The power of open, honest communication in our relationships

How we communicate is pivotal to the health and success of our relationships. In this article, I’m going to focus on how to communicate openly and honestly, and what the effects can be if we are unable to do this. These skills and tips are applicable in all our relationships; however, I am going to talk particularly about our romantic relationships. 

Communication is not just about being able to talk a lot. In fact, you can talk a lot but say nothing at all. It is much more about being able to express discomfort, our needs and emotions, talk about physical intimacy and sex without shame or defensiveness, and importantly, listen to understand and not just to reply. Intimacy and connection can be easier with honest, open communication. But without it, everything seems much harder.

When connection with our partners is strong, we talk more honestly, feel respected, and feel safe enough to say yes and safe enough to say no. When connection is weak, we stop sharing little things, physical intimacy drops, communication becomes short, sharp or surface-level, and we start to feel lonely with our partners. Loneliness inside a relationship can hurt more than loneliness outside one.

Why can communication be so hard?

Communication can be hard for many reasons.

We might:

• be scared of hurting someone’s feelings
• fear awkwardness
• not want to be rejected
• not want to make a fuss
• fear being too much or not enough
• simply not have the language
• have experienced unsafe communication in past relationships

When we avoid conversations, intimacy issues grow, misunderstandings build, and silence becomes the default.

In my coaching practice, I frequently see these 3 destructive communication patterns:

• mind-reading – they should just know 
• hinting – if I just do this, then they’ll get it
• shutdown – it’s easier if I say nothing at all

The presence of these behaviours does not make us a bad partner; it makes us human because communication is a skill, not a personality trait. The good news is that we can learn how to improve communication and change our patterns over time.

Strategies for improving communication

Pick the right time to talk

If we have something important we want to talk to our partner about, avoid starting the conversation when they have just walked through the door from a stressful day at work, when they are about to take your child to an activity, or when we have just woken up, for example.

Be present

If you have been on the receiving end of your partner being distracted when you are talking to them, you will understand what a barrier to effective conversation this can be. So avoid distractions when you are trying to talk. For example, choose a time when children are not around, put your phone down and turn the TV off.

Choose your language

Avoid accusatory language, which can really close down the ability to listen and understand. A communication framework such as the I feel/I need framework is a simple tool which is disarming and powerful. It can be effective in any relationship when you might need to have a difficult conversation.

It has two parts:

• I feel – this is about emotion and not accusation
• I need – being clear, specific and reasonable

So, instead of saying “you never want to spend time with me”, try “I feel a bit disconnected from you at the moment, and I need us to spend some time together this week, so can we arrange something lovely to do?”

Clarity

This gives power and choices, so avoiding mind-reading is important. Silence breeds uncertainty and uncertainty erodes confidence.

Boundaries

Being clear on your boundaries tells others what words and actions you find acceptable. They are a healthy way of keeping ourselves safe. Instead of keeping people away from us, they actually allow people to get closer to us. Boundaries are different to walls, which stop deeper connections from building.

Start as you mean to go on

This is really important in dating, as things rarely change. For instance, if we don’t communicate and avoid saying things at the very start of meeting someone, then that is usually how things carry on.

Small conversations

If you and your partner find communicating openly and honestly challenging, then remember that you don’t need to suddenly become a bold communicator on day one. Starting with smaller conversations can be a really helpful way to improve these skills.

You just need to be 10% braver than before. This isn’t overwhelming and can create momentum and build confidence. So being 10% braver might be saying one sentence you would usually swallow back and keep to yourself, naming one feeling instead of hiding it and asking one question with curiosity instead of fear.

Seek professional help

If communication with your partner is challenging or full of unhealthy conflict, ask a specialist for help improving healthy communication skills and overcoming these challenges.

Communication isn’t about turning our romantic relationships into business meetings. It’s about removing the guesswork so that connection can grow, and as our ability to talk to our partners more effectively improves, so does our confidence. 

Connection, communication and confidence really can shape how we feel with someone and how much of ourselves we bring into our relationship. It’s about understanding what gets in the way, why we shut down and importantly, how things can change and improve.

Open and honest communication has a huge impact on the health and emotional safety of our relationships, by contributing to the other key relationship pillars of authenticity: trust, respect, collaboration and effort. The presence of these allows us to feel safe and be vulnerable, which in turn builds stronger emotional and physical connections with our partners.