What new story do you want to write?

The world of coaching is fascinated with stories. We all tell stories. They are an incredibly important part of our narrative for how we document our experience in life. But the stories we tell ourselves also reveal so much about our patterns and habits, and about the limiting beliefs that can block growth and change.

Here are some stories I’ve heard recently:

• “I’m just naturally not a sporty person.”
• “There are no decent single men out there.”
• “People like me don’t start their own businesses.”
• “I’m too old to start a second career.”
• “Leadership is only for very confident people.”

We all know these kinds of stories, and whether we like it or not, we can see how they have an in-built self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces the same beliefs and behaviours. As a result, they stay true stories, but they also close us off to new possibilities.

But I’m not talking about those stories today. I’m talking about the yet unwritten stories that come when we dare to imagine alternative realities for ourselves. It’s the “what if?”, “could I?”, “dare I?” moments. These might bring different possibilities in our work, our relationships, our lifestyles or where we live our lives.

They usually come to us when we are away from our everyday lives; on holidays, out on long walks in the countryside, where we have permission to disconnect from the humdrum and connect to something bigger. Or they drop into our early morning thoughts or late-night musings, when the truth of what we want can catch us unawares in moments of stillness and quiet, or where our anxieties and worries shine a light on our dissatisfactions.

These stories are rarely fully formed plans. Like the ethereal sentiment of dreams, they are fluffy, intangible, made up of half ideas and flashes of inspiration. It’s what makes it hard to share them or write them down, but there is something about them you can’t let go of.

They excite us because, deep down, we know that they represent a part of us that wants to live more fully and alive, and for whatever reason can’t find a voice or a place at the table in this current reality. They show a possibility of us living some aspect of our life in a way that feels much more aligned with who we really are.

They also scare us. I’ve had many clients who have not dared to say what they want out loud because they know that, when they do, something else unravels. If they start to admit that they want something else, there is a reality here today to deal with too. It feels messy, hard, complicated. What are we meant to do with this new admission?

They get quickly dismissed, overshadowed by the distractions of everyday life and work. Or they are rejected by our practical selves, seen as dreaming above our station or abandoning the realistic needs of our everyday lives. When we can’t see how we can actually make them happen, we feel silly that we ever thought them possible.

This is where those other stories come in, with ready-made and well-rehearsed arguments that stop them from growing or being an instigator of change.

The greatest tragedy, in my humble opinion, is the unwritten story that was dying to be told. It saddens me to hear of lost ambition, unacted-on instincts or passions that died before anyone saw their light.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own new story, and how grateful I am for having the courage to dream a new life in Ibiza and then follow through with making it happen. It started out as a seedling that I dared not talk about or believe could be possible for me. I went through all of the usual defences: “Do I deserve it? How will I afford it? Can I do it alone? But I don’t speak Spanish!”

And yet I nurtured and supported it so it could grow and become a reality that, today, gives me a life full of aliveness, contentment and new possibilities.

Top tips for supporting your seedling new stories

Get support

A coach would say that, of course. But I always invest in coaching when I want to make a change. We can’t always fight those stories that hold us back by ourselves. They are deeply ingrained, and we may need to be challenged to get beyond them.

You may also need to be guided to think more expansively when it comes to how you will practically make it happen. Most people think too small, or they miss out on possible solutions, and this can stop or slow progress.

Visualise the shifts

Don’t worry about perfecting the new story. Instead, think more about what you want to be, feel or do differently. It may be that you are fixating on an idea that isn’t going to give you what you need, so doing the foundation work to know what you actually care about is vital.

Journalling can be very helpful for this.

Let in the excitement

We stop ourselves from dreaming for fear of feeling disappointed, but it’s the power of the anticipation of a more aligned life that will propel us into it. Enjoy it. Don’t deny it.

It is by allowing yourself to experience it often that your practical side can start to help you find ways through, rather than shutting change down. I kept my excitement alive by having a special playlist that I played as soon as I started to think about the new story. Find your way of savouring it.

Your new story may start quietly, but with the right support and attention, it can begin to take shape. What story might be waiting for you?