How to turn your inner critic into your inner coach

You’re familiar with being encouraging and supportive to others; you can give constructive feedback and kind words to others, yet that inner voice that directs criticism, put-downs and is generally unkind can be the undoing of us.

You spend a lot of time in your head. Is it a nice place to be? If it were a garden, would it be a Garden of Eden, flourishing, cared for, nurtured and beautiful or would it be Chornobyl, desolate, toxic, harmful?

If you said the things that you say to yourself to your friends, would you have any? Would you even dare say some of the things you say to yourself to your friends? Would you say them to your children or loved ones?

With high expectations, pressure to achieve and the ‘compare and despair’ that can come with social media, it can be easy to become a harsh critic of the things you feel you fall short of and forget that we are merely humans, beautiful in all of our flaws.

There are traditions and art forms that find beauty in imperfection. Japanese kintsugi, for example, repairs broken pottery in a way that makes the repair visible rather than trying to hide it.

With so many references to imperfections, why then do some of us wield a fist of frustration and anger at ourselves when we fall short of our own self-imposed expectations?

As a coach, I have seen how distressing a harsh and critical inner voice can be for people. As a human, I lived with a harsh, critical, inflexible and dissatisfied inner voice. Over time, learning to relate to myself differently became an important part of improving my own wellbeing and happiness.

I was working with two clients recently, both of whom have that harsh and critical inner voice. Neither knew how to change it; both lacked the 'how'. So how do you become your own best coach when all you have known is the criticism, the put-downs, the unkindness, that powerful inner voice?

The first step is to understand what you value in a coach or a mentor.

1. Think of someone who inspires you

Think about a person, either current or in your past, that has inspired you to feel good about yourself.

2. Identify the qualities you value

Write down what it is about them and their qualities. These can be qualities such as encouraging, kind, supportive, honest, constructive, truthful, direct, gentle, compassionate, empathetic, respectful, or accountable.

Find what is important to you.

3. Write down your critical inner voice

Take a plain piece of paper and begin to write down the all-too-familiar critical inner voice. What does it often say to you?

4. Become your own coach

Now take another piece of paper and begin to change each of those statements. Rewrite them using the values of what makes a great coach for you.

For example:

Why am I even doing this? I'm clearly rubbish.

You are doing your best; recognise how far you have come and see what needs to be improved.

You stupid idiot, why did you do that?

What is done is done; nobody is perfect. What could you do or say differently next time?

5. Decide which voice you want to keep

Now take the two pieces of paper, the one with the negative and harsh statements on it, the other with the statements that would come from a great coach.

Now make a decision: which one do you want to keep and which one do you want to get rid of? I'm guessing that you'll want to keep the great coach? Phew!

Now you can rip up the negative, harsh and critical statements, which is surprisingly cathartic.

6. Remind yourself what a great coach sounds like

Make a poster with all the qualities that make a great coach for you, put it somewhere that you will see regularly, and each day check in with yourself - am I being a great coach to myself today?

7. Reflect on your progress

Each week, reflect on your achievements. Write down three things that you are proud of yourself for, then write down three things you'd like to work on or approach differently. Make sure they are a mixture of personal, lifestyle, health, relationships and professional if applicable.

Changing the way you speak to yourself takes practice. Your old inner voice may still show up, particularly when you're under pressure, but noticing it and deliberately choosing a more constructive response can become easier over time.

The next time your inner critic speaks up, ask yourself: what would a great coach say to me instead?