How to find out if you have a narcissist in your life      

Narcissists are masters of getting under someone’s skin, taking over their mind and controlling their emotions. If you are the victim of narcissistic abuse, you will lose yourself.

Spot your narcissist earlier rather than later

Narcissists operate very subtly and often the discovery of narcissistic abuse happens when victims are already knee-deep into the situation. Being under the 'spell' of a narcissist, be it in a romantic, family or friendship relationship will always lead to loss of confidence, independent thinking and fear. As one victim said: 'I don't know who I am anymore. I am confused and even think that I am going mad. I have never felt this lost in all my life and I can't really understand how I got to this place.'

Me me me

People with narcissistic personality disorder are focused on themselves. They believe they are special, entitled, manipulative, cold and always right. Their main aim is to get their need for attention and admiration met. This need is called Narcissistic Supply and is like an addiction: they will do anything to get that Supply. In the process, they abuse others and apply sometimes cruel and nasty behaviour. 

The victim suffers, the narcissist thrives

Narcissists don’t suffer from their condition. They are pretty content as long as they get their Narcissistic Supply. They are clever manipulators, love undermining someone’s confidence and have no issue with lying and cheating. Because of their lack of empathy and emotional awareness, they often make others suffer. They don’t care and don’t feel remorse or guilt. They only care about their addiction. 

In my coaching practice I meet more and more clients who are the victim of narcissistic abuse. It has taught me how important it is to recognise a narcissist and also, the earlier the better. 

Would you like to check if you have a narcissist in your life? Answer the questions below, while taking someone in mind who you suspect is your narcissist (MN - My Narcissist).

1. I am being constantly critisised by MN

Yes / No

2. I walk on egg shells when MN is around

Yes / No

3. We always only talk about MN and their issues

Yes / No

4. I don't feel secure in the presence of MN

Yes / No

5. When we discuss something MN always comes out as the winner

Yes / No

6. I have noticed that MN lies to me as well as to others

Yes / No

7. I am putting an effort in to keep MN happy

Yes / No

8. I can't discuss my feelings with MN

Yes / No

9. MN can be very cold and calculating

Yes / No

10. MN and I disagree often about a series of events

Yes / No

When you have scored two or more times yes, you might be in an abusive situation.

Which five actions to take to keep yourself safe and sane

1. Narcissists are notorious liars and they use lying and twisting to confuse you. Make notes of situations to keep track of the facts, so you can check what really happened and feel more secure in yourself.

2. Don’t share anything personal with them, as this will make you vulnerable. They may use your personal information to hurt you immediately or at a later stage. 

3. Be emotionally detached. It’s called ‘gray rocking’. It might require some getting used to and it might feel very unnatural but it will keep the distance.

4. My bestselling self-help book ‘From Victim to Victor – Narcissism Survival Guide’ (Amazon) offers an extended checklist to help you recognise how you are affected by your narcissist and a range of tools and techniques to take control back in your life. 

5. Find a life coach, who can guide you through this process. You don’t have to travel your journey alone.