is essential for your resilience, energy levels and mood stability.

Process how you feel by meeting up with a friend, maybe in the same position, and talk about your thoughts and feelings.

Journaling is also a proactive and effective way of getting things out of your head. Perhaps journaling about your day and how you are feeling, for 10 minutes before bed, will help you sleep better.

Do things that are meaningful to you in your free time, whether it's a hobby, a project or a volunteering role. Plan some things to look forward to and to tell your kids about next time you talk to them. This will make them feel better, too, knowing that although you miss them, you are getting on with your own life.

The empty nest is one of life’s most significant but least-celebrated transitions. Nevertheless, the evidence is encouraging; relationships with adult children tend to deepen when allowed to evolve, and your sense of self expands if you give it the attention it deserves. Your identity as a parent hasn’t ended; it’s changing shape.

Having the right support from someone who can help you reflect, adjust and move forward with clarity makes a huge difference to how quickly you find your footing and how fully you step into your next chapter. You haven’t lost your purpose. You’re just being invited to rediscover it.