How to overcome fear of the unknown

“Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live.” - Dorothy Thompson

I remember reading this quote somewhere once, and somehow it seems to have just stuck with me in so many aspects of my life. It can be interpreted however you like, but to me, it’s as if to say sometimes the fear we experience before an event can feel more overwhelming than the event itself.

Sometimes, when we begin doing the very thing that once frightened us, we discover that the experience is more manageable or enjoyable than we expected. And even if the fear doesn't disappear completely, we may still be able to embrace the experience for what it is.

Why do we fear things before they happen?

Fear can appear in our lives in both good and bad situations. We can fear the ending of a relationship, with the thought of moving on with our lives without that person. The fear of a job interview, and the thought of not getting the job. The fear of public speaking, and the thought of a crowd of faces staring back at you in anticipation. The ‘meet the parents’ situation when you start up a new relationship and fear the thought of making a good impression and hoping they like you. These are different types of experiences that many of us face throughout our lives, and I’m sure you can think of many more. But notice how in every single one of these statements, both ‘fear’ and ‘thought’ are present.

It’s interesting to find with fear that it’s not always the situation itself in which we experience it. It is found more within the thought process and anticipation that comes before it. This is sometimes described as anticipatory fear, when we feel worried or afraid about something that hasn't happened yet. Don’t get me wrong, there are many situations where fear is experienced in the moment of the situation. I, for example, felt brave enough to walk the horror section of Madame Tussaud’s one day. To say it scared the absolute crap out of me is an understatement! And I can safely say I will not be doing it again. But hey, if I’m deciding to delve into the realm of zombie actors, what did I expect?!

Anyway, my point is, yes, there are things in life in which we experience fear and never wish to experience them again, and I’m sure you have a better example of that than me! However, sometimes the situations we've worried about beforehand turn out to be far more enjoyable or manageable than we imagined. Of course, not every feared experience will have a positive outcome, and some fears can alert us to genuine risks.

When fear feels worse than the experience itself

I did a skydive a few years ago in a beautiful California location. I’d always wanted to do it. It was something I wanted to accomplish so badly in life. A week before the skydive I felt fine. I was really excited, and I had all these thoughts of ‘wow, check me! I’m now adrenaline junkie Kalli, this is great!’ The days got closer and lo and behold, my loyal friend, fear, started to kick in. By the time the day of the skydive arrived, I had what felt like the entire world’s supply of butterflies in my stomach. I hadn’t even set foot on the plane yet and I was already scared. But why?

To cut a long story short, all that fear that I’d built up inside of me was released the second I jumped out of that plane. All that worry I’d put myself through. All that anxiety of just the thought of the skydive. Suddenly, I’m falling through the air. Fearless.

Literally, the best experience of my life, I had feared for days! To put this into perspective, my experience showed me how much of my fear had come from anticipating something unfamiliar. Of course, skydiving involves genuine risks, but for me, the worry leading up to the experience had been greater than the fear I felt once it began. Sometimes our expectations about an event can discourage us from exploring experiences we might otherwise enjoy.

...after fear, lives the best version of you.

Fear and worry are very natural emotions that humans go through. But if fear is stopping you from doing the things you want in life, it may help to explore the thoughts behind that fear and consider whether there are other ways of looking at the situation.

I’m a worrier and I always have been. But not as much as I used to be, because I decided I no longer wanted my mind to trick me out of the things I wanted in life. No matter how scary.

I used to be petrified before I set foot on stage to sing. I’d be given an opportunity to sing, and I wouldn’t take up the offer because the thought of it scared me too much. The way I got over this was to imagine I had a time machine (I know, right? If only?). This ‘time machine’ could move me to a time just after the event I was fearing, and I’d ask myself how I’m feeling at that time. More often than not, my predicted feelings were related to happiness and accomplishment. From that moment on, I learnt to live the life I really wanted for myself.

I began to realise that my anticipated fear was influenced by what I imagined might happen. By questioning those thoughts, I could consider other possible outcomes rather than assuming the worst.

So think now about something you really want to do in life, or need to get through in order to progress your life. Now ask yourself what is holding you back. What thought is causing fear in your mind? Get in your ‘time machine’ and imagine your life after that event. How might you feel if things go well? And if they don't go as planned, what might you learn or do differently next time? Considering a range of realistic outcomes may help you decide whether taking a small step forward feels right for you.

Sometimes, meaningful experiences and opportunities lie beyond the fears that hold us back. That doesn't mean ignoring genuine risks or forcing ourselves into situations we're not ready for. But by approaching manageable fears with curiosity and taking things one step at a time, we may discover new possibilities and build confidence along the way.

“I can feel fear. I can live in fear. But I won’t let fear defeat me.”