How to deal with conflict: 6 ways to handle disagreements

Many of us do as much as we can to avoid conflict, although this isn't always the best choice for ourselves, particularly our personal development.

We could just sit back in our comfort zone and not engage in any kind of disagreement, although that can lead us to continually take the path of least resistance, following those with the loudest voices, and eventually losing sight of our own views, values and what matters to us.

That doesn't sound like a productive way to live or a place to be. Some of us might already feel like we're in this quagmire with no way out. The good news is that there are ways to approach disagreements more constructively, so we can deal with conflict without all the drama or getting stuck in the swamp.

Here are my six tips for facing conflict

1. Embrace discomfort

Although even the thought of conflict can summon all kinds of scenarios in the imagination as to the potential outcomes, with the majority being various levels of negative conclusions, back in the real world the scenarios we imagine may not reflect what actually happens.

There are many lessons that can be learnt from facing up to a disagreement. Having the conversation can allow us to understand the situation more clearly and work towards a resolution where possible.

If we lean into the discomfort of having those uneasy conversations, then we may gradually become more comfortable with navigating disagreements when they arise in the future.

2. The power of active listening

Meet people where they are, and that's not really their physical and geographical location, but the part of their position on which you agree.

Using active listening can significantly aid in this pursuit, as you can sit back and give the other side space to state their case. You can then use this information to help create some understanding, which will help further discussions to try and reach a compromise.

Going in hard with your own argument can quickly put the other side on immediate defence, which is unlikely to cause any flexibility from either side, as you both dig your heels in. Instead of starting in the defensive position, use active listening to identify the most agreeable place to begin the conversation.

3. Challenge your own intentions

When preparing for a conflict, it's always worth taking a moment to step back from all of the emotions that may be attached to the situation.

Ask yourself what your actual objective is for the outcome of the conflict. If your only objective is to win, consider whether that will help you reach the outcome you actually want.

If you're able to find up to three different compromises that you can accept before you even begin having the discussion, then it may be easier to approach things without an all-or-nothing mindset.

4. Communicate clearly

When having discussions with anyone, there are likely to be misunderstandings that can drive further disagreements and also derail the original topic, taking both sides further and further away from the resolution.

Being clear about what you mean – and checking that you've understood the other person – can help prevent misunderstandings from taking the conversation further away from the original issue.

An example from my own past that comes to mind was a conversation I had with my younger brother many years ago where we couldn't agree on a definition and difference between the words “plenty” and “enough”.

Although it wasn't a serious disagreement, it's definitely one we still recall to this day and can laugh at ourselves about it. However, it's an example of how simple misunderstandings like what certain words or terms mean to each party can make conflicts much worse than they need to be.

This ties in strongly with the point about active listening, as it's all about understanding each other.

5. Take responsibility and offer solutions

To lower any tension during a disagreement, it can help to consider whether there is anything in your own actions or communication that you need to take responsibility for. Alongside the other tips, finding an agreeable compromise can be one way of working towards resolving a conflict.

If you've said or written something driven by heightened emotions that isn't reflective of what you would say or write in a calmer state, acknowledging this can be a useful place to start.

If we can accept responsibility for these sorts of actions that may have increased the tensions, and even offer a sincere apology and a potential solution, then this may help create more space for resolving the conflict.

6. Know when to walk away

Wouldn't it be nice if all conflicts could be resolved amicably, but unfortunately that's not the case. It could be that the timing isn't right for one or both parties, or there are other extraneous factors causing a barrier to a resolution.

In these circumstances, particularly if continuing the conflict is taking a significant toll on your wellbeing, then the option of walking away should certainly be given some consideration.

The common advice to “pick your battles” exists for a reason.

Sometimes it's just not worth the fight, either financially, mentally, physically, or for any other reason where the potential sacrifice may be too high. It's vital that walking away isn't seen by ourselves as a personal loss, as sometimes choosing not to continue a conflict can be the right decision for us.

Reframing things in this way can help you keep your head held high, as well as step away from some of the overthinking the conflict may have caused.

If a situation involves abuse, threats or concerns about your safety, the priority should be getting appropriate support rather than trying to resolve the conflict yourself.

Next time you face a conflict, instead of defaulting to a state of avoidance, try using one or more of these tips relevant to your situation. Practising different ways of approaching disagreement may help difficult conversations feel more manageable over time.