10 tips to truly love yourself

A question I’ve always found powerful to ask my clients is some variation of, “If your friend/partner/child were in a similar situation, would you talk to them like you talk to yourself? Or would you feel about them the way that you feel about yourself?” And about 99% (if not 100%) of the time, the answer is “no”.

I bring this up to show just how hard we are on ourselves. We are the first to recognise the mistakes we’ve made, the flaws we have, our imperfections, and our inconsistencies. Yet, when our partner gains a little weight, or our colleague fails her accountancy exams, it comes easy and effortlessly to treat them with compassion, support, and with love.

We admire people who make mistakes and keep trying. We love people because of their quirks. We don’t question whether or not they’re enough, we simply accept them for who they are.

Why can’t we offer ourselves this same kindness and acceptance?

A large part of this comes down to the fact that we live in a consumerist society that needs us to purchase its products/services and the easiest way for it to convince us to do so is by telling us that we’re not enough. Not pretty enough - wear make-up. Not skinny enough - take these supplements. Not man enough - go to the gym. 

But perhaps more than this, it's the shame we feel about ourselves. This deep sense that we are broken beings that need fixing in order to feel whole. It might have been the way your parents spoke to you, how your siblings teased you or even the comments your teacher made. Repeated often enough, these messages are internalised and become the lens through which we view ourselves in the world.

Signs you don’t believe you’re enough

• You doubt yourself and your worth when you receive negative comments.
• You assume responsibility even when it’s not your fault.
• You believe that you’ll only be happy when you [lose weight/build muscle/earn more money/find a romantic relationship].
• You criticise your body and the way you look.
• You avoid opportunities and people you think are too good for you.
• You believe that everyone else is better than you.
• You assume that people only like you to take advantage of you.
• You don’t think that you can change.
• You seek external validation and have a desire to prove yourself.
• You prioritise other people above your own needs and mental health.

If you relate with any (or all) of the above, don’t worry you’re not alone. In fact, 85% of women have identified with feeling not enough at some stage of their life. Just because you feel this way now, it doesn’t mean that you can’t change. I’ve supported women at their lowest to redefine the relationships they have with themselves so that they can fully show up in this world as their most loving, abundant, authentic selves. 

How to love and accept yourself every day

There's often this idea with therapy or coaching that, in order to make the changes we want to see, we have to overhaul our entire lives. But what I've come to learn over the years of supporting women, is that what matters most is what we do little and often. That the small, daily changes are often far more impactful and sustainable.

Learning to love and accept your messy self is not a quick fix process. Believing that you’re enough just as you are takes time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. So, instead of thinking that you have to do it all, right now, just pick one thing that you can do, one thing that you can sustain as a daily practice until it becomes a habit as ingrained as brushing your teeth.

1. Drink a large glass of water

Sure, I know this sounds silly - how is drinking a glass of water every morning going to make me love myself? Well, yes drinking more water is always a good thing, but it’s more than that. It’s what drinking this water and committing to this action communicates to your subconscious - I am worth being treated with love, I am worthy of this kindness, I am enough. 

2. Practice gratitude

This is something I become more and more passionate about the longer I’ve practised. I can have a really, really crappy day, get into bed and consciously challenge myself to think about what has been special, what I have appreciated or what I’ve learned. This means that I end my day from this place of compassionate awareness instead of feeling sad, anxious, or frustrated. My number one tip on this is to find something new and unique every day.

3. Connect to your values

We all have an inner code that helps us to feel balanced. When our life and day-to-day are aligned with that inner code, we feel at ease with who we are and care less about what other people think of us. A practice of connecting to your values could be through looking at your vision board, having post-it notes in your bedroom or bathroom mirror so you see them when you wake, repeating them throughout the day, or a screensaver on your phone. Anything that helps bring them to the forefront of your mind.

4. Live intentionally

When I live intentionally, I feel better about myself. Why? Because it means that I’m living life according to my rules where I know I am enough. I’m not comparing myself to Sally Blogs next door and worrying about what she’s doing. I’m present, I’m focused and I trust the compass of my intentions to guide me to where I want to be. I feel less distracted by what I think I should be doing and more connected to my purpose. Explore my AAA practice to begin living more intentionally.

5. Affirmations

I know that loving yourself is more than just repeating affirmations but that doesn’t mean that they’re not a valuable act of self-care. Ensure that the affirmations you repeat resonate with you and that there’s a grain of truth that you can connect with.

Repeating "I love myself, I’m amazing" when you don’t feel that to be at all true, can actually make you feel worse about yourself. Instead, explore "I’m learning to love myself more each and every day", "I appreciate my body for all that it does" or "I choose to accept myself, even the parts I find challenging".

6. Journal

Yes, I’m sure you know by now how much I love journaling because it's a simple tool that doesn't require much equipment and doesn't need a lot of time but can help us gain clarity on our thoughts and emotions and shift our energy state.

There’s no right or wrong way when it comes to journalling but if you’re looking for some guidance, when you notice yourself having negative thoughts about your worth, take pen to paper and write those thoughts down. Sometimes that in itself is enough to see your thoughts from a new perspective or you might spend some time challenging those thoughts. This can be hard and I am always here to support you with that!

7. Care for your body

Taking care of your body doesn’t only benefit you physically, but mentally too. How we think about a situation at any given time can be impacted by external factors like how much sleep we’ve had, the food we’ve eaten, the stress we’re under, and the amount of exercise we’ve had. So make sure that you get enough sleep for your body, that you eat a colourful, fresh diet, that you reduce or manage stress and move your body in a way that feels good to you so that you give your brain the best opportunity to respond to life from a healthy place. 

8. Get outside

I’ve always known that getting outside was good for me and it was something that I tried to prioritise but would often get sucked into work or convince myself that the house chores were more important. It was only getting Apollo who needs to get out three times a day that I started to really appreciate the benefits of spending more time outside. I really notice when I don’t get sunshine on my face within the first 30 minutes of waking up and the impact it has on my day. Make a promise to yourself to go outside twice a day regardless of the weather!

9. Meditate

I feel like there’s never a list without meditation but for good reason. Remember, this isn’t about setting unrealistic expectations or setting yourself up to fail. If you know you struggle with meditating or have a busy schedule, commit to just five minutes a day. Everyone - and I mean everyone - has five minutes they can carve out their day. Whether you’re listening to a recording, observing the breath or sitting with birdsong, there’s a practice for you.

10. Let go

Each day, pick one thing to let go of. This could be a material possession that is cluttering your physical space, but over time this could build to letting go of a past mistake you keep beating yourself up over, or a limiting belief you hold about your worthiness. Self-love is intertwined with self-compassion. Give yourself permission to be an imperfect human and let go of unrealistic expectations you hold for yourself. Be OK with who you are, just as you are, and let go of what no longer serves you.

Remember, this is about communicating to your deepest self that you are worthy of love and happiness, that you are more than enough just as you are. Just pick one thing on the list (or create your own) and commit to it daily until you’ve created a habit before moving on to the next. You don’t have to do it all at once. If you're looking for guidance or accountability on your journey to self-love, reach out to see how I can support you.