How to stop avoiding things and start taking action

Avoidance, at least for me, is even more sinister than procrastination and can lead to loss of self-esteem and confidence. There is only a subtle difference between the two but the effects on our thinking and behaviour can be enormous.  

Why is avoidance worse than procrastination?

What it boils down to is that avoidance undermines us when we decide to do it. For example, when we decide to procrastinate about something we might say to ourselves 'I will just do this (less important but more satisfying thing) before I do what needs to be done'. 

What this implies is that I can do it, I just choose not to at this time.

Whereas, when we avoid something we might say to ourselves 'I will get my (partner, friend, parent or even dog) to do this as they are better at it than me'. What this implies is that I am not good enough, and that I can only succeed with help from others.

Avoidance also can come from of fear - whether that fear is real or perceived doesn't matter - the fact that we are fearful is enough to pass it onto 'someone more competent'. If that person is successful, then this will lower our self-esteem further because 'I would never have got that result' or 'they made it look so easy'.

We all avoid things from time to time, particularly when they feel difficult, uncomfortable or uncertain. But repeatedly avoiding something can sometimes reinforce the belief that we're unable to deal with it.

What can you do to reduce avoidant behaviours?

This is a really difficult one to answer as everyone will need to find their own methods that suit their own circumstances.

In a general sense, it's first about making a small step towards the avoided task itself. 

• Make small decisions that feel slightly uncomfortable which push you out of your comfort zone.

It could be anything from where you will have lunch to the route you take to a party. When you have done this - celebrate it. See all of the good things about the decision you made, reassuring yourself of your competence.

• It's also about setting goals and completing them.

You could write down three things every morning that you are in control of that need to be done today, and make sure that they get done. Once again, ensure that you celebrate your success.

The whole point is to start training yourself to see that you can do things and you can succeed without others help.

You don't have to tackle everything you've been avoiding at once. Choose one thing and identify the smallest useful action you could take towards it. Taking that step may help you build trust in your ability to deal with difficult or uncomfortable situations.

If you find yourself regularly avoiding things that matter to you, working with a coach could help you explore what's holding you back and find that first small step forward.