Courageous conversations: What are they and why do they matter?

We've all been there — on the cusp of saying something, scared about the outcome but compelled to break the silence. Having lived in the UK for five years, if there is one thing I have learnt, it is that we have been indoctrinated into shutting up when we should be speaking up.

A culture of politeness, born of a history where two world wars have hardened our elders and taught them to "Keep calm and carry on." We are the inheritors of this story. While politeness and fortitude served us well once, I am beginning to believe that they are now fraught with pain and struggle.

Let’s discuss a topic we all disagree with: the KKK. I once listened to a podcast where Daryl Davis, a black jazz musician, explained how he started to engage with members of the Klan. He had the conversations we are all too scared to have, and he did so courageously. By courageously, I mean he didn’t shout, get aggressive, or fight. Instead, Davis proactively bared his heart, showing these Klan members his humanity.

Through this approach, he has convinced over 200 Klan members to leave the organisation. He overcame hatred and bigotry by engaging in respectful and real conversations, challenging prejudices through personal interaction and meeting the Klan members eye to eye.

I bring up Daryl Davis because he is just an ordinary person choosing to stand up in the face of something he inherently disagrees with. He had no special training, platform, or following to speak of. He is like you and me. Deep down, we know that if we expect anything to change fundamentally between two people, conflict and avoidance aren’t going to do anything.

How to change the "Keep calm and carry on" cycle

So, how can we change the "Keep calm and carry on" cycle of not actually doing or saying something? Here are a few tips:

1. Understand

Genuinely work on putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. I had some men the other night take two seats and practice speaking from the perspective of the person they are in conflict with or are avoiding. You sit in your seat, you describe everything you feel and then you sit in the other person's seat and do the same. Then you sit in your seat and describe from your perspective what you have learnt. It’s a powerful exercise; you have to put aside your ego and story if you are willing for change to happen.

2. Practice safely

Whether it’s conflict, regret, jealousy, avoidance, or betrayal, you need a space where you can practice bringing it up, knowing that you are safe to do so. Trusted and qualified friends and family members can provide this space. Support groups, coaches, mentors, counsellors, and therapists are other great ways to explore this. It’s challenging to bring it up with the aggressor, and if you’re not careful about the friend or family member you choose, you might find they just tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear.

3. Get real

I like to think about the things we dislike as being 'thorns'. We are very good at describing the whole thorn but generally bad at defining the tip of the thorn. In other words, what is the thing that really hurts, and why? By removing all the superfluous things that make up the thorn and defining the pain, we are better able to understand it and then articulate it.

4. Question your boundaries

People talk about boundaries all the time these days. They are good, but sometimes our boundaries can get in the way. If we are to engage in courageous conversations, we have to be willing to see that we might play a major role in the problem, and our boundaries might make it more difficult to find reason and resolution. In other words, what responsibility do you share in this problem that you aren’t accounting for? Step one will help with this, and you might want to create a percentage share of responsibility before and after doing the exercise and see how it changes.

Courageous conversations are essential for fostering understanding, breaking down barriers, and creating meaningful change. By following these steps, we can move beyond the "Keep calm and carry on" mentality and start engaging in the kind of dialogue that leads to real transformation. So, what is a courageous conversation you tend to avoid? Now is the time to start having it.