How to move beyond the illusion it was love

After the disgard from a narcissistic relationship, getting over the illusion begins.


So here you are – weary, still reeling from the aftermath of the devaluation effects, which is basically a version of PTSD (yes, truly). Post traumatic stress disorder is not just what occurs after the effect of war, but actually any trauma event.

However for many – and yes, l can include myself in the many, back in earlier days before l woke up to what was going on – there will be a part of you left after the discard that still can’t quite accept or wants to cast aside the illusion, because the early yarn they spun you lives on inside your head.

De-activating the illusion 

This is where l believe you need to start. Because if you don’t start here, this is the place where they can either re-enter at a later date, or, you will not be able to move on because “they” are somehow “enshrined” and held up high as if against them all others can never make you feel that depth of “love” again.

This is not love. This is trauma bonding. 

If a relationship has been healthy love between two people it will not have devaluation and an ending that heralds the discard. Your understanding as well as your experience with not be “unfathomable” to you either.

In other relationships people may grow in different directions and the early connection is diluted because of that. This is part of life. But it is not dank, it is not toxic. Toxicity leaves behind something that doesn’t feel right, that makes you shudder when recall is experienced.

Discard is version of an ending yes, but not one that echoes of flagrant disregard or care, wherein rendering the other person reeling from disbelief because of such incongruence or true understood closure, or no closure, one has a sense of having been duped. It’s flavour is very different, and it definitely has no feeling of peace about it.

I have heard so many ask me in coaching sessions, “well what do you think he/she is thinking now?" or "what will he/she do next?" or "shall l do this or that?” or, worst of all "will he/she come back? Does he/she still love me?".

Love? No. Return to gain something from you, to take something, maybe yes. Sadly.

I can tell that in the heart of this person they are still invested in the illusion, sometimes even to the point of thinking that it must have been something they did or said. It wasn’t. It was always going to come. The discard that is.

Narcissists are adept at illusion. It is part of their hallmark, and they are very very skilled at this. At the beginning you represent the possibility of a nirvana for them and a belonging,  a paragon, l mention this in other articles. But the minute you punctuate this possibility, the veil of illusion falls down and away from their hope for ideal and they will feel entirely justified in their belief that it is you, who let them down. You will not be able to reason this with them, ever. They might fake remorse or regret, but it is absolutely only about how you might serve them once more until the brink!

The thing is that narcissists are actually so predictable once you are aware of how they play their game to maintain power and uphold their disguise. In fact their fragility is profound because the “lights are on but nobody is actually home”! They only want to burgle yours!

It is others' authentic emotional states and status that they live through.

This whole farce is not what you thought it was. Which is the healthy meeting of two souls to share eventual growing mutual love and belonging with. That exists, please take heart and know that it does. Just not with those who have zero authenticity and zero true care for those they set out to exploit.

When you begin to see, to be aware, to learn, your own radar will awaken and you won’t want to engage with these predatory people because they will no longer be attractive to you, and also you will no longer attract them. Hooray!

This is achieved through working through your own self-esteem issues with an experienced coach or therapist. But it can also begin with reading and listening to  valuable information that is available.

It is a process it doesn’t happen overnight. It is also a choice. Your choice. And so, the work to move beyond the illusion begins, give yourself that gift.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Life Coach Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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London, N8
Written by Gail Berry, Emotional and Relationship Coach
London, N8

Written by Gail Berry Emotional Coach - both a therapist and an alternative medical practitioner who works with healing people’s core wounds and uses Bach Flower Remedies alongside talking and behavioural therapy to make real change and transformation possible.
07771 715072
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