Permission to prioritise yourself

OK, so you don’t need my permission to do this; however, when I think back to the times in my life when I’ve been knee-deep in people pleasing, trying to do all the things, I remember that I didn’t feel able to just prioritise myself because I was scared of upsetting and disappointing others. I didn’t want to add more to someone else’s plate by asking for help either. My focus was on everyone else around me and my wants and needs didn’t even factor in! 

On reflection, it’s worrying how quick I was to abandon myself because I was so scared of rejection, criticism, loss or someone else abandoning me. Be it at work or in my personal life, their needs often came before my own. And you know what that got me? Stressed, anxious, frustrated, resentful and miserable! 

To avoid dealing with those uncomfortable emotions I comfort ate, numbed with wine, kept super busy and binge-watched Netflix to escape my reality. All of which gave me some short-term pleasure but long-term just made things worse.

I was surviving, but definitely not thriving!

I wish I could tell you that I went through this cycle of self-destruction just the once, learned my lesson and lived happily ever after. Sadly though, this is not the case! I had to repeat this cycle again and again, each time learning more about myself, my self-sabotaging patterns of behaviour and what I truly value and need to feel happy.

So today I thought I would share with you some of my hard-learned lessons about what happens when you don’t prioritise yourself…

What happens when you don't prioritise yourself? 

You lose yourself

Take a look around you and count how many white objects you can see. Now close your eyes… and tell me how many blue objects there are. Chances are that you probably don’t know because you’ve only been focusing on the white objects. My point is that when we put all our energy, time and focus into others – making sure they are OK, happy, supported, etc – eventually we will start to lose touch with ourselves.

So many of my clients have lost themselves because they got consumed with other people's 'stuff' and being of service to everyone else. They stuffed down their opinions and silenced themselves because they feared conflict and wanted to 'keep the peace' or not 'rock the boat'. Does that sound familiar?

I get it. I don’t like having those hard conversations either, and yet if we don’t then we end up disappearing!

So if you’ve ever felt unseen, invisible at work or in your relationships, here is an invitation to get curious about how you’re showing up. Are you showing up (or staying quiet)? Do you even know what you think, how you feel or what you need?

Building a strong sense of self is key to you being able to prioritise yourself, have healthy relationships and live a happy and fulfilling life.

Our fears become our reality

People-pleasing behaviour is driven by fear. Usually fear of rejection or abandonment. To avoid this we learn to focus on pleasing others; which ironically often requires us to abandon ourselves!

Self-abandonment happens when we neglect our own needs, wants, feelings and values and prioritise other people and their problems at the expense of ourselves. We feel like our stuff doesn’t really matter because we’ve learned that others matter more. This is also why people pleasers often struggle with their self-worth and confidence.

Self-abandonment requires us to disassociate or numb our feelings, convincing ourselves that they are wrong or that we shouldn’t feel the way we do. We often struggle to say no and disappoint others, meaning our plate is full of things that aren’t our responsibility, we don’t want to do or do want to do but don’t actually have time for! We are also pretty rubbish at asserting ourselves, setting boundaries and asking for help.

So what does this show people? It shows them we’re super chilled, need very little from them and will tolerate whatever is thrown at us! OK, I may be exaggerating a little (or not), the point is that we are hiding our true selves. 

Underneath the calm, accommodating, pleasing exterior is a whole host of feelings, needs, thoughts and opinions bubbling away like a volcano, just waiting to explode!

We show others how to treat us by what we accept and tolerate. If you are abandoning yourself, you’re showing them that you aren't important, so why should they make you a priority when you don’t prioritise yourself?

The highway to burnout

Burnout is often associated with our work life; however, it often incorporates a cocktail of 'all the things'  that build up over time in both our personal and professional lives until we reach a breaking point.

As people pleasers we often brush off the warning signs of burnout by saying we are ‘just’ feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed, minimising how we really feel and the toll these things are taking on us.

Stress occurs when we perceive that we cannot adequately handle the demands being made of us. 

Now typically, as these demands increase (fuelled by our inability to say no, set boundaries, have hard conversations and laser focus on others), our self-care tends to decrease as we feel like we don’t have enough time (for ourselves).  This directly affects our ability to handle the increased demands and thus becomes a bit of a vicious cycle.

Often the reason we burn out is not due to the stress or the demands placed upon us, it’s because we stop prioritising and taking care of ourselves.

Making time for you

Life ebbs and flows like the tide. The ebb is the outgoing phase when the tide drains away from the shore, and the flow is the incoming phase when the water rises again. If everything in your life ebbs and drains you and very little flows and replenishes you, then everything will feel out of balance and incredibly hard.

It is not asking too much to want a life that feels good and nourishes you. 

If you are struggling with prioritising yourself and would like some help from someone who has trodden a similar path then please do not hesitate to reach out. I would love to know if this article resonates with you - drop me a message and let me know (I read and reply to all of my emails personally).