Stop people pleasing and start prioritising yourself

In my previous article, 'Permission to prioritise yourself', I shared a little about what can happen when we don't prioritise ourselves. Today I thought I'd follow up with some pointers about how to stop people pleasing and start prioritising yourself.

First up, let's dispel a myth that could be creating some resistance to putting yourself first…

"But won't people think I'm selfish?"

Let me assure you that prioritising yourself is not selfish, it's actually one of the most selfless things you can do! Let me explain…

The consequences of always focusing on others are that you lose yourself, you're often oscillating between states of frustration, exhaustion, anxiety, stress and resentment, you are more likely to burn out and have issues with your health and well-being and generally feel fairly miserable and unfulfilled. I bet you're a real pleasure to be around when you feel like that, right?!

I know in our culture we are often praised and rewarded when we go above and beyond for others, and I'm certainly not against doing that every so often. However, if you are always giving, are rubbish at receiving, and rarely replenishing yourself, it doesn't end well - for you or anyone else!

If you are someone who likes to be of service and help others, it's even more important that you are prioritising yourself so that you can give to others in a sustainable way. I really cannot stress this point enough - you simply must change your mindset when it comes to this if you want to feel better and live a happier, more fulfilling life.

So let's jump in and explore some ways that you can start to prioritise yourself...

Challenge your beliefs

There's an awful lot of talk about self-care and self-love; however, in our increasingly busy world, finding the time and energy to do this is hard.

Learning how to prioritise yourself goes beyond self-care. It requires you to rewrite your internal rule book for how you 'should' behave. We all have our own inner 'rule book' full of the 'shoulds' we have picked up over the years from a variety of sources:

These rules are the blueprint for how we learn to be to feel safe or OK. When we go against one of these inner rules or beliefs, we often feel guilt or even shame, as a way to get us back on track with how we 'should' be. 

This is a survival mechanism designed to get us doing what we've always done because that is what has been tried and tested and worked in the past.

If you have learned to please and prioritise others to feel OK, when you start to behave in ways that could be perceived as displeasing, disappointing or against one of your inner beliefs, your guilt will try to get you back to your familiar pleasing pattern to feel safe again.

These beliefs are often built on the expectations of others - who we feel we have to be to meet other people's needs and desires. However, they are also what are holding you back from prioritising yourself.

In the words of author Brene Brown:

“You have to choose self-love and self-respect over what others think of you or the possibility of disappointing them.”

Build your self-awareness

In order to prioritise yourself, you have to know yourself - who you are, what you want and need, what you value, your motivations, feelings, strengths and weaknesses. Otherwise, you just get blown around by other people's stuff - their feelings, wants, needs and expectations - like a leaf on a windy day!

If you don't have a strong sense of self then you probably prefer to defer to others' opinions or decision-making skills. I get it, by deferring to others, it feels safer - you don't rock the boat, you don't displease or disappoint others with the choices you make, and you also get to avoid accountability if it goes wrong. The problem is that you tend to be a bit of a chameleon, changing yourself to fit in with your different surroundings, telling people what you think they want to hear, etc.

Back in the day, when our survival was very much determined by being part of the tribe, this was a life-preserving skill. Thankfully we've evolved and, for the most part, we don't have to worry too much about being stalked by lions, tigers and bears. So, whilst it may be preferable to be liked, your survival rarely depends on it these days.

When we don't have a strong sense of self, then it's difficult for others to know who we are and what we stand for. If we are too agreeable, people get suspicious and it becomes difficult for them to trust us.

I've seen this in business settings with leaders struggling to trust a team member to speak up and advice for themselves and thus look after their well-being, as well as with private clients in personal relationships.

Discovering our true self helps us to identify where we end and others begin; to not get caught up in the expectations and identities the world creates for us. Once we stop focusing all our attention on others, we organically have time to turn inwards and reconnect with our passions and the things that truly light us up and fulfil us.

Practice saying no and setting boundaries

Yep, I know it's a bit of a cliché but you have to become a master at saying no!

One of the reasons we struggle to prioritise ourselves is that we can't say no to others, and consequently our life feels full. We say we don't have time, but often what that means is that we don't have time for ourselves...

When we struggle with displeasing and disappointing others, we have a habit of saying yes automatically and then we feel our heart sink when we realise we've taken on something we don't have the time, energy or money for. Or worse, we've said yes to something we don't really want to do!

So next time someone asks something of you, press the pause button before responding.

Once you've created some space to think, check in with yourself. One of my favourite ways to do this is to pay attention to the sensations in my body and notice whether I feel a contraction or expansion when I think about what's being asked of me. Does my heart sing or sink? Am I filled with excitement or dread?

Irrespective of your reaction in the moment, if it's a big decision or commitment, wait until your emotions come back to neutral before you make a choice. I can't tell you how many times I've committed to something when I've felt excited and then regretted that decision further down the line!

Continually forsaking your own feelings, wants and needs, and prioritising others has a detrimental effect on your mental, emotional and physical well-being, which in turn impacts your relationships and career.

I know how hard it is to risk displeasing and disappointing others and, here's the thing… You're going to feel discomfort either way, so my advice is to choose yourself. This is how you begin to build your self-worth, self-respect and healthier, more reciprocal relationships.

Coincidentally, challenging your beliefs, building your self-awareness and helping you to be more assertive, set boundaries and say no are some of my specialities! So if this article resonates with you and you'd like some support please do not hesitate to reach out.