Building resilience: 3 ways to respond to life’s challenges

Two people can experience significant difficulties and respond in very different ways. "Jane", for example, may experience a relationship breakdown and find herself withdrawing from life, despite encouragement from her friends.

"Mary", on the other hand, has weathered a divorce, single parenthood, numerous redundancies and the death of a close loved one. She may appear able to keep moving forward, continually meeting challenges head-on. Neither response tells us the whole story about what that person is experiencing or why.

The difference in how people respond is often discussed in terms of ‘resilience’, which might also be likened to our ‘shock absorbers’-that technology in our cars that cushions us from the buffeting and sometimes the crashing as we drive along the road. We probably don’t even know we have them in the car and may not even enquire about them when we buy a new car. They help cushion the impact when the road gets difficult.

The resilience we develop as humans is similar to but different to this form of technology. It is similar in that it can act as a buffer, but it differs in that it is adaptive. A car may need to slam on its brakes, and the shock absorber cushions the impact, but the car will not learn. As humans, our experiences can influence how we respond and adapt when we face challenges in the future.

Ideally, as we experience life, we develop ways of responding to the events that come our way - good and bad. Sometimes, repeated experiences of feeling unable to influence what happens can contribute to patterns sometimes described as learned helplessness. This isn’t simply a lack of resilience, and people’s responses to adversity can be influenced by many different factors.

Resilience isn’t necessarily fixed, and there may be ways to strengthen how we cope with and respond to challenges.

There are three areas that can be useful to consider when thinking about resilience:

1. An ability to accept reality

This is not the same as simply being positive. Optimism can be useful, but resilience may also involve realistically recognising the situation we’re facing rather than relying on the hope that everything will simply work out.

A healthy assessment, coupled with a pragmatic and tenacious response, can help us consider what we can influence and what we may need to adapt to.

2. Having a sense of meaning

Having a sense of meaning - in life in general, but also when navigating difficult and challenging times - can help us think about what matters to us beyond the immediate difficulty.

That doesn’t mean every painful experience needs to have a purpose or lesson. It may simply mean identifying what we want to move towards from where we are now. This can involve planning a route away from a difficult place towards somewhere more comfortable in the future. These plans may be easier to work towards when they are expressed as concrete goals.

3. Using imagination and problem-solving

Imagination can spark ingenuity, improvisation and problem-solving, perhaps by generating as many options as possible and then taking action in short, incremental bursts.

Thinking through possible responses in advance can sometimes make it easier to know what to do when we’re under pressure. Consider the different ways you could respond, the resources available to you and the small actions you could take next.

Seeking help is not the opposite of resilience. Support from other people can be an important resource, particularly when it helps us explore our own options and decide what we want to do next.

Coaching can provide space to explore how you respond to challenges, identify strengths and strategies you’ve used before, consider different options and plan manageable next steps.

We can’t remove every bump from the road, but understanding what helps us adapt may strengthen the ‘shock absorbers’ we draw on when difficult situations arise.