Always look on the bright side of life?

If you’re not whistling right now, I’m disappointed in you. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you need to search for my title and find out why you should be whistling. It’s a silly song, but I like the premise, so let’s go with it.

I was recently in a session with a client, and I was congratulating them on how positive they were being that day. It was a real improvement on previous sessions, but the response was something along the lines of: ‘Well, yes, but there will always be something else.’

In other words, I may be in a good mood right now, but something else will always come along to bring me down.

This can be an example of getting caught in a pattern of negative thinking. It’s an all-too-easy pattern to fall into, and many of us do it without really realising it.

Habits and thought patterns can become automatic. We don’t always make a conscious decision to follow them; we simply find ourselves doing it. We all have familiar behaviours, whether that is nail-biting, foot-tapping or something else we do while concentrating or being absent-minded.

Negative thinking can become familiar in much the same way. Once a pattern feels automatic, it can be harder to change. Noticing it is a useful first step. We can begin by recognising what is happening and then consider whether there is another way to respond.

The potential benefits of changing an unhelpful pattern of thinking may seem obvious. It could help you feel happier, right?

I’m not saying you have to become a mindless optimist. Painful, upsetting and unfair things happen, and it is important to acknowledge how they affect us. Trying to force positivity during a genuinely difficult experience can be unhelpful.

However, in ordinary day-to-day situations, what would happen if we made a conscious effort to question some of our more negative thoughts and consider a different perspective?

You may begin to change your outlook with a little effort. You might feel happier in yourself and more at ease with the people around you. Perhaps you’ll smile at a few more strangers, and maybe your smile will brighten someone’s day. It sounds horrendously cheesy, but small interactions can make a difference.

Practising acceptance

Let’s take the principle of acceptance.

Imagine that you’re driving to work or to something important for which you do not want to be late, but you’re stuck in a huge traffic jam. You can’t get out of it, so you’re going to have to sit it out until the traffic begins moving.

You have a choice about how you respond. You could become stressed about being late and frustrated about being stuck. You might grip the steering wheel, repeatedly check the time and become increasingly furious. By the time you reach your destination, you could be distracted from whatever you are there to do and carry that frustration into the rest of your day.

What’s the other choice? Acceptance.

You’re in the traffic jam. Can you magically make the other cars disappear? Probably not. Can you transport yourself somewhere else? Again, I’m assuming not.

There may be practical things you can do, such as letting someone know you are delayed or safely checking whether another route is available. Beyond that, you may need to accept the situation for what it is.

The traffic jam is frustrating, but how you respond can either add to or reduce the distress you experience. Instead of allowing it to dominate your day, try practising acceptance. Put on the radio, listen to something you enjoy and wait for the traffic to move.

Becoming annoyed won’t clear the road. Worrying about when you’re going to arrive won’t get you there any faster.

When you do arrive, you may feel calmer and more able to focus on what you are there to do. You can put the traffic jam behind you instead of seething about it all day.

Which option sounds more inviting to you?

Easier said than done?

I know some people will look at me and say: ‘That’s easier said than done.’

Yes, it is. Changing long-established patterns of thinking can be really difficult, but that doesn’t mean change is impossible.

We can start by listening to how we speak to ourselves and becoming curious about what we hear. Is the thought accurate? Is it helpful? Is there another way to look at the situation?

We cannot control every thought that enters our head or prevent ourselves from experiencing difficult emotions. We may, however, be able to choose how much attention we give a thought and what we do next.

It has taken me years to recognise and manage some of my own negative thinking patterns. It takes awareness, patience and practice. If you commit to making the effort, you are committing to making a difference in your own life.

There are plenty of things we have no control over, but we may have some influence over how we respond to them.

The next time you catch yourself thinking like my client, could you pause and consider another perspective? If there will always be something difficult to think about, might there also be something positive or reassuring that deserves your attention?

Begin with gratitude

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start when changing a negative thought into something more helpful. On paper it sounds easy, but in practice it takes... well, practice!

Here’s a little tip for getting yourself onto a more positive track: start with gratitude.

Every morning when you wake up, or every night before you fall asleep, think of five things you are grateful for. They can be things that have already happened or things you are looking forward to.

This is usually where people say they can’t think of five things. Remember, they don’t have to be big things.

You can appreciate the small things: your morning tea or coffee, that tasty sandwich you had for lunch, food in your fridge or someone who made you laugh. You might appreciate having work, even if you don’t love every part of it, or simply having made it through a difficult day.

Do you see? Once you start, it can become easier to notice things you appreciate.

A gratitude practice will not remove every difficulty or prevent negative thoughts, but it may help you give more attention to positive parts of your life that can otherwise go unnoticed.

Starting or ending your day with gratitude can become a habit you consciously work to develop. With time and repetition, it may begin to feel more natural.

Just give it a go. Nothing to lose, no?