The art of assertiveness: A guide for women

Many women experience pressure to be agreeable, avoid conflict or put other people's needs before their own. This can make speaking up or expressing what we really want feel uncomfortable.

Learning to communicate assertively can help us express our feelings, opinions and needs clearly while respecting those of others. Assertiveness isn't about being demanding or getting our own way. It's about communicating with honesty, confidence and mutual respect.

When and where to be assertive

Using assertiveness as a form of communication is a choice. When we choose to be assertive, we become role models for how we can express what we want and need without being disrespectful to ourselves and others.

Do you speak up when a stranger, in the quiet zone of the train, bellows into their phone? Or do you glare at him, hoping that he takes the message? If you’re in a restaurant and your food is cold, do you tell the waiter to take it back or eat it because you don’t want to fuss? Or do you holler at the waiter because you know, you're right? 

If you have lent a friend money and he hasn’t paid you back after months of waiting, do you ask for it assertively or shrug your shoulders and forget about it? At home, how do you behave if the dishes are left in the sink? How do you respond to a demanding relative or a child who consistently asks for things you can’t afford?

How do you react to legitimate criticism at work? Do you get upset and start crying? Do you get angry and storm off or confront your critic? Do you shift blame?

We can adopt four types of behaviour. 

These are often described as four communication styles:

• Passive communication: Holding back your thoughts, feelings or needs, sometimes to avoid conflict or disappointing others.
• Aggressive communication: Expressing your views or needs in a way that dismisses, intimidates or disrespects others.
• Passive-aggressive communication: Expressing frustration or disagreement indirectly, such as through sarcasm, avoidance or resentment.
• Assertive communication: Expressing your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and respectfully while recognising that others have the same right.

We may use different communication styles depending on the situation, and recognising our usual responses can help us understand where we might want to make changes.

What is an assertive woman?

Assertive women can sometimes be unfairly perceived as bossy, demanding or intimidating simply because they express their opinions or communicate their needs directly. These stereotypes can make some women reluctant to speak up.

For women who have become accustomed to putting others first, learning to be assertive may initially feel uncomfortable. But being assertive doesn't mean being unpleasant, uncaring or offensive.

To use assertive skills effectively means that you can still maintain direction and clarity and remain authoritative while avoiding aggression, which, to be honest, is the essence of an assertive woman. 

An assertive woman can communicate her views clearly, make requests, express disagreement and set boundaries without feeling that she must apologise for having needs or opinions. She can also listen to others, acknowledge different perspectives and respond respectfully when disagreements arise.

Assertiveness offers an alternative to remaining silent when something matters to us or responding aggressively when frustration builds.

Remember, the essential distinguishing feature of assertive communication and behaviour is the principle of equality. Believing you are equal to everyone else means you can recognise that you deserve respect and dignity. 

Now, let’s look at a few examples of powerful techniques to improve your communication and behaviour. 

Assertive techniques

1. Be specific

Decide what the point is and stick to it without padding it out with ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this; you’ll probably think I’ve got a cheek asking, but...’

This padding out a request can make it harder for the other person to understand what you're asking for.

Instead, try making a clear, polite request. For example, rather than apologising repeatedly before asking a colleague for help, you might say: "Could you help me review this report before Friday?"

You can still be warm and considerate while communicating directly. The aim isn't to remove politeness, but to make sure your message is understood.

2. Sticking to it

When you know what you want to say, communicate your request clearly. If the other person doesn't respond or understand, it can help to calmly repeat what you're asking while acknowledging their perspective.

‘Joe, I’d like you to clean your room.’

‘Not now. I’m busy.’

‘I understand you're busy. When will you be able to do it?’

‘Can I finish what I'm doing first?’

‘That's fine, but I'd like it done before dinner. Can we agree on that?’

‘Alright, alright!’

This approach allows you to be clear about your expectations while giving the other person an opportunity to respond.

Being assertive doesn't mean repeating a demand until someone agrees. It means communicating respectfully, listening and, where appropriate, working towards a solution that considers everyone's needs.

3. Recognise your assertiveness rights

An important part of assertiveness is recognising that your feelings, opinions and needs matter just as much as anyone else's. Assertiveness training often encourages us to recognise certain personal rights that support respectful communication.

You have the right to:

• state your own needs
• be treated with respect
• express your feelings
• express your opinion and values
• say ‘yes’ or ‘no.
• make mistakes
• change your mind
• say 'I don’t understand'
• ask for what you want 
• recognise that you aren't responsible for solving every problem someone else experiences

4. Using body language assertively

The way we communicate isn't just about the words we choose. Our tone of voice, facial expressions and body language can also influence how our message is received.

• Adopt a comfortable, open posture that helps you feel at ease. Make eye contact if this feels natural, but remember that people communicate confidently in different ways.
• Speak in a clear, steady voice –loud enough for the people you are speaking to hear you. 
• Take your time when speaking. It's OK to pause, gather your thoughts or ask for a moment to consider your response.

Assertiveness doesn't require a particular posture, speaking style or level of eye contact. What matters most is finding a way to communicate your message clearly and respectfully.

Practising assertiveness in everyday life

Like any communication skill, assertiveness can take time and practice to develop. You might begin with smaller, everyday situations, such as expressing a preference, asking a question or politely declining something you don't want to do.

As you become more comfortable, you may find it easier to approach more challenging conversations, whether that's discussing your workload, setting boundaries with family or expressing a different opinion at work.

Remember, being assertive doesn't mean always getting the outcome you want. It means being able to communicate your needs and opinions while respecting yourself and others.

If you'd like support developing your assertiveness and confidence, a life coach specialising in confidence may be able to help you practise communication techniques and explore what makes speaking up difficult for you.