How to handle difficult conversations at Christmas

Life can feel a little tricky over the next few weeks, with pressures to meet deadlines at work while also being sociable at office parties. Along with this are pressures from family and friends to spend time with them, whichever festivities you celebrate. As pressures increase, they can turn to stress. In times of stress, you may notice how behaviours change and may feel you are dealing with a host of difficult people, both at work and personally.

Of course, it isn’t exactly that people are difficult, but rather their behaviours. We can seek to change their behaviours, but we cannot guarantee it. However, the one behaviour we can change, if we choose to, is our own. Our own behaviour can pre-empt some difficulties arising in the first place, or help us manage and cope with others.

Five common pitfalls when dealing with difficult people and situations

1. Letting it fester

If you’re annoyed or angry with someone, not confronting a problem at a reasonably early stage can allow it to build up out of all proportion. It can leave you feeling debilitated while the other person has no idea anything is wrong.

2. Jumping down someone’s throat

Conversely, reacting instantly in the moment of annoyance or another strong emotion is unlikely to open the way to dialogue. Strong reactions may earn a response in kind, creating a spiral of heightened emotions.

3. Speaking without thinking

Not giving yourself time to think about what you’d ideally like to gain from your conversation is unlikely to achieve a positive outcome. You may say something you’ll later regret that is hard to undo.

4. Pointing the finger

Using derogatory and blaming language won’t help resolve the issue. For example: “You’ve let me down”, “you’re hopeless”, “I can’t trust you with anything” or “don’t you think I’ve got enough on my plate?”

Notice the accusatory language and “you” statements. Not only will this discourage the person from listening further, but they may also become defensive, preventing an honest, open two-way conversation.

5. Saying “you make me feel...”

Even though you may think they are responsible for how you feel, saying “look how bad you’ve made me feel” is handing over your personal power to the other person. It suggests, “You have made me feel this way, and I have no power over my feelings or power to change the way I feel.”

So what can you do instead?

Find a balance between knee-jerk reactions and waiting until it’s too late. Once your emotions are more in control, but you still have the energy to address things, you may want to “sleep on it” to relax a little. This gives you time to think more objectively about the outcome you’d ideally like, what you can realistically expect and what would be acceptable if neither of these is forthcoming. Be proactive, not reactive.

Rather than tell a person only what you do not like, such as “stop pressurising me”, it is better to say what you would like and what you can do. For example, “I’m not able to do this today. I will make time for it tomorrow.”

Use the assertive skill of self-disclosure, taking responsibility for your feelings. For example, “I’m feeling pressured today,” which may be a prelude to refusing and offering an alternative: “so I won’t be able to do that. I will, however, make time tomorrow.” This is more solution-focused than “you’re putting too much pressure on me”. Also, while someone can deny that they are putting pressure on you, they cannot deny how you feel.

Similarly, be clear if you want to say no instead of avoiding it or leaving it until the last minute. Be polite, for example: “Thanks for inviting me. I won’t be able to make Friday, but it would be lovely to meet in the New Year. Let’s arrange something.”

However hard it may seem at the time, try to see the good person behind the difficult behaviour. Focus on their words and actions, and on the facts of the situation, rather than on them personally. People can be difficult deliberately, but they can also be so unintentionally. They may not have the communication skills, or they may have low self-esteem.

Who in your life have you ever found difficult? A boss, a friend, a colleague, a brother, a sister? Parents, children, those in authority like lawyers and consultants, or those with a skill such as car mechanics and builders?

How about you?

Can you ever be difficult? Be open to recognising when you are being “difficult”, since you have the choice and power to change your behaviour.

We all have the potential to communicate assertively, and the season of good cheer is a pertinent time to put it into practice.