Don’t change who you are, change how you think

If you want to be happier, then you need to change who you are - this is the messaging we often get from the world around us.

But the reality is, that most of the things that make us unhappy stem not from who we are, but from how we think. Therefore, if you want to be happier then you need to change how you think.

People-pleasing, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, self-criticism

We can spend years trying to stop doing this stuff. Even when you start to realise that you’re behaving in a way that makes you a people pleaser or is obviously making self-doubt worse, it can be really difficult to see what the alternative is because your habits and perspective on yourself and the world are so tied into that way of thinking.

You may even have a low-key sense that something isn’t right but still find it too hard to do things differently because being a people pleaser is what you know. 

What this looks like in practice

Maybe you’ve noticed you are hard on yourself every time something doesn’t work out, or feel so anxious about saying 'No' (even if you want to) that you can’t do it. Or you just go to pieces at work around people who intimidate you or seem more confident. 

Change seems hard because we see these things as personality problems (“it’s just who I am”). But in reality these are coming, not from who you are, but from the way that you think. 

What are your current problems?

If you were to stop and write these down, on some level your current problems are keeping you stuck because of the way you’re thinking about them. Maybe there is a very tangible real-world problem, such as being unable to find a new job.

You’re going to get a very different result to trying to solve this problem if you approach it with a negative and hopeless mindset than if you have an optimistic and action-driven mindset and can accept failure as just one step in a longer process. Do you see what I mean?

I’m not saying that we don’t have very big, very real problems in life

But the reality is that for most of us the way we are approaching those problems is making them far worse. We fail at something - and then instead of being kind to ourselves about how that feels and then working out how to do things differently, we are hypercritical and feel ashamed.

So, failure becomes a big block - which, in turn, makes us less willing to try again in the future because we don’t want to feel bad again. And we take so much longer to get over this particular failure than if we’d been kind and proactive instead (the definition of self-compassion).

The unconscious element

Many of us struggle with repeating problems and situations in life, and sometimes these experiences can offer useful opportunities to reflect on our thinking and behaviour.

Repetition is draining. Difficult relationships, toxic friendships, financial struggles, being taken for granted, overlooked, rejected or left out... When things like this frequently show up in your life, it can make you feel exhausted, sad, hopeless and desperate.

Of course, not every difficult experience is caused by the way we think or behave. Other people's actions, our circumstances and factors outside our control can all play a part.

However, there may be times when familiar beliefs or behaviours influence the choices we make and how we respond to situations.

Recognising these patterns isn't about blaming yourself for what has happened. It's about exploring whether there are areas where you might have more choice than you previously realised.

I don’t believe that repeating problems are random

I do believe in the power of your unconscious mind to keep sending you down the same path again and again without you even being aware of it. And I know that this is something that you don’t have to put up with going forward - because changing it is what I help my clients to do.

You have this one mad and beautiful life and you deserve to experience all of it in full colour, not behind a screen of anxiety or underneath a layer of negativity. 

Creating a shift in thinking is why my clients come to me

Coaches help people step out of the limits they thought would be there for life. Working together, you can build a tool-kit that can help you successfully change problematic thinking and enjoy the outcomes that stem from having a positive, compassionate, confident mindset instead.