My experience of readying for marriage

Today I celebrate being married to the best person I know, Jessica, for 32 years. As well as being extremely grateful, I want to take some time to reflect on this single most important relationship in my life and some key lessons I’ve learned along the way. 

I moved to London to go to university in October 1983 and, two weeks later, I met Jess. We met at a meeting of a Christian organisation, a student branch of a wider global organisation. This organisation, by all academic criteria, is a cult. I had no idea at the time and ended up being a member for 15 years.

A year later, at one of the meetings, I had an experience. At the time, I interpreted this as a God moment/prophetic insight/revelation and truly believed that one day I’d marry Jess. I now have a very different interpretation of what I experienced back then but it was still a profound experience. 

Over the next four years, I developed a great relationship with Jess - purely platonic - and, for most of that time, we both had “interests” in other people. In the community, there was a strict no dating policy. All young single people were advised to first consider if they were called to be “single for the Lord” or married. We both considered this and “discerned” we were called to marriage.

We went on our first date on November 30th 1988, got engaged on May 25th 1989, and married on December 2nd 1989.

In the community, before starting to date, we were encouraged to think about who would be a suitable partner. We were actually told to make a list! Because of my previous 'God moment' and a somewhat maverick spirit (being a vicar’s son, I’d learned to be an expert at leading a double life and behaving/performing appropriately, depending on the audience), I refused to make a list and told my pastoral leader that I was going to date Jess - because I knew I was going to marry her. Somewhat arrogant but true. 

Jess’ experience was different. She’d been in the community from the age of 14, during which she experienced a number of key characteristics of cult behaviours. It is fair to say that from Jessica’s perspective, aspects of her marriage were arranged. Thankfully, by our first date, we were both hopelessly in love and our marriage was a done deal.

When we got married, truthfully, we barely knew each other and were woefully underprepared for marriage. We were very different: Jess was Catholic, me Anglican; Jess into the arts, me sciences; Jess non-sporty, me really sporty; Jess ENFJ, me ISTP (Myers Briggs); and so on. We saw ourselves as totally complementary, a perfect partnership.

What 32 years of marriage has taught me

32 years on and where are we? We left the community in 1999. I am not a Christian and anti organised religion, albeit open to spirituality. Jess has faith, though does not attend church. We are still processing some of the issues being members of the community caused. 

Our journey has been a real mix of highs and lows, times of closeness and times of distance, arguments and makeups, tears and laughter, professional support and celebrations.

Right now our relationship is stronger than ever. This has come only with a tremendous amount of work from both of us, and the work continues. Communication is key - we talk about everything. 

As a straight, cisgender, white married man I am fully aware of and grateful for my privilege. I can also truthfully say that I have learned more from my wife than anyone else. Jess has the best emotional intelligence and intuition of anyone I know. Thankfully this has rubbed off on me and slowly but surely I have chosen to embrace my emotions and see the value of them, both the nice and nasty ones!

Why I resisted asking for help

I found it difficult to ask for help and know other men who have experienced something similar. I thought I didn’t need it, definitely didn’t want it and kept telling myself I could figure it out and do better. Wrong! 10 years ago, Jess and I got professional support for our marriage and relationship, and guess what, it really helped. Shocker!

This year, I chose to get support myself to have a safe place to offload what’s on my mind. Basically, I pay a professional to listen to me. And it’s great. I know some men will have someone with whom they can do this - a father, brother, uncle, friend - but I don’t. Thankfully, my kids do have me and, of course, Jess to talk to because I have really worked hard on me! Yes, I have worked hard on being a better man, husband, father, son, brother and friend. 

Getting relationship support isn't a weakness

Here’s the thing: Getting help and working on yourself as a man is not weakness. It is absolutely a strength of character to exercise critical thinking about ourselves, figure out where we can do better, work at doing better and get help.

Think about any elite sportsperson these days, they all have a team of experts around them to get the best help to be the best. To be the best version of yourself, seeking appropriate support can be a proactive choice rather than a sign of weakness.

20 years ago, I was better looking, leaner, fitter, faster, and pretty cocky. Today I know I am a better man, husband, dad and friend. It’s involved work and help. There is more work to do and more help needed, but it only gets better. 

Do you have the strength to do the self-work and get the help you're looking for? If any of this resonates please reach out to a coach for a chat. 

The lessons to take away and consider for a strong marriage 

After more than 30 years of marriage, I’ve learned that a strong relationship doesn’t simply happen. It takes ongoing effort from both people, and there may be periods when you feel closer as well as times when you feel more distant.

Communication has been a huge part of our journey. Being able to talk openly, listen to each other and work through difficult periods has helped us understand each other better. I’ve also learned that you don’t have to be the same to build a strong relationship. Jess and I have always had our differences. What matters is how you understand, respect and navigate those differences together.

Sometimes, working on your relationship also means working on yourself. Recognising where you could grow or do things differently can be just as important as looking at what needs to change between you as a couple.