How assertiveness can help at home and work

Do you need calm to be able to work well from home? Are you struggling with your personal relationships? Do you want to better express your needs with friends, family, your partner and colleagues?

Changes in how we live and work can bring challenges, both practically and in our personal relationships. Perhaps you have discovered that you fare well working from home without the pressure of travelling to work, gaining extra time for yourself and with those you live with.

Alternatively, do you find that financial strains, uncertainty or being in close proximity to those you live with for much of the day has triggered frustrations, stress and interpersonal difficulties?

So how can you deal with these situations assertively, rather than passively enduring them or aggressively combatting them and exacerbating tensions?

What is assertiveness?

In short, assertiveness is a way of behaving and communicating that shows self-respect and respect for others. You can recognise and express clearly and courteously your needs, feelings and opinions without trampling on the needs, feelings and opinions of others.

It incorporates skills and strategies, and the principle of “win-win”, rather than “I win, you lose” or “you win, I lose”.

How can it help?

Assertive approaches can be helpful in diverse situations, such as:

• Expressing what you want and saying no to what you don’t want.
• Setting boundaries to enable you to work from home or have time for yourself.
• Listening to others and being empathetic, not dismissive.
• Coping with criticism and put-downs when things get difficult.
• Managing and defusing anger and frustration, your own and others'.

Assertiveness with yourself

Take five or 10 minutes each day to think about what you want from that day, what you will do for yourself and what you need from others. This can help you be as productive as possible, knowing you won’t be interrupted while working or prevented from taking time out, such as for exercise or rest.

Assertiveness with others

Ask for what you want and agree on boundaries

Make your needs known, listen to the needs of others and work to find compromise. If you’re home working, convey clearly what will help you work effectively, such as keeping the door closed, keeping the TV down or not coming into the room at certain times.

Check with others what they need too, so you can fit together the jigsaw of timing for talking, eating and other things that need doing. Agreeing on clear boundaries is an important way to prevent later disagreements.

Say no and set boundaries

If you’re working and friends or family are not, then clarifying your timing and refusing intrusions on your time is vital for concentration. It may be hard for others to understand, especially if they want connection or support.

Maybe people at home come into the room when you’re on the phone or video conferencing. Remind people that you are at work in the same way you were working before; only your location is different. Let them know both when you aren’t available and when you are free to speak.

Be a great listener

“You’re not listening” is a common accusation, yet listening is key to preventing conflict and building good relationships. Do your best to give time to listen and show understanding, rather than making assumptions or telling others how they should or shouldn’t feel.

Also encourage others to listen to you by checking when it’s a good time to talk, asking them to hear you to the end and then inviting their thoughts.

Respond to criticism and put-downs

When tensions and stresses build, you may find yourself on the receiving end of criticism about what you do or don’t do. “You’re spending more time on work than you did before” can descend into personal put-downs such as: “You don’t care about us. It’s all about your work. You’re so selfish.”

Avoid sudden, dismissive reactions and listen. Find out what others want and see where you can all compromise. Explain the requirements of your work and what you need from others, and meet their needs where you reasonably can. Setting boundaries in advance can pre-empt such friction.

Manage your anger

Under pressure and stress, you may feel anger welling up about the general situation, towards those you know or in everyday frustrations. Angry knee-jerk reactions, talking fast and loudly, can only serve to raise the temperature.

It is often better to find other outlets for strong feelings, like a fast walk or run, or taking time alone to cool down. Think most importantly about what you want to gain from a situation.

If the children drop things all over the place and you’ve got to work, ask them kindly for what you want. It’s more effective than an explosion. For example: “I know it isn’t easy being at home so much” (empathy). “I also have to work, and I’d be so pleased if you could keep the place tidy” (request).

Respond to others’ anger

One of the commonest reactions is to tell someone to “calm down”, yet it may be the worst trigger of all since it can feel like it denies the other person’s feelings. Allow them to vent a little, though if it gets too much, you may want to withdraw, telling them you’re stepping out and will talk at a later time.

Try to find out what they want that will alleviate that anger. It may be a general anger not directed at you, though it feels that way. They may simply want an ear. Or do they want you to do something differently? See where you can find common ground in disagreement and mutually acceptable solutions.

In summary

The one behaviour you can definitely change, if you choose to, is your own. You can ask others to change theirs, though you cannot guarantee it. The above offers some tools and strategies to help you communicate more assertively, set boundaries and manage tension with greater clarity.