What can NLP tell us about our parenting style?

Our thoughts, language and habits can all influence how we respond to our children. Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) offers one way to reflect on these patterns and consider how they may shape our parenting style.

What is NLP in parenting?

'Neuro' is the thoughts and beliefs we hold about ourselves and our children, those thoughts that sometimes work out OK but may or may not be helpful to us. Those beliefs we have about how good (or not) a parent we are and why our kids are behaving the ways they are. 

The beliefs that feel empowering, we call 'resourceful beliefs' and the ones we wish to goodness we didn't have, we call 'limiting beliefs' sometimes you may have heard them called 'self-limiting beliefs'. 

Noticing these patterns can help us reflect on our parenting style and why we respond in certain ways.

How might your beliefs influence the messages your child receives?

'Linguistic' is how we talk to our children and teens, the words we use that can lift them up and those that can put them down. Tone, language and listening form part of our approach to parenting and communication. Are you focusing on what you'd like to see and hear or are you focusing on what is annoying or upsetting?

When you're tired or frustrated, you may notice your communication changing, especially at the end of a busy day. However, taking some deep breaths and thinking about what you want before telling them makes it much easier for them to know what you want than lots of criticism of what they're doing wrong. 

'Programming' is what happens as a result of those first two; the neuro and linguistic and these can form patterns and habits that can develop over time. Are the results what you want? Are you frustrated with them most of the time? If so, think about what you could do differently. 

Try visualising what you'd like to see, imagine what you want to hear. 

How could NLP relate to your parenting style

Our kids are watching us from the day they were born, learning from us and relying on us to teach them. As their parents and caregivers, we are vitally important and are best placed to show them what we expect by how we behave. It is so important for them to be shown how to behave rather than told one thing yet experience something different. That will be confusing for them. 

In some situations, keeping requests calm, clear and concise may help - speak calmly and clearly show them what you want. Avoid using 'don't...' instead, focus on the desired behaviour for example "Please be kind to each other then I can get on with making supper". 

Use 'when' instead of 'if' to indicate that you expect them to do it, for example, "When you've finished your homework, you'll be able to play that game you enjoy."

NLP in day-to-day communication

It's all about choices. Choose how you express yourself (linguistic) choose a resourceful belief (neuro) and you'll get a great result (programming). Your words and beliefs about your children and about being a parent could be the difference that will make the difference. Make different choices and be open to getting it wrong sometimes - no parenting style or communication approach works perfectly in every situation.