6 no-nonsense tips for facing conflict and finding resolution

Only a few “drama queens” love a bit of lively and snappy debate in their lives, but the vast majority of us do as much as we can to avoid conflict, although this isn't always the best choice for ourselves, particularly our personal development.

We could just sit back in our comfort zone and not engage in any kind of disagreement, although that tends to lead us on a path known as a complete walkover, which can cause us to always take the path of least resistance, following those with the loudest voices, and eventually losing our own sense of self, including who we really are, what our values are, and without a clear reason to guide us forwards.

That doesn't sound like a productive way to live or a place to be. Some of us might already feel like we're in this quagmire with no way out. The good news is that there is an escape from this swamp, as well as strategies to avoid it in the first place, so we can deal with conflict effectively without all the drama or getting stuck in the swamp.

Here are my six tips for facing conflict and finding a resolution

1. Embrace discomfort

Although even the thought of conflict can summon all kinds of scenarios in the imagination as to the potential outcomes, with the majority being various levels of negative conclusions, back in the real world this hyperbole is working against us.

There are actually many lessons that can be learnt from facing up to a disagreement. It's almost never as bad as we may imagine and is often over rather quickly because it's human nature to be kind to each other and find a resolution so that we can move on.

If we lean into the discomfort of having those uneasy conversations, then we can build our resilience for future instances, where we can slowly reduce our feelings of discomfort from these situations.

2. The power of active listening

Meet people where they are, and that's not really their physical and geographical location, but the part of their position on which you agree. Using active listening can significantly aid in this pursuit, as you can sit back and give the other side space to state their case. You can then use this information to help create some degree of understanding, which will help further discussions to try and reach a compromise.

Going in hard with your own argument can quickly put the other side on immediate defence, which is unlikely to cause any flexibility from either side, as you both dig your heels in. Instead of starting off in the defensive position, use active listening to identify the most agreeable place to begin the conversation.

3. Challenge your own intentions

When preparing for a conflict, it's always worth taking a moment to step back from all of the emotions that may be attached to the situation.

Ask yourself what your actual objective is for the outcome of the conflict. If it's only to win, then that's likely to cause a longer and more painful disagreement in one way or another, particularly if it causes you to go into a state of avoidance where nothing gets solved.

If you're able to find up to three different compromises that you can accept before you even begin having the discussion, then it'll be much easier to go into things, rather than with an all-or-nothing mindset.

4. Communicate clearly

When having discussions with anyone there are likely to be misunderstandings that can drive further disagreements and also derail the original topic, taking both sides further and further away from the resolution. It's vital that all terms of reference are agreed at the outset, which requires clear communication to ensure that there's no grey areas or muddy waters slowing down the progress of the discussion.

An example from my own past that comes to mind was a conversation I had with my younger brother many years ago where we couldn't agree on a definition and difference between the words “plenty” and “enough”.

Although it wasn't a serious disagreement, it's definitely one we still recall to this day and can laugh at ourselves about it. However, it's an example of how simple misunderstandings like what certain words or terms mean to each party can make conflicts much worse than they need to be.

This ties in strongly with the point about active listening, as it's all about understanding each other.

5. Take responsibility and offer solutions

In order to lower any tension during a disagreement it's crucial that both parties accept responsibility for their contribution to the underlying cause. Alongside the other tips, finding an agreeable compromise is the most effective way out of any conflict, and being willing to be held accountable for our own actions is a great place to start.

It's likely that we've said or written something to the other party which was driven by heightened emotions, but isn't reflective of what we would say or write in a more calm and rational state.

If we can accept responsibility for these sorts of actions that may have increased the tensions, and even offer a sincere apology and a potential solution, then this will significantly improve the potential of resolving the conflict.

6. Know when to walk away

Wouldn't it be nice if all conflicts could be resolved amicably, but unfortunately that's not the case. It could be that the timing isn't right for one or both parties, or there are other extraneous factors causing an uncontrollable barrier to a resolution.

In these circumstances, particularly if it's having a negative effect on one's mental well-being, then the option of walking away should certainly be given some consideration.

The common advice to “Pick your battles” exists for a reason.

Sometimes it's just not worth the fight, either financially, mentally, physically, or for any other reason where the potential sacrifice may be too high. It's vital that walking away isn't seen by ourselves as a personal loss, as it's actually a long-term win in any of the previously mentioned areas of potential sacrifice.

Reframing things in this way can help you keep your head held high, as well as remove any overthinking that the conflict may have caused.

Next time you face a conflict, instead of defaulting to a state of avoidance, try using one or more of these tips relevant to your situation. This will build your resilience for future conflicts.