Resolving conflict by creating win-win solutions

Most of us shy away from conflict because we think it is difficult. However, there is nothing inherently difficult about this conversation in itself – it’s that we’re approaching the conversation in the wrong frame of mind and with the wrong tools.

Typically, we approach a conflict conversation defensively, thinking: “I’m right and you’re wrong. I’m going to prove to you that you’re wrong.” We may even think, “I want to win, so I need you to lose.”

But if you approach the situation with this win-lose mindset, you may already have lost. Whoever ‘wins’, the other person may feel resentful. Rather than creating a meaningful victory, you risk creating a future opponent, a resentful future opponent. That is not a victory; it’s a poor outcome.

Conflict often exists where cooperation is needed

What you need is to enter the conversation with a different perspective and work towards an outcome the other person could also accept.

This might sound a little strange because you’re in conflict with that person over the situation. However, many everyday conflicts happen within the context of an ongoing relationship or a need for collaboration. If you had no reason to cooperate with the person, there might be no need to resolve the disagreement together.

Example: You and your partner have completely different views about your next holiday. You only get one holiday a year, and you’re at odds.

However, because you’re in a relationship and both want to go on holiday together, you need to collaborate. If you both value the relationship, the experience of being together may be more important than a particular location or activity. You need to find an outcome that you can both accept.

You could ask: “What would be the best holiday we could take together?”

When you do this, you approach the situation with a shared purpose. It’s a very different place to start.

Example: You and a colleague have a bitter disagreement about how best to work with a client you share.

You both have a larger shared purpose: achieving the company’s mission and securing a good outcome for the client. You have different roles and perspectives, but you also have a shared goal, so you need to cooperate.

You could start the conversation by asking: “How could we manage this client so that they get the best from both of us?”

Whenever you experience conflict with another person, it can be helpful to ask yourself: What is the wider purpose or objective that requires us to collaborate on this issue?

Let that answer guide what you are trying to achieve.

Even then, it’s easy to want to convince the other person that you’re right, get them to do what you want or make sure you speak first.

To guard against this, invite the other person to explain their point of view first:

• Genuinely try to understand what they’re thinking and how they feel.
• Don’t interrupt while they’re speaking.
• Use your body language to show that you’re paying attention, including appropriate eye contact, encouraging gestures and nodding.
• When they finish an idea or pause, check that you have understood by offering a brief summary.
• Try to capture the essence of what they said so they know you understand what is important to them and respect their perspective.
• Ask whether you have understood correctly. If they say no, invite them to explain further.
• Check again. If they’re happy that you understand, acknowledge that their perspective makes sense to them. This does not mean you have to agree with it.

Now it’s your turn to explain your perspective – but not to prove that you’re right and they’re wrong.

You might say: “This is what I think so far, and I’d like to explain it to you. If I have misunderstood something, you can correct me. If not, perhaps it will give you another perspective to consider.”

The structure is:

• “This is what I think.”
• “This is why I think it.”
• “This is what I propose we do about it.”

Then turn the conversation back to the other person and ask what they think about what you’ve said. Allow them to reflect it to you.

By this point, you may understand each other more clearly, although you may still disagree.

This is where the win-win approach comes in

Together, try to develop a solution that is better than what either of you might have created alone. Crucially, you are also trying to help the other person achieve an outcome that works for them.

What could you create together that would be a good result for both of you?

It’s a little like going to the supermarket and buying a selection of ingredients. When you get home, one of you wants to make a roast dinner, and the other wants to make soup. You then collaborate and use the ingredients to create something different from anything you have cooked before.

You might find your new favourite dish.

This collaborative approach works best when both people can participate safely and in good faith. Where conflict involves abuse, intimidation, discrimination or a serious imbalance of power, prioritise safety and consider seeking appropriate professional or organisational support rather than trying to negotiate alone.