Living with consequences

What and who works for you in your relationships... Living with the consequences... Sounds rather scary doesn’t it?

If we have made good decisions, gone in the right direction, and have learned to trust our gut along the way, consequences are mostly termed as results that benefit us.

But what if you didn’t, or you couldn’t, act in a way that turned out right for you? 

What if you were inexperienced, too scared, naive, or too young to know, to have thought things through or even been aware of the wisdom of thinking things through... where there was no knowledge or you were not well informed enough? What if you thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, you reacted, or you were triggered by circumstance(s) and you couldn’t weigh things up or see down the line?

Then the consequences have an entirely different ring to them. Then we can’t go back in time, change a thing or put a wiser head on the shoulders that didn’t know better at the time.

Choice plays a huge part in this, but if we were never taught or shown, or made to think “down” the line, then truly how can we expect or be expected to employ discernment and the careful thinking required to think things through when it comes to the choices we made and continue to make that are laced in a wisdom not yet garnered?

Ultimately, once we become adults we are faced with choices that we have to make to move through the circumstances and situations that life throws at us, and also the people we choose to share our journey with.

When you are a parent your choices affect young lives too as well as your own.

In the middle of this whole Post Office scandal, look at the tragic consequences that occurred through some pretty self-serving people whose choices resulted in consequences that not only ruined lives but also took them. Not to mention the government both in that situation and now pre and post-pandemic. Need l say more. 

Our choices have consequences not only for ourselves but also for other innocent parties.

If l look back now on and over the choices l made and the consequences that ensued, many of them were rash. Many of them were influenced by my lack of self-knowledge, understanding and low self-esteem. If l am honest here, as well as there being nobody to ask, or maybe even being aware that l should ask or could ask because now l see that there wasn’t anyone looking out for me. I was pretty much “rowing my own canoe” from very early on in my life. I think this is true of many people whose early caregivers were either too busy or who didn’t know any better because they were just winging it themselves.

So, here are things to take into consideration when faced with all different kinds of choices. Things to help you make better decisions and choices that you don’t regret.

Consequences, regret, these words have a heavy ring to them. Here we are aiming for better outcomes and less or no regrets.

In our relationships, it is wise to both consider and find out what kind of person you are. What is your attachment style? This will affect what kind of people you feel the most comfortable with for a start, as well as the how and the why you go about things.

Picking your friends, your partners, the fields you work in, and your career paths are far more likely to be better, happier choices when you have a much clearer sense of who you are.

Your attachment style is highly relevant here, so l am going to give you a simple outline of each to see which one you identify with the most.

Anxiously attachment:

• like belonging
• reassurance
• being close
• being in touch
• tend to do lots of fixing in their relationships both friendship working and romantic
• assume blame in controversy
• physically affectionate
• pleasers
• helpful 

Dismissive attachment:

• like space
• need space
• shy away from expectations
• great socially but not so comfortable in emotional situations
• can seem distant and detached
• more comfortable alone
• prefer their own company
• independent
• fear vulnerability 

Fearful avoidant attachment:

• question a lot
• trust issues
• find it hard to accept compliments
• always checking
• similar to dismissive but bigger trust issues
• suspicious 

Secure attachment:

• easy going
• accepting
• take things much more generally
• if there is a problem assume it is separate from them
• don’t assume they are lacking
• healthy self-esteem.

Let’s shorten the terms here, if you are AA you do best with SAs.

DAs and FAs cause big relationship problems because you are both coming from opposite ends of an emotional spectrum and your comfort zones and absolutely not the same.

The same goes for DAs and FAs they are better with SAs too, because SAs are far less emotionally threatened or challenged by their consummate need for “space” and independence.

Sadly though the irony is, that whatever our attachment style is apart from SAs we are usually attracted to the one that drives us crazy and gives us the most difficulty, usually unless we are either taught or know better through self-education we also usually assume that it is “they” who have the problem, and if only “they” would change or be changed.

This can result in years, decades even, of believing problems would just melt away if the solution was owned by the other party. This rarely works because mostly so many of us aren’t even aware of who and how we are and who works best and better realistically with and for us.

I spent years trying to “fix” or change those l chose to be close to, marry even, that didn’t speak my emotional language any more than l spoke theirs!

So much heartache can be entirely avoided when we become aware not only of our own style of relating but also those of others. This is because amongst other things we take things far less personally when we realise and can identify what actually are the issues and difficulties of other people, we begin to allow and understand so much more.

If you are going to be picking partners who don’t self reflect, or have a tough time exhibiting empathy, this is going to spell long-term trouble also that is a huge red flag waving in the wind... you’re enlightening or fixing or making do, or swallowing your own truth when imparity becomes a daily event will for sure cause you emotional pain, trigger historical wounding and also more than likely cause you physical problems too. 

Taking time, and being in your own rhythm with your personal decisions and choices, this is has a great better outcome.

Think what it will be like down the line and a few years from now.

Do you share values, do the same or similar things excite you, can you celebrate your mutual differences? Different decades in life hold different opportunities. You will need someone on your side, someone you can be yourself with, who celebrates who you are.

Consider kindness over everything because ultimately that is what will take you to the finishing line. Talk things through with someone wise, not impetuous. Have the courage to say no. As well as the courage to say yes when the occasion arises. Celebrate and discover how to live authentically. Authenticity will always be your best and true and most treasured compass.

Learn how to recognise envy. Most especially when it is dressed up as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Those who have issues with you usually have their own issues. Don’t be a scapegoat for blame from others who externalise their own inadequacy because they abdicate responsibility for their own issues and call them yours.

Don’t stay moored in corrupt harbours. They are not healthy or safe places to grow in.

In summary, you will always be the one who will have to live with your choices and their consequences. “Mend and make do” might work as a short-term solution, but taking and giving yourself time to make choices that are truly right for you will always win and be part of a better future for you and actually all concerned.