Why do I find it so hard to be assertive?

I have been asked this question so many times, both in training and in coaching assertiveness. It’s a question on people’s minds, regardless of age, whether 20 or 70. It’s also, perhaps surprisingly, a question asked by people in wide-ranging careers and stages of life, professional and non-professional. My clients have included accountants, barristers, consultants, dental practitioners, GPs, journalists, psychologists, students, and so many more.

Fears that make being assertive difficult

Here are three main reasons why people find it hard to be assertive. See which you identify with.

1. Fear of being disliked

This is one of the most common. “If I ask someone to do something, if I ask for help, if I say no to someone’s invitation or their request for help, will they dislike me?”

This is making an assumption. You may even find that when you ask someone to help you, for example, they even reply, “I wish you’d asked me before. I’d be happy to help.”

The fear could stem from a past experience, such as someone getting angry because you said no to them. It could even stem from a very early experience, such as a parent or teacher getting annoyed with you because of something you asked for or refused to do, or it could be due to cultural expectations around behaviour. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where you were always taught to be "nice" and that expressing feelings was not acceptable. Therefore, if you assert yourself, you may have an expectation that people won’t like you.

2. Fear of sounding 'stupid'

You could find it hard to speak up, to express your opinions, personally and professionally, such as in work meetings. Perhaps others will think your point of view ‘stupid’, put you down and deride your viewpoint, even laugh at you. It can feel easier to sit back and let others do the talking, even though you have something important to say. This then becomes a pattern, and it becomes harder and harder to contribute your thoughts and ideas. This can also apply to being with family, friends or a partner. 

You may also have had a negative experience, such as telling someone how you feel, and they reply unhelpfully: “You’ve no need to feel that way”. Does it then feel pointless to express feelings? Or if you’ve made what you feel is an important point at a meeting, which draws a response of: “I totally disagree with you. Let’s move on”, which rejects and won’t even consider what you say.

3. Fear of authority

Another major factor is the fear of someone in authority. This may be due to their status, their power over you (such as your boss) or their expertise. People have told me how difficult they find it to deal with their solicitor, such as chasing them for replies or documents. Making requests to their doctor is another common difficulty, such as asking for an appointment quickly, seeking certain tests.

Other examples are telling their hairdresser that they’re not happy with their haircut or finding the decorator has done a less-than-perfect paint job and asking them to rectify it. They say they feel embarrassed and worried about how the recipient will respond.

Overcoming these fears

Lack of assertiveness is also due to not having learned the verbal and non-verbal skills with which to assert yourself. Luckily, you can learn these skills at any stage of life.

This means developing and practising a range of skills and strategies. It’s important to know what you want to gain in a given situation so that you can state it clearly without hesitation. It’s also vital to structure what you say in a way that is logical and so easy for others to follow. Learning skills will enable you to be more spontaneous. Speaking up, if you’ve a tendency to speak softly, will also help you to be heard. Speak with confidence to encourage others to have confidence in you.

Help is at hand 

If you experience generalised anxiety, you can turn for help to charitable organisations such as Anxiety UK.

However, if you feel it would be helpful via one-to-one coaching to overcome your fears of being assertive and develop confident and assertive communication skills, both personally and professionally, do get in touch with a coach to learn more.