Preparing your teen to leave home: 5 ways to build independence

Recently, I was asked to speak to parents of older teens, aged 17 and 18 years, about how to build confidence and resilience in their teens, to equip them for leaving home, whether that be for Uni, to go travelling or for work opportunities.

I must admit that my initial reaction was that it felt rather late to suddenly change tack from doing everything for your teen to stepping away and expecting them to find things out for themselves. Then I stopped and thought about it and realised that there must be some things one can do even at this stage. So what might these be?

1. Make a list of their strengths

Make a list of everything you know they can do, what they're good at, and the qualities they already have that will assist them in different situations. For example, if they're quite good at asking for help or good at working things out for themselves, this will help.

Now add to this list those things you're not sure if they can do for themselves and look for opportunities for them to try these things for themselves.

Ask them what they might need to know before heading off, show them your list and ask if they want to add anything because there will certainly be situations for them that you did not encounter at that age.

2. Build their independence now

Teens quite enjoy having the kitchen to themselves and pottering around with the music blasting as they ask friends round to put a meal together. But this can be a bit embarrassing if they've never been allowed to do anything beyond making cookies or cake.

Depending on the level of competency of your teen, you could choose a simple recipe together, make sure the ingredients are available and encourage them to cook it themselves or with a friend.

What are you doing for them at the moment that they will need to do for themselves? I'm sure it's quite a long list! They will definitely need to know how to use a washing machine, so you can ask them to do their own now. Maybe pop some basic instructions by the machine, including a reminder to check washing instructions on each garment.

3. Talk about money

Managing money can be a challenge when young people first leave home because it takes time to learn how much they need to allow for different expenses and how to factor in unexpected costs. Talking about money at home will help them with this.

They might not want to talk about it directly, but you can mention it in a way that they will hear it. For example, maybe mentioning to your partner that you need to put some money away for something, or you need to allow for a big bill later in the month or someone's birthday present.

Some families make it a rule not to talk about money or keep it quiet that they are a bit short this month, but it's not helpful to teens to think that money sorts itself out because it doesn't! Talk about budgeting for regular costs as well as leaving something aside for unexpected expenses.

I certainly remember running out of money when I was a student because I had to buy a textbook and hadn't allowed for it, so I had to really cut down on my spending, which was already quite meagre. In fact, I got a job a couple of nights a week in a pub so I could save my heating costs, save the money I would have spent on going out and have some spare, which I put into a savings account. As it happened, some of my friends popped into the pub to see me, so I didn't really miss out much!

4. Help them know when to say "no"

Saying 'no' is a great skill for teens leaving home. Perhaps you've had to say 'no' to them, but when they leave home there will be no one to regulate what they do apart from them. In their enthusiasm to make friends and enjoy uni life, it will be extremely tempting to say 'yes' to everything even if their studying will suffer, and they may also find themselves making decisions about situations they haven't encountered before.

In this time before they leave, when they ask if they can do something, ask them what they think. Get them to use their own judgement. Ask them if they can afford to do this week? Ask them who they're going with, how they'll get home, and whether they know the place they're going to. While they're living at home, it's quite easy for you to go and pick them up, but it won't be once they leave home. They need to be prepared for this.

5. Step away from rescuing

You may be used to stepping in and fixing things for them. They now need to be preparing to do more of their own fixing. Trust that they can learn and accept that mistakes will be made along the way.

Giving them opportunities to solve manageable problems while they're still at home can help them practise making decisions with support nearby.

Just ask them what they feel they should do or say and accept their answer. Trust that they can learn, accept that mistakes will be made along the way, and step back enough to allow them to show you what they can do.

Helping your teen prepare for independence

Preparing your teen to leave home isn't about withdrawing your support overnight. It's about gradually changing the kind of support you give – from doing things for them to helping them build the confidence and practical skills to do more for themselves.