Why change can feel so difficult

Do you wonder why you can’t make the changes you know you need to?

We all know we should eat less, move more, take up exercise and generally take better care of ourselves – but often we just don’t.

Why is this? Is it because we are lazy, weak-willed and inadequate? Or is there something more subtle going on?

I’m happy to tell you that, yes, there is. Your mind and body have been doing their very best to keep you safe and to keep things just as they are, thank you very much, for all of your life. Given the information available, they have been doing exactly what they believe is right for you.

This approach is known as the Immunity to Change model. It explores why we don't do the things we know we need to do. The good news is that we can discover the excellent reasons why we haven't done them, and that we are not weak or moral failures.

Read on to see why.

Step one: Identify the improvement goal

The first step is to name the issue – your improvement goal.

For example:

• I want to delegate more effectively.
• I want to be a healthier weight.
• I want to get on better with my children.

Step two: Look at what you're currently doing

Next, we look objectively at what we are doing, or not doing, that works against the stated goal.

For example:

• I ask for too many progress reports and don't let my team make day-to-day decisions.
• I eat too much in the evening and don't exercise enough.
• I become cross when my children leave a mess and check what they are doing every day.
• It's important to note that none of this is judgemental and, at this stage, we are not trying to change anything. We are simply investigating and gathering information.

Step three: Imagine doing the opposite

This stage can feel a little uncomfortable.

We are invited to imagine what might happen if we did the opposite of the behaviours identified in step two.

For example:

• "If I don't ask for frequent reports, my team may make mistakes."
• "If I let them make decisions, I will be seen as a weak leader."

Or:

• "If I lose weight, I may become more attractive and have to make difficult decisions about my current relationship."

Step four: Discover your hidden commitments

Next, we uncover the hidden commitments that have been driving those behaviours.

Continuing the same example, these might be:

• I am committed to getting things right every time.
• I am committed to being a good leader.

Step five: Uncover your big assumptions

These hidden commitments then reveal our underlying assumptions about how the world works.

For example:

• I must be perfect.
• I must be strong and never show weakness.

These beliefs often seem so obvious to us that we don't even recognise them as assumptions.

Testing your assumptions

Finally – and this is where the real work begins – we start testing those assumptions against reality.

If we make a mistake, does it really mean we will lose our job?

If we show weakness, will people actually despise us?

A fascinating assumption that emerged during one coaching conversation came from a manager who had worked their way up from the shop floor.

They realised they struggled to delegate because they believed they had to remain loyal to their former workmates. They felt that if they stopped doing the same work, they would somehow be betraying them and their own background.

A different way of looking at change

When we really look at it, we often discover that our minds have been carefully shaping our behaviours to maintain what they believe is safest.

It isn't about moral failure or weakness.

It's about protecting us based on what we've learnt from our past experiences.

For many people, this is a hugely liberating insight, because it offers genuine hope that lasting change is possible.