What triggers the way you feel as an adoptive parent?

Do you know what triggers the way you feel as an adoptive parent? Parenting comparison, whether that means comparing yourself with other parents, your children with other children, or your parenting with the way you were raised, can sometimes bring difficult feelings to the surface.

Perhaps you blame others for the way you’re feeling or the mood that you’re in. Perhaps you think you have rotten luck and believe in fate. Have you ever considered that we make our own life?

I used to believe in fate and what will be will be. This is true to an extentbut only once you have taken action and done your very best at whatever you want to accomplish or achieve. 

We have to take responsibility for our actions and that includes understanding what triggers us.

Understanding your parenting triggers

Let me explain a bit further...

You’re trying to get out of the door in the morning and you’re starting to get the familiar sensation of a tight tummy, a closed throat and you’re wondering for the umpteenth time why the kids are doing what you’ve asked them to do. I’m sure you can relate.

Something at this time is being triggered in you to react this way! When I became aware of this it was eye-opening. 

You see for me, the feelings I was experiencing - that slightly anxious feeling was down to not wanting to be late to school when I was a child. I didn’t want a ‘black mark’ against my name,

When I recognised this and thought through what the worse thing could be that would happen if we were late, it didn’t seem as bad.

We’d have to go to the office instead of straight to the classroom and quite possibly this would be a learning for the kids to hurry along and get to school in time before the gates to the classrooms closed! 

They weren’t bothered to be honest and I thought, why am I? It was a childhood belief carried over to my children which was only causing me angst!

Once you recognise your triggers which can stem from childhood you can question them and ask if they are still right and true today! 

Comparing parenting with your own childhood

Another trigger might be when you’re feeling disrespected by your kids. Because in your day, you didn’t dare disrespect your parents.

‘How dare they’, ‘I’m not standing for this’ may come to mind and before you know it, you’re shouting at them and the atmosphere has turned sour. 

This kind of parenting comparison can happen almost automatically. We compare how our children behave with how we behaved as children, or how we parent today with the parenting we experienced ourselves.

If we stop and question that trigger, it’s down to an expectation that we deserve respect and, yes, it’s important but there is probably something underlying your child’s behaviours. 

And remember the parenting approaches you experienced growing up may not work for your adoptive child. I think in the heat of feeling disrespected this knowledge can go out of the window. 

When we're feeling stressed from life's pressures we can find it harder to think and see clearly. This is also a sign that self-care needs prioritising.

When you compare yourself with other parents

At other times other parents might just not get why your child behaves and reacts the way they do. It’s not their fault they’re just not ‘in the know'’ of early life trauma and a different way of parenting. 

Seeing other families seemingly cope differently can also lead to parenting comparison. But another parent’s circumstances, child and experiences may be very different from your own. Rather than using their parenting as a measure of how well you are doing, it can help to bring your attention back to what you and your child need.

All too often this can get our hackles up but again looking at the situation from a compassionate point of view you can see this for what it is.

It’s all about reframing, tapping into your triggers, because we all have them, and bringing awareness to what those triggers are telling us. The triggers he triggers may relate to beliefs from our own childhood, which would have been a lot different.

The key is to catch our trigger warnings before they can spiral into negative thought patterns which will attract more of the same. 

Take a bird's eye view of your predicament and see what new perspective you see! And if you're struggling to see a different perspective this could be a sign you need to prioritise your self-care. One of my favourites is spending time with a friend! 

Take a look at my self-care tips to lift your mood.

If parenting comparison or old expectations are affecting how you feel, consider what might be sitting behind those reactions. What are you comparing yourself, your child or your parenting with, and is that comparison helpful today?