7 ways to handle difficult moments in relationships

Whether they are intimate personal relationships, friendships or relationships with colleagues at work, we are all affected by our relationships with others. So much so that it can be very difficult when relationships break down. Relationship difficulties can affect how we feel, including our confidence and self-esteem.

Each situation is different, and there is no 'one-size-fits-all' solution. With my clients, I use a combination of approaches to suit the individual, and whilst this short article cannot hope to provide all the answers, hopefully these few tips may help along the way.

1. Stop for a moment and focus on something else

The old advice to count to 10 can help in some situations. It gives you a moment of distraction, which stops you from saying something you might regret and allows you to rethink your response. Sometimes a short break is all we need to calm down and deal more effectively with something.

2. Take a deep breath

If you stop and focus on your breath, just a few slow, comfortable breaths can give you something else to focus on and may help you feel more settled before responding.

3. Try taking a different perspective

Easy to say, I know... but when you can feel an argument looming, try looking at things another way. For instance, if your boss shouts at you, it may be easy to think 'he's rude', or that you are somehow in the wrong. However, he could be shouting for a number of reasons... perhaps he's stressed out and having a bad day, or perhaps it is an urgent and important thing that needs doing and shouting is his way of conveying that urgency. Not everyone is a skilful communicator. Taking a different perspective may help you avoid jumping to conclusions and keep you calm. Considering another explanation doesn't mean you have to accept behaviour you find disrespectful; it simply helps you avoid jumping immediately to one conclusion about why it happened.

4. Try not to mind read

Very few of us are able to read minds, but all of us think we can from time to time. Please be honest with yourself. Do you really know what he or she is thinking? Do you really know why they said what they said? Unless they've told you, you can't know for certain. We don't know what is going on in someone else’s mind. Making assumptions is often what makes us unhappy.

For instance, take the scenario that someone doesn't call when they said they would. You have no idea why. However, you immediately go into your usual stuff about that person. Maybe you think 'they don't like me anymore' - which will make you feel bad. Or 'they never do what they promise' or 'they are unreliable' - which may make you feel resentful. Or 'they must have had an accident!' which will make you feel worried. Whatever your story is about them not ringing will affect how you feel and what actions you take as a result. Rather than replacing one assumption with another, remind yourself that you don't yet know why they didn't call.

5. Spend more time focusing on the positive

Try noticing what is good about that person and your relationship with them, as well as the things that are difficult. Also try giving genuine compliments and acknowledging the things you appreciate about them.

6. Apologise when you are in the wrong

Not every disagreement needs to be won. Sometimes protecting the way you communicate with each other matters more than proving a minor point. All relationships are a process of give and take.

7. Be realistic about mistakes

We are often particularly hard on ourselves and our nearest and dearest. It is as if we expect almost superhuman behaviour sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes. Where it feels appropriate, forgiveness - of yourself or someone else - may help you move forward.