What does it really mean to face your fears?

Fear stops us in our tracks. Over and over again. You may not even recognise the feeling you get as “fear” but I’m sure most of us know that sense of hesitation, backing away or just a blank internal “no.” 

Fear can stop you from letting yourself grow, speaking up, asking for help, taking physical risks or letting someone in. It’s usually a combination of past experiences and conditioning and its voice can feel like an absolute truth (“If you do that then this bad thing will happen”).

So, that’s all good on paper. But what can you do about fears that feel like they are controlling your life or even just keeping you stuck in small but frustrating ways? Sometimes, gradually facing a fear can help. At other times, the most helpful response may be to prepare, seek support or recognise that avoiding a genuine danger is the right choice.

But wait, let me tell you what I actually mean by that. Because this language can feel filled with a very toxic energy as if the only option is to grit your teeth and get through stuff. If you’ve read any of my writing before you’ll know that I don’t subscribe to that. As humans, the whole gritting your teeth and clenching your fists process leaves us rigid and can leave us feeling tense and overwhelmed, rather than helping us approach a challenge constructively. So that’s definitely not what I mean.

I think facing your fears is a process. One that is made up of small steps. It is navigated with a huge amount of self-compassion and it starts with what you know about yourself. Here it is:

Self-awareness

What is the fear? Where is it coming from? The first step is to stop that fear howling around in the back of your mind and clarify what is actually activating you. Write it down. Vocalise it to someone you trust. The thing about fear is that it often loses its power when you turn and look at it in this way. It’s like that light projecting onto a hatstand that creates a shadow that looks like a monster. But actually, it’s just a hatstand.

How do you feel it in your body?

Fear is a very tangible emotion - it doesn’t stop at thoughts in the head, you might also feel it throughout your body, whether that’s as a tight chest and fast heartbeat or sweaty palms and a headache. The point of noticing how fear affects you physically is because this gives you another option for navigating it.

Finding ways to feel more settled physically may help you approach a challenging situation. Some people find gentle breathing exercises, movement or - as one of my lovely clients does - dancing helpful. The important thing is to find an approach that feels comfortable and appropriate for you, rather than forcing yourself to feel calm.

Do what scares you

Sometimes we're afraid because we're approaching something unfamiliar. Other times, fear may come from previous experiences, uncertainty or genuine concerns about what could happen.

This is the very definition of something outside your comfort zone - and the only way to bring something into your comfort zone is to get comfortable with it. So, make it a habit to identify what that fear is, and then start thinking about whether approaching it would be helpful, and what small, appropriate steps you might take.

Obviously, that doesn’t mean anything that’s going to recklessly endanger you or others (even if it’s an extreme sport or something really challenging it still doesn’t have to be reckless). The point here is to shift your mindset from “fear means I must retreat” to “fear means get curious about a step forward.”

Get used to the idea of taking calculated risks

If you want to continue expanding through life then risk is going to be a necessary part of that. Often when we sense a risk we pull away and that’s where everything ends. But you don’t have to take this approach to risk. Risk is something that is always going to feel unnerving and uncertain but there are things you can do to manage it, no matter what the activity.

For example, I'm a cold-water swimmer, and I've learned (sometimes the hard way) that it's important to take the risks seriously. Cold-water swimming can involve genuine dangers, including cold shock and hypothermia, and preparation alone cannot remove those risks. Understanding the conditions, following appropriate safety guidance and recognising when not to enter the water are all important considerations.

Risk doesn't have to equal recklessness. Sometimes facing fear means preparing carefully and taking a considered step forward. At other times, it means recognising that a particular risk isn't worth taking.

Open up to the idea of leaps of faith

You know what scares you, you’ve got your nervous system in a comfortable place and you’ve calculated your risks - this is the point with fear where you might need to take a leap of faith. Sometimes it’s the only transport available. You don’t have to try and force yourself to assume a positive outcome - but be open to the fact that the possibility exists for better things than you even hoped. 

The thing about fear is that, while we can't always control how it feels, we may be able to change how we respond to it. Sometimes fear can feel overwhelming, leaving us frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. At other times, we may be able to acknowledge the feeling and still consider our options. With practice, self-awareness and support where needed, it may become easier to make room for other responses too - whether that's planning, asking for help or taking a manageable step forward.

Resilience coaching tools give you more resources for dealing with obstacles like fear, anxiety, overwhelm and burnout. I can work with you on your unique combination of challenges to find a way forward that works for you. Book a free 10-minute intro call to find out more.