Why dont self-help books work?

OK, maybe that’s a little unfair. Self-help books can introduce us to useful ideas, exercises and different ways of approaching change. But why is it that sometimes we read them, try what they suggest and still find ourselves looking for another answer?

Most people have read at least one self-help book in their lives, and many of us have tried out exercises and diaries that they suggest. Quite a few of us might have shifted things around or felt better for a few days. So often, though, I have clients walking through my door telling me they have read lots of books and they feel as though they have ‘tried everything’, but nothing has quite worked.

In theory, you might expect them to work - the positive intention is there, the commitment is there. After all, you have sought out the book in the first place, paid good money for it and taken the time to read it, and possibly spent several hours or even days doing what you think it asks you to do. So why might you find yourself back looking for a different book next month?

I’m all for self-investment, and I think it is great to read about the different ways that people approach change and problem-solving. However, therein lies the nub of it. This is their way of doing it, and it may not necessarily be yours.

In my early 20s, I once spent months re-reading the same book on ‘how to mend a broken heart’. A year later, I still felt the same way. Since training, I have become familiar with some of the techniques described and can see how they may be useful in the right circumstances. So why didn't following them in a book help me at the time?

I have pondered this and have two theories as to why a self-help book might not always give you what you need, even if, in black and white, the advice looks as though it should be useful.

1. A book can't personalise its advice to you

The language style that the book is written in will not change. It will be the same if it is read by a 40-year-old rugby player as it will if read by an 18-year-old chef.

A book has to speak to many different readers, so its examples, exercises and language will not necessarily fit your circumstances, personality or the particular issue you are trying to work through.

The way we describe our experiences, feelings and problems can be very personal. We may also have particular thoughts or phrases that we repeat when thinking about an issue, which can influence the way we continue to look at it.

A coach can respond to what you actually say, ask follow-up questions and adapt the conversation as your thinking develops. An exercise that appears in a book can therefore be explored in a way that is more relevant to you and the way you perceive the issue.

2. It can be difficult to see your own situation differently

Secondly, although the book serves as another voice of sorts, when we are trying to solve our own problems, we often represent them in the way we have always seen them.

When we're very close to a problem, we may naturally keep looking at it from the same perspective. This can result in missing relevant factors or simply not noticing them when we are putting the matter on the table.

We may not ask ourselves pertinent or tricky questions that we might never have thought of or wanted to face - sometimes for the obvious reason that we have never even imagined them!

As we are in the issue, it can be difficult, especially when dealing with something that we have thus far been unable to solve, to have an outside perspective and see the whole picture.

This is where conversation can offer something a book cannot. A coach can listen to what you're saying, reflect things, ask questions and give you space to notice connections or possibilities you may not have considered on your own.

Many times a client will ask me how I know something about them or their situation. I’ll tell them, quite simply, that it is because they have told me. Sometimes we don't immediately notice things within our own answers because our attention has been focused elsewhere.

Having that sounding board, feedback, and a non-judgemental outside perspective can provide another way of exploring something you've been struggling to work through alone.

Making self-help more personal

In short, self-help books can be great for widening our perspective and introducing us to different people's ideas and approaches. But general advice will not necessarily fit every person or situation in the same way.

If you feel you have a book or exercise that ‘should’ work but doesn’t, try making it more relevant to you. Rewrite the questions in language that feels natural, consider how the ideas apply to your own circumstances and decide which parts are actually useful.

If you would like more personalised support, you might also consider working with a coach you feel comfortable with. You can ask them to give you exercises or tasks to explore between sessions too.

Self-help books and coaching don't have to be alternatives. A book can introduce new ideas and exercises, while coaching can give you space to explore how those ideas apply specifically to you. This way, you may be able to get the best of both worlds.