The biggest killer of confidence

Want to know what could be holding back your confidence? It might be the way you think about yourself.

The thoughts, beliefs and behaviours that you keep doing. The patterns that are repeating without you noticing. The assumptions you’re making about life and the perspective you’re using to interpret everything you see, feel and experience.

One (or more) of these is keeping your confidence where you can’t reach it. And until you identify what that is, confidence is going to stay low and always feel just a little bit out of reach for you.

Can you build your own confidence?

Yes, you can. Confidence isn't just about external circumstances. Your relationship with yourself, including your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours, can also play an important role. So stop waiting for it to happen - or to feel deserving of this magical thing that seems to happen for some people but not for others. Confidence can develop over time, shaped by our experiences, mindset and habits. Some people may develop confidence earlier in life, while others build it through practice and experience. The habits and beliefs we develop can make a real difference to how confident we feel.

But if you don’t have that then you’re going to go looking for confidence in the wrong places. Achievements, relationships, money, recognition. You may have noticed that none of these change how confident you feel for long. Because the foundation of confidence is entirely internal - it’s how you connect to you.

How self-awareness can help build confidence

By focusing on that connection, regardless of what is happening around you. It’s possible to find your confidence when you’re broke, lonely when you’ve quit your job when you're sick, lost, stuck or just left a relationship. Yes, even at those points in life when confidence can seem the most out of reach because nothing seems to be going right. Even in those moments, you can create the most life-affirming, comforting, empowering confidence for yourself.

This starts with a confidence audit - something I do as part of resilience coaching because building resilience and building confidence go hand in hand. As with any audit, it’s all about getting clear on what’s right in front of your nose (those repeating patterns, behaviours and assumptions) so that you can take action to create the change you want to feel. 

4 steps to complete a confidence audit

• Focus on self-awareness so that you can see the patterns undermining your confidence and you now know what the obstacles are. Maybe this is habitual self-doubt that has become your go-to response to challenges. Recognising this pattern can be the first step towards changing it. Perhaps it’s a strong inner critic that tells you not to take risks or trust anyone. Learning to recognise and question this voice can help you develop a more supportive relationship with yourself.
• Get clear on who you really are. Authenticity is the foundation of confidence (and also of resilience) - knowing who you are and what matters to you. If I asked you “Who are you?” for example, could you answer this question without using any of the roles you play in life? (parent, sibling, job title etc). If not, then there is work to do.
• Build an unshakeable connection to yourself. This all comes down to self-trust. The Latin root of the word confidence (confidere) means “to trust completely.” Often, misunderstanding this basic functionality of confidence is why many of us don’t feel we can build it. So, with a confidence audit, we’re looking at where self-trust is being eroded and how to build more of it. 
• Reframe your view of confidence. Confidence can develop through action, which means that to build confidence you first have to take action when you don’t feel confident. When you feel anxious, doubtful or scared. We spend so long waiting to feel confident before we start but it’s the doing that creates the confidence not the other way around. This is a reframe most of us desperately need because we can’t build confidence if we don’t understand how it works.

Confidence feels magic - but there’s nothing mystical about how to create it. Every word you say and action you take each day is creating something in you. Right now maybe that’s self-doubt, anxiety or procrastination. But tweak what you do and think every day, just a little, and you’re going to be able to put that energy into creating something else entirely - confidence, resilience, motivation, take your pick. 

If you’re ready to claim your confidence then the good news is none of this is rocket science. You don’t have to be worthy of it or ready for it, you just need to know how it works and then put that into practice. It may take time and practice, but small, consistent changes can help you develop greater confidence in yourself.

If you're struggling with self-doubt or finding it difficult to recognise the patterns affecting your confidence, working with a life coach could offer a supportive space to explore these challenges and develop greater self-trust.