Eight signs of an unhealthy relationship

There is often so much hype and pressure around celebrating certain times of the year, such as Valentine’s Day, with the love of our lives.

Wouldn’t this also be an ideal opportunity to take stock of our relationship?

Ideally, we'd learn what is healthy and unhealthy in a relationship in school. How do we know what to look for if we haven’t been told? We don’t necessarily want to assume that what we saw as we grew up was “right” or “wrong”.

This can be especially true if you are naturally a “giver” or get anxious easily about your relationships. Instead of dwelling only on how “great” our partner is, we can start to look at their behaviour, both with us and with other people.

Sometimes we must ask, “Is this relationship good for me?” To help you answer the question, here are eight common signs of unhealthy relationships.

Eight signs of an unhealthy relationship

1. Their words and their behaviour are inconsistent

For example, they apologise for being rude to your mother and say they won’t do it again, and then they do it again and again. Or they tell you how much your opinion matters about the holiday you want to plan together, and how they want to know what you think and feel. So you tell them, only to find that a week later they are talking to you about it again and have completely ignored what you told them already.

2. They never take responsibility for their actions

They will blame you, the dog, the neighbour or the noisy fan. They seem incapable of admitting when they have done something wrong. Not only might this indicate that they struggle to self-reflect, but it also means they may be unlikely to grow within the relationship.

3. They don’t accept how you feel

Either they simply do not believe you, or they tell you that you are wrong to feel the way you feel, so you end up feeling guilty and not trusting your feelings. You have the right to feel how you feel. No one else gets to tell you how you should feel.

4. They take away your support network

For no good reason, your partner doesn’t like your friends and doesn’t like them visiting. If you want to go out to see them, they either tell you that you can’t, or they make it clear that they are displeased. You begin to learn by experience that they will make you feel so bad and guilty that you may as well not bother.

This could happen with your family too. Or your partner may pick quarrels, use triangulation to set people against each other and generally sow discord.

5. You feel worse about yourself than before you started the relationship

While every relationship has its ups and downs, a relationship should add to your life, bring you joy and help you grow. If you feel more miserable, smaller and less than, it may be time to do some serious questioning.

6. You lie because you are ashamed of their behaviour

When friends ask you how everything is, you reply with “fine” and either make something up, quickly switch the conversation back to them or move on to some other topic. You may love your partner, but you don’t love their behaviour, and it feels too embarrassing to admit what goes on behind closed doors.

7. Everything has to be done their way

There is no give and take in the relationship. If you try suggesting an alternative way to do things, they don’t want to listen and may even accuse you of being disrespectful.

8. You worry they will get so angry that they will hurt you

It is not OK in any relationship to fear for your safety. Know that support is available and you do not need to stay in an abusive relationship. If you need to talk to someone, visit Refuge, Women’s Aid or ManKind.

If you think you are in an unhealthy relationship, what can you do about it? Remember that we can’t change other people. We have to start with ourselves. You need to get clear on what is OK for you and what isn’t. You can work on building yourself up so that you can speak up for yourself and know you deserve healthy, respectful relationships.

You might want to get some external support from a therapist or coach to help you understand what is going on for you, and how to address any issues with your partner. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, it is important to seek specialist support from an appropriate service.

What would a healthy relationship look like to you? How would you feel? What would you be doing? Remember that doing a regular relationship audit can help us pick up on issues early and address them so they don’t fester, and so that we don’t allow unhealthy relationship behaviours and patterns to grow.