New relationship? Let the story unfold - don't write it first

You see a photo (we're talking apps here). You like it, they like yours back. It's a match! Some text dialogue starts and then this moves to a conversation, then a video call, or something along those lines. So here you are, he/she finds you alluring and you feel the same. You are excited.

Often this can happen with a woman and takes place if she has an insecure attachment. And a lot of women do.

You become mentally taken up with the excitement, and because of scarcity (pretty much like having been at sea for too long... "land ahoy") here you are seduced by the thought that he might be "the one" especially when the man is saying all the right things. This feels good and feels like the promise.

Now, far be it from be to have become sufficiently jaundiced by the vile, more often than not disappointments of online and app dating, to decry the glorious possibilities of potential for real romance, and yes there is a 'but' and a 'however' coming... but romantic daydreaming is at this stage a "story". Being beguiled by it, however, is actually where you can become emotionally unstuck by "the story". This is what l mean by this.

So before you get to the story in your head. Stop. Yes, take a breath here.

Don't write the story

Instead of taking this initial frisson and thinking about all this could be, it feels so right stuff, don't write the story.

It's normal to want the story. The potential of belonging and connection that might lead somewhere wonderful.

Wanting the love story, that is; we want it to happen and any shred of potential offered to us and we go zooming off into our own imagined sunset. This is why we can so quickly feel so hurt and disappointed, when the guy turns out - excuse me here - to be a flake, polite word found! Phew.

In the story, you are aghast at how low and how sad you can actually feel about someone you just met! Or even before you met. If he then changes the energy and isn't in touch so much, you are already panicking and watching your phone like a hawk, and you end up feeling triggered and awful, here's why.

This, the story, has nothing to do with reality. It has, however, everything to do with mindset and having your hope ignited, and then vapourised.

The visceral thrill of being chosen, potentially being part of a couple, dashed before you even got to walk out the door and jump into an Uber to meet!

We want to be seen, heard, known and understood to find the love of our lives. I think this is very primal - this longing to belong. But don't end up feeling like yet another potential person of your dreams turned out to be another disappointment because you rushed ahead into your own story about them based on what is just a mutual attraction and you have no idea who they are or what their agenda is. You need to invest in what you know, not what you wish for.

What to do instead

The key here is to slow the story down. Ok, give it a heading.

Met nice guy/girl. Then stop, and focus on your life the value of what you have, your pets, your health, your children, your family your friends, and your work.

Shift the focus. Because you do not yet know this person.

Let their value be about how they are, and not about how you want them to be. And not just based on attraction l have another article on attention or intention to refer to which takes a deeper dive into what the difference really is and the clues.

If you both connect, sure be happy but about the experience. This is yet to be an indication of what you "have together". It is just an experience. Yet to be defined by having more experiences that add up to something.

You can't make a cake without all the necessary ingredients.

Take things slowly, and remember that part of the necessary ingredients, an important part, is the compatibility of them. How you work together.

To go long-term there has to be something that works day to day. Otherwise, you can find yourself in the how are we compatible stage, having invested so much in the relationship through "the story" that you don't or can't conclude that for whatever reason... different likes, desires, ambitions, tastes that don't seem to be working.

When he's into health, early mornings and running and you're into nights out and socialising, you like modern and minimal and he is fascinated by antiques or whatever, but more significantly you have very different ways of communicating and your interests and comfort zones and not on the same page.

When your values also are light years away from his. There is no who is right or wrong here, you just begin to discover you are not on the same page a lot together, and you are going along with ignoring this because you have built up this huge story around him.

Day to day this slowly comes apart.

Of course, you can genuinely "grow" in mutuality together, learn and lean towards each other too, and in a relationship with real long-term potential, this can be a joy and also expand who you are. But compatibility that truly works will be the key factor that takes you ultimately to belonging and being a couple, and marriage if that is what you both want.

In this article, what l am trying to help you watch out for is investing in someone emotionally through "the story" you create through the rush of desire rather than waiting, going slow, and being in the "unfolding".

Romance is a beautiful and magical thing and it can so exist between two people and if it's "meant to be", sometimes against all the odds. But best to slow down rather than rush in, and protect your precious heart.