How to set boundaries with difficult family members

"I know they are toxic, but they are my family." Sound familiar? It is something that I hear frequently, and it is a source of internal conflict for many people.

That moment when you realise that the people who are meant to have your back, who are supposed to be your biggest cheerleaders, are actually the very people who leave you feeling drained. The moment when you recognise that your nearest and dearest regularly criticise you, make you feel less than worthy, blame you, use you or treat you as their verbal punch bag.

Even the term "toxic people" can be contentious because it implies that the person themselves is toxic, rather than recognising that it is their behaviour that is causing harm. Behaviours can change, although change has to come from the individual themselves.

What do we mean by 'toxic' behaviour?

The term toxic person has become increasingly popular in recent years to describe a pattern of behaviours that repeatedly damage relationships. Personally, I prefer to talk about challenging or unhealthy behaviours, because all of us are capable of behaving in ways that are difficult at times.

None of us is defined by our worst moments. However, when certain behaviours become consistent and leave others feeling anxious, controlled or emotionally drained, they deserve our attention.

These behaviours might include:

• Bitterly complaining, being pessimistic or being negative repeatedly and over time.
• Negatively judging others or themselves to create drama or provoke a response.
• Manipulating situations or people to their own benefit without consideration of consequences.
• Controlling the who, what, when, and where of the relationship so that you feel like a puppet, and they are the puppeteer.
• Blaming others for situations without taking any responsibility for the part they played in it.
• Needing attention, making themselves the centre of attention, demanding attention, and rarely reciprocating it.
• Inconsistent or erratic behaviour: they blow hot, they blow cold, and you have no idea what is coming next.
• You have to walk on eggshells, minding what you say, when and how you say it, and not expressing what is important to you for fear of the response.
• They don't respect boundaries; even when you are clear about them, they have a tendency to ignore them, especially if they want something from you.

How challenging family relationships can affect you

• You feel responsible for fixing the other person's problems.
• You dread seeing them.
• You feel emotionally drained after spending time together.
• Your mood drops whenever you're around them.
• You feel you constantly have to prove yourself or seek their approval.
• Their problems stay with you long after you've left.
• You find it difficult to say "no" because your needs are often ignored.

Setting healthy boundaries with family

Now that we've explored the kinds of behaviours that can be damaging, what can you do if the person displaying them is a member of your own family?

• Consider creating some distance if the relationship is consistently harmful and your wellbeing is being affected.
• Set very clear and concrete boundaries - and keep them in place. You might have to repeat them multiple times before they are heard.
• Don't let boundary-setting turn into fear. If the family member has any ounce of respect, they will not look to threaten you. If they do threaten you, that is even more reason to set clear boundaries and distance yourself even more. 
• Be prepared to call them out on their unacceptable behaviour. Often challenging people are unaware of their behaviours.
• Remember that people with controlling behaviours may struggle to recognise or prioritise other people's needs.
• Try to remain consistent with the boundaries you decide to set. Mixed messages can make it harder to establish healthier patterns.
• Decide what role you want to play in the relationship. Perhaps discuss it with other family members who may also be affected if it is appropriate to do so, and be clear about what part you want to play (if any) in the relationship with the toxic person.
• Once you have decided what part you want to play and the distance you want to create - stick to it no matter what. It will be tough to begin with, but worth the initial effort.
• Remind yourself that you deserve to have equal and healthy relationships and that life is too short to spend it with people who drain you.
• Remind yourself that you are not responsible for other people's happiness.
• Remind yourself that you are not responsible for others' issues (assuming they are adults with no extenuating reasons that would warrant additional support). Their issues are their own in the same way your issues are your own.
• Make yourself less available and remember that 'no' is a response that requires no explanation.
• Expect to be blamed. Use the 'not my circus, not my monkeys'. Do not get caught up in their anger, drama or toxic behaviour.
• Accept the family member for their limitations.
• Start connecting with a wider range of friends who treat you as an equal, encourage a healthy relationship and respect your boundaries. To remind you what a healthy relationship is like.

If the relationship involves abuse, coercive control or you feel unsafe, seeking support from a trusted professional or specialist organisation can be an important first step.

If the guilt creeps in...

Most people feel guilty when they distance themselves or cut ties with family members. Social conditioning teaches us that family is everything, blood is thicker than water, and that you should be ever grateful for your family because they are the people who are always there for you.

When family is mutually respectful, healthy, uplifting and encouraging, then the above is true. When it is not, then social conditioning can leave us feeling guilty for wanting to distance ourselves from family members who have difficult and challenging behaviours.

Accept that you are likely to feel an element of guilt; that shows you have compassion.

Friends are the family we choose 

I have this on a plaque in my home. It helps soften the wound of cutting ties with family members who have toxic behaviours.

When you have come out the other side, re-invented the relationship and begun to see the benefits, you are likely to see just how negative an impact the person had on you.

Given time and perhaps a change of circumstances, a newfound strength on your part, there may be the opportunity to rebuild the relationship on better terms. Quite often people are unaware of the negative impact their behaviour has on others but don't expect it.

You can't change other people unless they want to change. You are responsible for your own happiness, how you lead your life and the decisions you make. 

All of the above is relevant to any relationship that is unhealthy, unequal, disrespectful, difficult, challenging or toxic. In intimate relationships, friendships, acquaintances or work relationships. The above strategies can be used in any of those situations to good effect.

If you fear conflict

Fear of conflict is often a key component in toxic relationships. Seek ways of improving your ability to deal with conflict, as this will help you set clear boundaries, not only with people who might take advantage of your discomfort with conflict but also with those who drain you.

Setting boundaries with family is rarely easy, especially when you've spent years putting other people's needs before your own. But healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, and looking after your own wellbeing isn't selfish, it's an important part of maintaining healthy relationships throughout your life.