How parent-child connection can support self-esteem

When we think about building a child's self-esteem, it's easy to focus on what we should be doing. Should we praise them more? Encourage them to be confident? Step in when they're struggling?

But sometimes, supporting your child's self-esteem isn't about having all the answers. It can start with something simpler: connection.

Feeling heard, accepted and able to talk openly with you can give your child a secure place to explore what's happening in their world. And, as they grow, your role can gradually shift from solving every problem for them to being alongside them while they begin to find their own way forward.

So, how can you nurture that parent-child connection while supporting your child's confidence in themselves?

Make space to listen

When we're worried about our children, our instinct can be to ask questions. Lots of questions.

How was school? What happened? Are you OK? Why did they say that? What are you going to do?

These questions usually come from a place of care, but your child may not always be ready to answer them. Instead, try creating opportunities for conversation without putting pressure on them to talk. Let them know you're interested in their day and that you're there if something is bothering them.

Sometimes connection happens in the quieter moments, like on the journey home, while making dinner or when you're doing something together, rather than during a big conversation.

Be curious before offering solutions

When your child comes to you with a problem, it can be tempting to jump straight into problem-solving mode. But before offering your answer, consider asking for theirs.

• What do you think you could do?
• What options do you have?
• Would you like me to listen or help you think about what to do?
• Is there anything you need from me?

You don't need to leave your child to deal with everything alone. There will naturally be situations where they need your help, guidance or intervention. But when it's appropriate, giving them space to think through a problem can show that you value their ideas and trust their growing ability to make decisions.

Try to understand their perspective

Imagine your child comes home and tells you that someone at school was ‘mean’ to them.

Rather than immediately deciding what happened, you could ask, ‘What happened?’ or ‘How did that make you feel?’ - Your child's interpretation of an experience matters, even when you see things differently. Listening first can help them feel understood and may give you both an opportunity to explore what happened.

You can then help them consider other perspectives without dismissing their own. It's not about convincing them that they're wrong to feel hurt. It's about giving them a safe relationship in which they can explore their thoughts and feelings.

Let them see that you don't have all the answers

Parent-child connection doesn't require you to be a perfect parent.Sometimes saying ‘I'm not sure’ or ‘Let's think about this together’ can be more powerful than immediately offering a solution. As children get older, they will increasingly encounter situations you can't fix for them. Friendships change. School can be challenging. They may experience disappointment, disagreements and uncertainty. Knowing they have someone who will listen without immediately judging or taking over can help keep the lines of communication open.

Notice their strengths without making everything about achievement

Self-esteem isn't only about feeling successful.

Children receive many messages about what they should achieve, how they should behave and how they compare with other people. At home, you can create space to notice qualities that aren't dependent on winning, grades or getting things ‘right’. Perhaps you notice their kindness, curiosity, humour, creativity or persistence. Maybe you simply enjoy spending time with them.

Showing an interest in who your child is, rather than only what they achieve, can be another way of strengthening your connection.

Connection changes as your child grows

The relationship you have with your child won't stay the same forever. A young child may need you to step in and solve problems for them. As they get older, there may be more opportunities to step back, listen and encourage them to develop their own voice.

Supporting independence doesn't mean withdrawing your support. You can still be the person they come back to when something goes wrong, while showing them that you believe in their ability to grow.

There isn't one thing a parent can do to ‘give’ a child self-esteem. But nurturing a relationship where your child feels heard, valued and able to be themselves can provide a foundation from which their confidence can develop.